The Clicks

Christmas Letter - Our Year in Review

2011-12-16T00:06:00.000-06:00

So, it's that time again.... Christmas. I wanted to start things of with a nice poem:

'Twas the week before Christmas, and all through my place
Were boxes and packages, wrapping and tape.
The stockings are hung by the TV with care
In the hopes that their contents soon would be there.
The children were snuggled all warm in their beds
While I work to finish my shopping instead.
For this one a kerchief, for that one a hat
Oh please, let me finish 'cause I need a nap!
Then up in my head there rang such a clatter
"Is any of this stuff what really matters?"

No. It's not. Jesus is what matters. So, before you read the rest of our year in review, take a minute and focus on the message sent from heaven to you. And don't feel bad - I've had to remind myself of this message several times in the past week. Including tonight. Twice.

---

This has been an incredibly trying year for us (again). For those who don't know, my mom passed away back in January. On my birthday. Not only did I struggle with her death, but the events were so incredibly similar to Michell's death (4 years ago) that it rekindled that grief in me. Like Michell, mom died from complications with Leukemia less than a week after her diagnosis.

Fortunately, God is still taking very good care of me. He continues to bless me daily in all areas of my life. At work, I found out this past summer that I had successfully achieved tenure at Tennessee Tech, which significantly reduced my stress level. At home, the slow metamorphosis of the house continues. The latest project is the installation of a train atop the kitchen cabinets. My original goal was to finish it before Christmas, but that deadline has been changed to New Years.

I am also blessed to be daddy to Rachel and Zoe. Rachel (9) is in 4th grade, and really doing well. She continues to love singing, and is taking informal voice lessons. She got to be in both a school production and the childrens' choir at church - and love every minute of both. She's also becoming a big help to me around the house... without too much complaining, even.

Zoe (5) is still in preschool. Her late October birthday means that she will be almost 6 when she starts Kindergarten next fall, but that's probably good because her attention span is very - SQUIRREL! - short. Her favorite thing to do is just about anything that lets her sit in my lap... and I love it. It is hard to imagine how bad my withdrawal is going to be when she stops wanting to do that.

This year's highlight has to be our family vacation to the beach this summer. It was awesome! Maybe someday I'll get around to putting the pictures in a photo album or something. I only have 340...

As we said in our card, we pray that you are enjoying your Christmas holidays with friends and family. We send blessings and wishes for a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Being There is What Matters

2011-03-05T20:52:00.002-06:00

I had a very stressful afternoon. No, not correct - I had a very stressful 15 minutes this afternoon. But God took care of me (like He always does).

If you didn't know, Rachel was a flower girl in a friend's wedding today. That wasn't stressful - they took care of almost everything. They bought the dress, they did her hair, they took care of her so well that I really didn't have to do much.

What was stressful was 15 of the 17 minutes before the wedding started. Why was it stressful? Because I almost wasn't there. I had dropped Rachel off early to get ready with the bride & bridesmaids, and went back home with Zoe. Our plan was to start getting ready about 45 minutes before the wedding and be there at least 15 minutes before the start. That plan never happened.

I could make lots of excuses - good excuses. With my shoulder pain, I've not been sleeping well this week, and I fell asleep while waiting for my get-ready alarm to ring. I had also accidentally set the get-ready alarm for 2:15 AM, instead of PM, so it never rang.

Here's how my stress started - I woke up and checked my watch... 2:43 PM. Wedding starts in 17 minutes. I'm in jeans and a t-shirt, Zoe is equally casual. It takes 12-15 minutes to drive to the church, depending on traffic.

SET STRESS LEVEL TO MAXIMUM.

God helped me so many ways. Zoe got undressed and came down to the car half naked so that I could throw on her dress - I've never seen her get undressed faster. I threw on a dress shirt with my jeans - a great dress shirt was right in front in my closet. We got in the car and left. On the way, Zoe said "Daddy, I don't have on shoes," - God had caused us to leave some dress boots in the car earlier today, so she wore those. All the way there, I kept praying out loud, "God, please let us get there on time. Please make this car/van/truck in front of me go faster. Please let us get there on time. I don't want to miss Rachel." Over and over, out loud.

We got there and parked, I picked up Zoe and RAN through the rain. (If my doctor is reading this, I'm sorry for carrying her - I know I'm not supposed to pick her up right now because of my shoulder, but I had to do it). We got into the building, and the doors to the chapel were still open. The groom's mother was still standing in the foyer. We made it.

We were escorted in, and sat in the row behind my pastor's wife and all the teachers from Zoe's preschool. I felt embarrassed - I had to apologize for my attire and the fact that I was out of breath from running. Someone looked at me and said, "You're here. That's what matters."

SET STRESS LEVEL TO... ZERO.

There are some things in our lives that only happen once. This was Rachel's first, and possibly only time to be a flower girl. Yes, it was awful that I was almost late. Yes, my attire was way too casual for a wedding. But in the end, I was there. Being there is what matters - not all the stress and issues that arise along the way. I'm so glad that God helped me to get there in time. I am so glad that I was there.

Oh, and in case you couldn't guess... Zoe looked super cute in her heart dress, and Rachel was the best, most beautiful flower girl ever. I know... I was there.

Spiritual Lessons... from swimming?

2011-02-21T10:56:00.000-06:00

Last week, I finally returned to my habit of swimming for exercise. Between the Christmas holiday and then dealing with mom's illness and death, it had been about 2 months since my last swim - and last week I really felt it. As I get back into the groove, I've discovered some truths that apply not only to my exercise routine, but also to my spiritual life.

If you want to succeed, set reasonable, achievable goals. Last fall, when I decided to start swimming again, I wanted to set a goal to push myself enough that I got real exercise. Scholarship-level college swimmers can usually swim a mile in ~20 minutes. This is not a reasonable, achievable goal for a 41 year old, out-of-shape me. I started with the goal of building up to a half mile swim within 2 months (made it in a month) and then set a new goal of < 20 min for a half mile by the end of the school year. (achieved for the first time today). Now I am setting a new goal of regularly swimming a < 20 min half mile.

Spiritually, we need the same kind of game plan. When Michell passed away 3 years ago, my personal Bible study habits were (I'm ashamed to admit) nonexistent. I had great church-going habits and good service/outreach habits, but no personal study habits at all. I know they needed to be better, but I had always set UNreasonable, UNachievable goals that frustrated me to the point of not trying anymore. You know the drill - I would hear a message about reading the Bible daily, decide to change, and set a goal of reading my Bible for 30 minutes every day (for the rest of my life!). UNachievable - even things we normally do every day we miss occasionally: we get sick, we go on vacation, etc. UNreasonable - to go from 0 minutes a month to 30 minutes a day instantly? Well, God certainly can make such changes happen instantly, but more often He helps us to make small changes daily.

I have finally succeeded by setting better goals - I bought a page-a-day devotion book with postcard sized pages. I set a goal of reading the 1-page devotion 5 days each week. It was a ~5 min commitment with some "free pass" days. I didn't have to be perfect, and if I missed a day it didn't feel like total failure. That has built over time to bigger and bigger goals, and now I try to read a full chapter and study the margin notes that go with that chapter. I still keep to the 5 days a week part - I often read more than 5 days each week, but if I miss a day it's not a failure, it's still a goal met.

That voice that says "You can't" is usually lying. My first day back in the pool, I thought I was going to die about halfway through. I was tired. I was sore. I wanted to quit. I rationalized: I hadn't swum in a while, I would eventually get back to my norm, I should just stop. But I decided to try and do a little more. Before I knew it, things seemed to get easier. Not easy, but easier. I finished my half mile, and began to wonder how often I give in to temptations to sin like I almost gave in to the temptation to stop short of a half mile swim. How many times do we give in just before it's about to get easier?

When we get tired, we tend to get sloppy. When teaching swimming lessons, the first part of the lesson usually focuses on getting the details right - how to cup your hand, what path to pull your arm, how to kick your feet. It's important to practice and focus on these before you get tired, so that (hopefully) as you get tired you will still do them correctly. We, or at least I, tend to get sloppy with my strokes as I get more tired. I don't focus so well, and so my kick gets ragged, my arms flail, and I don't hold my had in the best position. Consequently, I waste energy and don't go as fast as I could.

Similarly, when I get tired, I tend to have more difficulty with sin. Most obvious to me, I get angry more quickly, and tend to snap at people for little things that normally wouldn't bother me. Just ask Rachel - I tell her "Daddy's tired, do you know what that means?" and she says "It means I may get in trouble for stuff that's normally OK, so I should be extra good."

Less obvious, but perhaps more important, I tend to give in to temptations more. Areas that I struggle with become more of a problem when I am tired. I make poor choices and don't always follow through with disciplines that I have developed to keep me away from past sinful behaviors. It just reinforces the need for me to develop good, Godly habits when I'm not tired, so that when I am tired I don't tend to deviate from them.

Motivation... where have you gone?

2011-02-01T23:44:00.000-06:00

Haven't posted for a few days, partly because Zoe has been sick and partly because I haven't known what to post about. Grieving for mom has been very different than grieving for Michell was, which shouldn't surprise me. I think the biggest issue I am having since losing mom is a total lack of motivation to do... well... almost anything.

In general, I'm a fairly lazy person, and at best a crisis-centric, last-minute worker. "Never put off to tomorrow what can be put off to next week," I say. But I still do (usually) get things done. I may not pick the best times (note the near midnight timestamp on this post), and I frequently stop at "good enough" rather than working all the way to "done", but I do eventually get stuff done. But right now, I'm just not motivated to do anything.

This happened before, right after Michell died. Then, I chalked it up to being tired from all the new responsibilities I had to deal with. But now, I am beginning to recognize it as an expression of my grief. Michell used to have a list (an extremely detailed, never ending list, but I digress) of things for us to work on, and when she was gone I was without a clue about what I should be doing - especially after the kids were in bed.

As I slowly got back into doing things each evening, my mom became the person that I would call to tell of tasks completed. Talking about those things with her seemed to give them more meaning, and that is now lost. I mean, really, who can I call to tell them that I got the laundry put away? Not exactly noteworthy...

And so, for the past few weeks, I have simply been sitting down each evening and doing nothing. "I just sit, sit, sit, sit. And I do not like it, not one little bit." Or maybe I do like it... just a little. I just don't like the sink full of dishes, or the Christmas decorations still out, or... or... or...

And the lack of motivation does not limit itself to household tasks, it also seems to impact my social life (or lack thereof). I was in the habit of going to lunch with friends fairly often, and haven't recently. I haven't looked for a place to watch the Superbowl yet, because I'm just not motivated to go.

Fortunately, I know it's not permanent. I am a social creature, and will eventually want to get out again. I will find motivation to get things done around the house again. I will not let grief become depression, nor will I allow it to become an ever-present excuse. But at this moment, motivation is missing.

Funny thing is, I never saw my mom have a lack of motivation. She worked all day every day getting things done. When I had big things to do, I would often call and ask for her help, not because I really needed help doing, but because I needed her "let's keep working until it's done" attitude. Ironic, isn't it. I'm grieving my "workaholic" mother by being a "lazy-bum" son.

Finally read my mail...

2011-01-27T21:57:00.000-06:00

So, I opened my mail tonight. Now, many of you are thinking... "So? I do that every day. What's blog-worthy about opening your mail?" Well, let me try and explain.

You see, I usually open my mail about once a week. I don't get that much each day, and given that most of the time I spend with my mail involves the pre- and post-opening activities, it's much more efficient to wait until the stack is of reasonable size before opening it. Let's be honest, there's just not much that comes in the mail that can't wait a few days - if it was that urgent, it wouldn't come in the mail to start with.

But the past month has been anything but "usual." With mom's time in the hospital and death, I just never got around to it. I would see the pile continue to grow each day, but wouldn't be in the right frame of mind to open it. So it sat... until today.

It was an interesting read. I started by dividing it into 3 categories: sympathy cards, tax info, and other mail. Most of the "other" mail was bills (don't worry, all my bills are auto-paid, so nothing was late). Not much unexpected there. The tax info was... well.. tax info. It's now filed and waiting for the rest to come in.

The sympathy cards were the biggest part, and the most interesting. If you've ever worried about finding "the right card," quit worrying. I can tell you from experience that the most important thing is the return address. What? Did you read that right? the return address?!? Yes. The return address. You see, what matters most is that people took the time to let you know they cared and are praying. And you find out who those people are by the fact that they sent a card at all.

The second most important thing is the quick note written inside. I can't speak for everyone, but I rarely read the "official" (pre-printed) words in the card. There are only so many sympathy cards out there, and duplicates are almost inevitable. In addition, there are no "perfect words" that can be said. What matters is that you took the time to write something just from you, not from the card company. It doesn't even have to be a whole sentence, just a word or two is enough.

The end of the card pile was especially interesting. About 2/3rd of the way through, I ran into a couple of birthday cards, which was nice. Then, as I got to the very end, I ran into Christmas cards. Some were actually "New Years" cards, and some were the late coming cards that I hadn't opened yet. That was really nice. It's always fun to read Christmas cards.

So, as I look back, I think this was probably a really boring post. No deep thoughts, no new revelations. Just an excessively long status update. But, I've already typed all this, so I'll post it anyway.

Oh, and for those of you who sent me a card... thanks.

Waiting for the Right Time

2011-01-22T20:45:00.000-06:00

Had a good day today. Shopping at WalMart, time at dad's house while Rachel was at a friend's house, shopping at Lowes, and some work around the house late in the afternoon. Got lots done - much more than is normal for me. It's like I have to prove that I can still accomplish tasks without mom around. She was always so much more motivated than me to get things done.

In fact, today at dad's house, I had to keep stopping myself from starting certain tasks. You see, I remember how much better I felt after I would go through some part of the house and re-organize it.

Several times within an hour, I wanted to start going through the drawers in one of the bathrooms at dad's house - to go through and pull out all the stuff that doesn't need to be there anymore. I wanted to change that small part of the house to reflect mostly dad instead of mostly mom. But I stopped myself. And that was a good thing.

You see, it took me several months to get to the point that I was ready to do that with Michell's stuff. And dad has to come to his own decision about when he is ready to go though mom's stuff. She was my mom, but his wife. He is the one who has to live in that house, and he is the one who has to make decisions about when and what he wants to cull.

So, I'm waiting. Waiting for the time when dad is ready - when he either cleans it out himself or asks someone for help with it. Waiting for him to be (more) at peace with both his loss and his life.

He'll get there. Just like I did.

What I really want to say is... zzzzzz

2011-01-21T08:46:00.002-06:00

I cannot believe how tired I was yesterday and am again today. It's not a lack of sleep - many have asked, and I am sleeping well. I have not needed any medications, rather I have been able to go to bed around my normal time (1130p) and get to sleep before midnight. I have been able to sleep until at least 6 and usually 7.

I think I am simply exhausted from the stress of the past 2 weeks. The week mom was in the hospital, I was home with a very sick little girl (no stress from either of those, right?). Then this week had all the stress of making decisions regarding mom's services.

I also had a monumental challenge the past 2 evenings. While she was here, Michell's mom Sandra did a bunch of laundry for me. This was extremely kind of her to do. Unfortunately, along with the girls' laundry bins, she mixed in a bin of clothes which were clean and had been set aside to put away for summer... and she mixed in a bin of clothes which were new from Christmas that I hadn't looked at enough to know what shirts go with what pants. It was like dumping 20 puzzles together, all of which are solid red, and trying to sort out what pieces go where. My family room floor still looks like a laundry war zone.

Funny thing, the laundry challenge was what made me miss mom the most. I am... shall we say... fashion-sense challenged. Those of you who have known me a long time might remember the bright yellow shirt and bright red shorts I used to wear together. Very Ronald McDonald. Whenever clothes came back that I didn't know how to match, I would call mom. And she could magically pair things up over the phone - without even seeing them! Just another example of how she took care of me.

She would be proud of me, though. It took me about 3 hours the first night, but I finally got Zoe's stuff matched up. Then Rachel and I, with an hour on Skype with Sandra and 2 more hours together, got 75% of her stuff matched up last night. Quite an accomplishment for the fashion-challenged me. I do, however, still have 6 pairs of pajama pants missing their tops. Anyone need some?

So if you see Rachel or Zoe (or me, for that matter) in an outfit that makes you cringe, just remind yourself that the girls are stuck with me, and let me know so that I don't embarrass them in public... or at least so I don't embarrass them that way.

Take Pictures of the Everyday

2011-01-18T07:42:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, my sister and I spent about half a day going through pictures to use in a slide show of mom. I already knew that mom didn't much like having her picture taken, but what I didn't realize is how often I let her get away with that. There were even a few years where the Christmas pictures had me and my kids, Steph and her kids, and dad... but no mom. What were we thinking?

But the more glaring thing that I realized is that while I am pretty good at getting pictures of events, I am lousy at getting pictures of the everyday. As I went through my pictures, I found that since moving back to Tennessee in 2005, I have more pictures of Michell's parents than of my own. Why? Because when we saw Michell's parents, it was an event; we saw my parents every week, so that was just everyday life.

The good thing is that between Stephanie and me, we found plenty of pictures of mom - really good ones. But from here on, I plan to carry a camera with me more often on "normal" days, so that I can capture more of our everyday life.

Finding A New Normal... Again

2011-01-15T22:03:00.000-06:00

I thought this blog was essentially dead. I had pretty much stopped posting here, probably because I didn't have the need for it. Life was going well - joyful and fulfilling. With less struggle, 10-second Facebook posts were more the norm than deep, introspective blog posts. And then...

Most of you alreday know. Mom passed away. One week with her "not feeling good" and then a week in the hospital and then... home to heaven. And the similarities to Michell's death just 3 years ago are overwhelming. Both started out thinking it was just a muscle pull. Both ended up in the hospital with bad bruising and extreme pain. Both diagnosed with leukemia. Neither surviving to start chemo. Both having cerebral hemmorages leading to death. I can still remember telling myself that this time (with mom) was going to be different. Not so much.

Oh, and by the way... Worst. Birthday. Ever. That's right, if you didn't know, mom died on my birthday.

So now I sit at home, and at times the silence is so incredibly LOUD. I can feel how quiet it is. It's opressive. The girls are both in bed, both sleeping well. The TV is off. And I miss calling to talk to my mom. It's one of the things that I started doing right after Michell died - I would call mom every night. I doubt I missed 10 nights in the past 3 years. Recently, the call had moved earlier to right after I got the girls in bed. Last week, it emphasized that mom was in the hospital - she wasn't at home for me to call. Now, that one simple daily phone call seems to stand for all that is wrong with the world today. I can't talk to my mom.

I know it will get better. I've been down this road before. God promises to change mourning into dancing and sorrow into joy... and He does. It's happened in my life over the past 3 years, and I know it will happen again. I know that I will find a new normal... again.

But at this moment, I'm just hearing the overwhelming silence, and wishing I could call my mom.

Doing Hard Things

2010-11-18T08:57:00.002-06:00

Been thinking alot lately about my personal discipline. It's not all that great, to be honest, and I want it to get better. But let's be honest, sitting on the couch thinking about having better personal discipline (while eating chips, drinking a soda, and watching TV) really doesn't get you very far - it's about actually getting up and doing something that matters. I know myself very well - for years my mantra has been "never put off to tomorrow what can be put off until next week." Admittedly not the best example to set for my girls...

Life is busy - we all know that - and it can run you down. By the time I get the girls to bed at night, I am frequently worn out and ready to check out for some down time. Is that wrong? No, I don't think so. So what's my problem? Once I start to check out, I never check back in. I sit to rest, but my rest period doesn't end until bedtime. So now I am challenging myself to get back up and do something... and it's hard.

So I heard this "do something hard" phrase a few months ago. I think it was a mother-daughter event that some friends of mine attended. I kept seeing that phrase over and over, and decided that I would adopt it into my own life. It's strange what we think of as being "hard" to do - most of my stuff is really minor, it's just stuff I don't like to do so I try to put it off until it takes care of itself (my success rate in this area is very high).

For example, I don't think it's wrong to leave the dishes in the sink until there's enough for a full dishwasher load. (Remember - we use paper plates and cups almost every meal, so it takes 2-3 days for us to accumulate enough dishes to fill the dishwasher.) I do, however, think that it's wrong to leave the dishes in the sink and hope that my babysitter decides to wash them for me because they're taking over the kitchen and leaving her in fear for her life.

So how am I doing? Pretty well on Focus #1. I've not been in the best health over the past few years - 4 surgeries (ruptured colon repaired, colostomy reversal, gall bladder removed, hernia repair) - plus my weight has gone back up in the 230s - so I decided to first focus on getting healthier. I've started swimming 1/2 mile 3 days a week, and that's going well. I've chosen to not have an evening snack more than one night a week, and that's going well. But now it's time to add another Focus and do more hard things.

So what about you? Are you doing hard things? Or are you living life on autopilot? Are your (proverbial) dishes piling up, waiting for someone else to handle them? Then join me - and do something hard. So far, it's been worth it.

Moments that Make a Daddy

2010-06-17T10:47:00.005-05:00

Had one of those great moments this morning - a moment to make a daddy. Some of you are thinking "What? Doesn't having kids make you a daddy?" No, not really. Just "having children" means you performed the biological function of procreation. Being a daddy implies an intimate relationship, made complete by the presence of joy, care, and love. I became a father (twice over) as my children were born. I am becoming a daddy as I nurture, love, and raise my children.

And while the process is continuous - each and every moment with my children is an opportunity to move closer to (or further from) "daddy" - I also find that there are key moments that come along and allow leaps forward. Some of these moments we know are consequential, like the day I had to tell Rachel that her mommy died. Others seem completely inconsequential, just a part of everyday life... like today's

So what was it? What was this EVENT which helped propel me from "father" in a giant leap toward "daddy"? Well... I cam upstairs to tell Rachel it was time to get dressed for camp, and she said, "Oh, man. I'm thirsty. You didn't give me a drink." My response? I pulled out my "obviously-pretending-to-be-angry" voice and said, "I didn't give you a drink? What do you mean? You never asked for a drink! And you know that when you get breakfast you can get yourself a drink..." Oh, and I was tickling her the whole time. She was laughing so hard she couldn't stand up.

So how do I know that this was one of those quantum-leap events? Because every time I stopped, she asked again and egged me on to do it again. And what do I think of it? I think that for those 5 minutes this morning, I achieved near God-like "daddy" status. And it was awesome.

Speaking of God-like, you do realize that God is more than just "Father" - He is also "Daddy". I think too often we get caught up in the "Our Father" image of God and forget the "My Daddy". In Mark 14:36, Jesus calls to God as "Abba Father". "Abba" is a term that implies intimacy, closeness, and familiarity. And the use of that term is not reserved for Christ alone, Romans 8:15 tells us that we too can call to God in this way.

There are countless articles on the web about the origin of Abba - most tie it back to a term borrowed into Hebrew from Aramaic. What strikes me the most about this term is its construction - it's a word a baby can say. Just like my girls both used to babble "dada" when they were babies, so too could an baby - one who is totally helpless and dependant on others for its care - babble "abba".

So, as we walk through this life, we can babble "Abba" and connect with the Creator of the universe, and like I did this morning, He can work through everyday moments to take quantum leaps from "Our Father" to "My Daddy". And that is truly awesome.

Are your bells ringing?

2010-05-24T10:44:00.002-05:00

Been reading my way through Exodus lately. I'm past the plagues-and-escape part, past the giving of the 10 Commandments, and working my way through the instructions for the temple. A few nights ago, I read the instructions for creating the prestly garments (Exodus 28). Now, let's be honest. This is one of those chapters that when, or maybe I should say if, we read it, we just blow through it at warp speed because it seems useless today. Why should I care? I doubt I'll ever wear an ephod (v6) - probably woudln't recognize one if I saw it - so what possible relevance could this have?

And yet, according to 2 Tim 3:16, "All scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in riteousness." As I finished reading the chapter, and was reading through the sideline notes in my Bible, I was remined of something I'd heard before.

Going back to Exodus 28, down in verses 31-35, there is a discussion about the hem of the robe of the ephod. And while I still have no real clue what an ephod is, I do know what the hem of a robe is. And this particular one has bells on it - gold bells.

Now, let's be clear. Sideline notes and my fuzzy recollections of past events are NOT the same as scripture - one is a living document of truth and love, given by God through the Holy Spirit, while the other is... always questionable. But for me, right now, the relevance of this passage was revealed through that note and my memory. It had to do with the purpose of the bells, and both the note and my memory agreed - one purpose was so that when the High Priest was in the Holy of Holies, you could tell if he was still alive.

You see, in Old Testament times, God's Spirit didn't live in hearts like He does today. Back then, to be in God's presence meant death - people were just too sinful to stay alive in His presence. The High Priest went through a week-long purification period (see Exodus 29) before heading into God's presence to make sacrifices for the people. When they went in to perform the scarifice, others could listen from outside for the bells - if they were ringing, then everything was ok (the High Priest was still alive).

Another fact in my (often questionable) memory is that they would tie a rope to the foot of the high priest, so that if the bells stopped ringing, they could pull him out. Yikes.

Yeah, I know, none of that seems relevant yet. We're not living under the Old Covenant (i.e. in Old Testament times), we're under a New Covenant - one of grace and forgiveness because of Christ's sacrifice for all. But God still desires for us to be holy - set apart - riteous... He does NOT want us to sin, and He especially doesn't want us to fall into repetitive sin.

So, looking back at the title of this post, I ask myself the question: Are my bells ringing? And I candidly admit to you that this has been a bad month for me. Patterns of sin from my past, patterns that I have cast off (many times) only to have return (also many times) have once again reared up in my life, and my bells have been silenced often of late. I'm talking about that sin that "so easily entangles" me (see Hebrews 12:1), and I am again fighting to cast it off. Even as I write this, I am frustrated with how often it has overcome me lately, but at the same time I am not defeated - I am instead rededicating myself and trusting God to give me strength to overcome.

So what about you? Are your bells ringing?

What are you worth?

2010-05-04T10:34:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago, I was listening to the radio in the car when a discussion started about how valuable a person is. One of the central issues was salary. Are we what we make at our jobs? Is our contribution to society defined by how much that society is willing to pay us for what we're doing? As the discussion continued, some spiritual principles were hinted at, and a few were partially explored. I arrived at my destination before the discussion ended, so I don't know where it ultimately went, but it did get me thinking...

At the simplest (and most worldly) level, our society does define our worth by our salary. In this crazy world we live in, we value entertainment over learning, and so pay professional athletes more each year than teachers can make in a lifetime. We reward those who can turn "situational ethics" into personal gain, while sneering at the "free" but unparalleled contributions of stay-at-home moms.

As Christians, however, we are part of another (spiritual) society with its own set of rules. Here, Christ has turned the world upside down... reminding us that to be great, we must become servants (Mark 10:43). In fact, it could be argued that in our spiritual society, by ourselves we have no value at all! Consider John 15:5. Here Christ exhorts us to remain in Him, because by ourselves we can do nothing.

But this passage can weave a subtle trap for the unwary. How often the Devil has come and called us "worthless". How many times has the Evil One broken hearts and spirits, convincing people that they are of no value to God or to others? How many have fallen into a pit of darkness and despair, wanting only to be valued and to feel they are valuable?

But there is a great difference between the condemning statements from our Enemy and the redeeming plan of our God. God desire for us to be connected to Him, living in concert with His Spirit, following the path made possible by the sacrifice of His Son. God chose us (Eph 1:3-14) - chose us to be holy (1:4), chose to adopt us as His children (1:5), chose us for His praise and glory (1:11-12), and as a sign of our choosing, and He has given to us His Holy Spirit (1:13).

Going back to the worldly view, our value in society is based on what someone is willing to pay us for our work - in essence, who wants us and how badly they want us. How much does God want us? You can probably recite it with me... "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son..." (John 3:16).

And what is He willing to pay us? How about with direction, joy, and pleasure forevermore? (Psalm 16:11) In addition, part of His "pay" lets us ignore the whispered condemnation of the Enemy. "Whoever believes is not condemned... (John 3:18). So if the Devil says you're worthless, you know it's a lie. You want more? Maybe even a bonus check? How about this - one of many examples - back in Eph 1:3, we are promised "every spiritual blessing in Christ."

So what are you worth? In a nutshell, you're worth so much that the Creator of the Universe crashed through time and space to make a way for you to be with Him... forever.

More than the "fairy tale"

2010-02-23T19:46:00.002-06:00

Been watching romantic comedies lately (I know, I know...). They're all about the same: lovable loser guy meets awesome girl, connection begins. Obstacles arise, leading to comedic moments, then romantic resolution supplies fairy tale ending.

Problem: the movies always end where the real work begins. The phrase "I want the fairy tale"
has been ringing in my head lately - I think it's from Pretty Woman, but can't be sure because I never saw that movie. It sums up what most people think they're looking for - riding off into the sunset - happily ever after - the fairy tale ending.

Not me, though. I want way more than the fairy tale ending - I want the fairy tale to be just the beginning. You ask, "What do you mean?" I answer, "Great question! Thanks for asking!"

Too many times, we get our idea of what a great relationship is supposed to be like from the things we see on TV, at the movies, or read about in books. But few (if any) of these relationships ever show the real work that goes hand-in-hand with marriage-level love. Real, God-inspired, loving relationships require openness, honesty, trust, forgiveness, and commitment. They require daily sacrifices of self in favor of other and "us".

I know this because I've lived it. I know this because I've helped other couples who were having trouble in their marriage. Most of all, I know this because I have read the Bible and seen the example of God's love through the actions of His Son.

So if you're like me, praying for God to bring you together with "the right one", make sure you're asking for the right thing - not just the fairy tale, but the full sacrificial package - and get ready to do the work required. And if you're feeling frustrated because your fairy tale has slipped away, you might need to change your thinking. Godly marriage is about the best thing you can ever experience here on earth, but it's very different from what the movies are selling...

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-14T21:44:00.006-06:00

Trying something a little different this year - it's amazing how much work and time it took to print, fold, and stuff letters, so now I've gone digital. Hope you don't mind. But really, if you mind, you probably didn't come here to read what I'm typing. So on with the letter

This has been a good year for us. Zoe continues to grow up so fast, though it looks like she'll have her mommy's height (or lack thereof). She's so very articulate - yes, I just used that big word to describe how well a 3-year old speaks. At her preschool, they did a review of her development. It asked if she used 2-3 word phrases/sentences. Zoe talks in paragraphs - multiple 7-10 word sentences that are coherent together. She's amazing. And more than that, she makes me laugh.

Rachel is also growing up. She has developed an affinity for performance - just this month she's had a main part in two different productions. She was one of the main characters in her school performance (Christmas at the OK Corral) and was in a duet at church in the Christmas program. She's also smart as a whip, making the "All Es" honor roll at school. Fortunately for her, the handwriting grade doesn't count. Let's just say that her handwriting is less than perfect.

The year has also been good for me. I had my colostomy takedown in March (read here: all my internal plumbing is now reconnected and functioning normally). During the recovery from that surgery, I also managed to get an inflamed gall bladder, which was then removed. My plan is to be out of the surgery mode for a while now. Not that I'm ungrateful...

Our big family event this year was a week at the beach during the summer. My sister (with her 2 kids) and I (with my 2 kids) rented a beach house in NC and spent the week. It was great! There are some pics on my Facebook page, which you can find from the link on the right.

We are well adjusted to life without Michell. It hardly seems like it could be two years since her death, but God continues to bless us in amazing ways. Zoe has slowly begun to realize who her mommy is (from pictures), and frequently mentions "my mommy in her white dress," referring to Michell in her bridal portrait. Rachel still has times when she mentions missing her mommy, especially during the Christmas season, but these are minor moments only, and are becoming rare. We have a fairly regular household schedule, and while I don't try to pretend to be a mommy, I have gotten a reasonable handle on all the "typical mom" things that are now my responsibility. I do pray that God will bless me with another opportunity to love and marry, but trust in His plan and His timing.

So, that's our brief update. We hope this letter finds you and yours deep in God's blessings, and that you have a safe, joyful Christmas!

Steven, Rachel, and Zoe Click

Be Thankful for "Lifers"

2009-12-02T20:52:00.003-06:00

Been reconnecting with some my lifers lately - I am so thankful for them! What's a "lifer"? That's what I call a friend that remains true throughout your life. One of those handfull of friends with whom time and distance never matter, you can always pick right back up with never a snag. You know, the ones you can call at 2 in the morning and not have to apologize when you start the conversation.

So, why have I been reconnecting? Because my lifers are a great source of Godly counsel. They help me figure things out when I can't solve it on my own. The past few days have been especially cool, because God has used several of them in shifts, each one's advice and info adding to the prior to give me a fuller picture than any one could individually. How cool is that!

What a treasure my lifers are! They know many of my hidden faults and fears, but can look past them and still accept and care about me. They never force their ideas or advice on me, but their insight never ceases to amaze me - an amazing blend of their God-inspired wisdom and their understanding of who I reall am that frequently cuts to the heart of the matter.

Just in the past few days, I have reconnected with three of my lifers, including my longest-term lifer and the wife of my newest-term lifer couple (it's early in the relationship, but I'm pretty sure they're going to be lifers). The interactions have made me realize just how awesome these friends are to me, and how thankful I am that they are part of my life.

So, what about you? Do you have some lifers? If so, take a minute to be thankful and to realize just what a blessing you have.

Stray thoughts...

2009-11-11T21:04:00.002-06:00

Wow. Unitl I came to post this, I didn't realize how long it's been. I knew it had been a while, but not this long. Oh, well. Apparently Facebook has taken over for posting my thoughts. In truth, I wasn't planning to post tonight, but a stray thought just took me on a journey and I thought I would share. It starts with one of the last things Michell and I talked about.

We were in the hospital, and I think it was after the girls had come to open their Christmas presents. Michell told me that if I looked around on her side of the closet, I would find the present she bought for me. I told her, "Plenty of time for that once you're back home." Of course, she never did come back to the house, but went to her heavenly home instead.

About a month later, when I was looking around for.. I don't even remember what... I finally found it. At the time, I just dropped down and cried. There were several things to make up the whole gift, but I only remember one of them - a devotional book by Tony Dungy intended to be the seed for a mens small group. That book still sits on a table in my room, waiting. Waiting for a time when I'm not "head coach" over all my church's groups and I can lead a group myself.

I don't know what triggered this particular memory, or why it was so truly vivid in my mind tonight. I do know that I've been frustrated recently that I don't know where God is taking me right now. Someone I was talking to at church tongiht mentioned that she felt that God had put her in a "holding pattern," and I know exactly what she means. I have ministries I am faithful to perform, but I feel more like I'm waiting for God to release me to the next thing, rather than full of vision for the future.

If you're there too, holding, waiting on God to show you what's next, let me encourage you (as I remind and encourage myself): God gave you gifts and talents to further His purposes. When everything is ready, He will call you to your next place, your next purpose, your next ministry. While you're waiting, try and enjoy the time He is giving you to learn, grow, and be still for a time, but be ready to move because when He calls, it's time to go!

Good or bad? Good, I hope...

2009-09-27T21:30:00.003-05:00

So I've made it through another anniversary without Michell. Today would have been 12 years of marriage for the two of us, instead it marks 1 yr 9 months since her death. Funny thing is, the quiesting I've been pondering today is only indirectly related to her death. So, you might ask, what have I been pondering? I've been wondering if it's a good sign or a bad sign that today just seems like any other Sunday.

If you know me well, you know that I not only think about things alot, but I also think about how I think about things alot. (and I even think about the fact that I think about how I think about things alot - I know, scary but true) I know it becomes futile thinking after a while, but it's somthing I've never really been able to stop, and I'm used to it now.

So today, the thing that has made me most upset is the fact that I'm not really upset about the fact that today should have been my 12th anniversary. In my head, I've known it was coming all month, but never really thought about it being a big deal. I know others who have some ritual or plan special activities on dates like this, but today was just a normal Sunday for us.

Now, I'm not one to base my self-worth or self-judgement on the opinions of others, but I am curious to hear what you think about it - is it good or bad that today is just a normal day, with no drama or pain. While thinking about this throughout the day, I've come to the conclusion that I think it's a good thing, but I know I'll keep thinking about it - that's just what I do.

And Michell, as you sit at the feet of Jesus, you already know my feelings better than I know them myself. See you in eternity! Until then, I'll just keep living as God directs me, as best I can.

My house or hers?

2009-08-12T17:33:00.007-05:00

You know, I've tried about 5 times to start this post, and kept erasing them. So now I'm just jumping into the middle - you'll catch up, I'm sure.

I've been feeling a bit out of place in my own house lately. Why? Because in many ways, it's still more Michell's house than mine. At least, the decorating is. I don't know how it is in your house, but I was never overly concerned about what kinds of decorations were up, I was much more concerned that things function well. As a result, Michell did most of the decorating... and since she was a collector, her collections are still everywhere.

Since her death, I have gone through many stages of re-establishing myself as a "single" instead of part of a couple. One of the slowest has been transforming the house to reflect "me" rather than "us". Essentially, there are 3 major steps to making such a change - 1) I have to be emotionally ready to move/remove things, 2) I have to know what's going to replace the things I move/remove, and 3) I have to have the time & energy to move/remove and set up new things.

In the beginning, the emotional issues were the worst. Later, I got to the point where I was emotionally ready, but didn't know what to put in what would otherwise be empty spots. This is a bigger problem than you might think - I know because I cleaned off the upstairs entertainment center and it sat disturbingly empty for many months, and has slowly accumulated random items via the "horizontal curse". I'm still frustrated about that space, and I still don't know what I'm eventually going to put there.

Now, however, the biggest issue centers around time & energy. As a single parent, I rarely have the large blocks of time required to lovingly pack away one of Michell's collections and replace it with something that's more about me. Worse is the fact that it's rarely one thing that needs to change - I have started some work this summer that spiraled into about 4 projects - you know... move A to B so that C can move to A so that D can get shifted closer to where C used to be and... and... and...

There's also an odd emotional issue that's coming around. While I am ready for things to move (in fact, I'm getting very mildly frustrated at my own slow progress), I would really like to sit down and talk about the things I'm moving/removing. Rachel and Zoe aren't old enough to appreciate (or endure) such conversations, and there's no one else to share with. Part of me is worried that the stories will be forgotten, leaving me with boxes of random stuff instead of boxes of meaningful connections. Other than waiting for Rachel and Zoe to be teenagers, I don't know how to solve this one, so I'm just having to move on despite the discomfort.

I am, however, slowly making progress. Curious? Good! because I wanted to share. Below is a picture of a project I finished today. Started it before school let out last spring, but it's finally finished! What is it? A new display area for my playing card collection. I have cards from work trips, from my mom's travel to other countries, from personal vacations, from vacations with Michell, and in the center are the cards from family vacations (before and after Michell's death). There are also some random "for fun" decks tucked in to fill out the display. Here's Rachel showing off the display:

In case you're keeping score on how one project creates another... the new display is in the dining room above the craft table. Putting up this display required moving Michell's bridal portrait, which now has a new home in the living room, which required removing the curio cabinet to make room for the portrait, which required getting (and assembling) a new shelf to hold a few key items from the curio cabinet, which required shifting some furniture to make room for the new shelf. I also have a collection of other items from the curio cabinet removal which still need to be packed away.

So, if you've bee worried because the house still seems more hers than mine, just keep giving me time. I have big plans for the kitchen (model train!), but it may take a while...

Ambushed by grief

2009-07-08T15:33:00.004-05:00

Got ambushed by grief today. Knew it might happen - we talked about it in Griefshare - it's just anytime when your grief unexpectedly rears up and gets you. It happened to me after lunch today. The morning and lunchtime were fine, great even, but since then I've felt down, even to the point of feeling a physical sensation in my head. I probably shouldn't be surprised. There are several things that have happened lately that I should have guessed would trigger it.

First, our beach vacation was great, but I certainly thought about Michell each time we went to the beach. In my mind, I could see what she would have been doing. She loved to sit on the beach and dig down into the sand - down to where there are tons of shells. She could spend hours just looking for one or two good shells.

Second, I've been watching my sister deal with her husband's deployment. They are dealing with similar seperation issues, plus the added stress of his location. Not only has this caused me to remember back to right after Michell died, it has also caused Rachel to regress into grief. My niece, who is the same age as Rachel, frequently cried over missing her daddy while we were on our trip together. Since that first night, Rachel keeps saying how much she misses her mommy. Before the trip, it was at most a weekly event, now it can be several times a day.

Third, I've had two seperate and recent instances of friends just dropping me from their life. Not anyone I would call a "best friend", but certainly someone I thought of as more than just a casual acquaintance. Even though one may have pulled away in an effort to spare me pain, it still hurts to have someone just pull themself away like that. Having it happen twice just makes each instance seem worse.

I'm trusting God to pull me through this. He promises "a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair" (Isaiah 61:3, NIV) and to turn "my mourning into dancing" (Psalm 30:11, NAS). He has been, is, and will continue to be my source of strength, hope, and joy.

I love you, Lord! Thank you for your promises!

A Divine Appointment - The Night that Almost Wasn't

2009-06-12T23:03:00.003-05:00

OK, really long title for this post, but that's because I couldn't decide which of the two names to use for the post. It all started on a dark and stormy night... no, wait, that's wrong.

It starts about 3 weeks ago. You see, I've been really frustrated lately because I haven't been able to arrange a babysitter so that I could go out and do... anything. I had gotten into a good rhythm of having a sitter over 1-2 times a week so that I could have some evenings to myself - go to Little Flock Bible Study, go to the singles' group at church, go to dinner with a friend... whatever. But do it without 2 kids in tow. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids very much (if you read this regularly you know that), but it's good for me to get out sometimes.

So, back to the actual point, it's been a while since I've been able get a sitter here. But I finally had a sitter arranged for tonight. So I called to see what the singles' group was doing tonight - they had already left for a baseball game in Nashville, and even if I wanted to follow behind I couldn't because I would get back too late. Tried to call several people here in town to see if I could go to dinner with a friend... nothing. Needless to say, I was frustrated.

Decided I should just go on to dinner by myself, then maybe catch Star Trek at the theatre (seen it already, but it was good so I thought I might go again). Went to dinner at Steak & Shake, got up to pay and realized that I left my wallet at home. As you might guess, this is not turning out to be the fun evening I had planned. So, I ran home, got my wallet, went back and paid for my dinner (yes, I talked to them before I left and explained what happened). Now it's 20 minutes past the start time for Star Trek, and I'm trying to figure out what to do.

Here's where the night almost wasn't. Part of me, in fact a pretty big part of me, wanted to just hang it up and go on home. Or at the very least, kill time until just after Rachel's bedtime and go home. But I went on to the theater anyway. Looked at the show times, and found that Up was showing in about 10 minutes.

For the record, the previews for Up never really caught my interest. I just didn't know what it was really about, nor did the commercials I have seen really make me want to see it. But, it was the only acceptable choice showing in the next 90 minutes, so I decided to give it a try. Dare I say, Divine Appointment.

Before I go on, a few words about the movie. To me, this was not a typical Pixar film - more specifically, it was not a kids' movie. Toy Story, Monsters, etc. have been reasonably kid-oriented in storyline, but this was much less so. If you haven't seen it, I don't want to give anything away, but I will say that it spoke to me more directly than it will likely speak to most of you. Vague enough? Well, go see the movie (it's really good) and you'll understand.

Warning... there's not a "spoiler" in the next paragraph, but there is a reasonably vague reference to something that happens in the movie. And the paragraph after that has some even more vague semi-references to stuff in the storyline, sorta. I won't be upset if you stop reading and come back after you see the movie. Did I mention it's really good? But not a kid's movie? You should see it.

Back to the Divine Appointment part. If you've seen the movie, then you've probably already guessed where I'm going... the note at the end of the scrapbook (vague enough?). It's a message I've already gotten, already processed, and am already living. But it was very significant to me to see it presented in this way. For those who knew Michell, you know she loved to scrapbook, and so that was an unexpected connection for me. I was very glad I went.

Those who know me well may also wonder how I handled it emotionally. I would say very well. No overwhelming sorrow and no tears, just an understanding that one chapter of my journey is complete and that another has begun. I loved the life I lived with Michell. I love my life now as I live with my girls. I look forward to loving my life as it enters new chapters in the future.

So, the night that almost wasn't - and certainly wasn't what I wanted it to be earlier today - it ended up being just what God intended... a Divine Appointment. So, if you ever forget your wallet and have to go back to pay for the dinner you've already eaten... watch out!

Why does it have to be so easy?

2009-06-03T16:10:00.002-05:00

As I was finishing, I decided to come back to the top and write this quick intro. This is not a normal post for me, but that's OK. You've been warned...

Life has been good lately, and I am incredibly blessed. Why, then, do I still have problems with sin? I know we all have issues with sin ("for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" - Romans 3:23), but what frustrates me is the fact that I have the same problem over and over again.

Truth is, it's way too easy to fall into a pattern of sin-repent-sin-repent. How easy? So easy that the Bible speaks to it specifically. You'll probably recognize the passage...

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1, emphasis mine

Now, I'm not a Biblical scholar, nor have I checked multiple commentaries or even gone back to the original Greek to research the nuances of the original text. What I do know is that in American English, when you talk about "the" something, you mean one specific thing. When parents tell their kids to turn off "the" television, they don't mean any random TV somewhere in the city, they mean that specific TV their kids are watching.

Similarly, I find that in my life there is one particular sin which "so easily entangles" me. Yours may be (and probably is) different than mine, but I would guess that all of us have one of our own. Not something to be proud of, but don't feel that you're a miserable wretch just because you have this problem.

I wonder if this is what Paul was referring to in 2 Corinthians when he talks about the "a thorn in my flesh." (2 Corinthians 12:7) According to that chapter, when he asked God to take it away, the response was, "My grace is sufficient for you." (2 Corinthians 12:9) (which probably would have ticked me off if I were Paul) Again, I'm not a Biblical scholar, just a believer who wonders.

So what do we do? Give in because we know that it will "so easily entangle us?" No, we are clearly called to "put aside" our sin, and the "run with endurance." Just because I know I'm not perfect doesn't mean that I want to stay as bad as I am now... I want to get better - get entangled less frequently, or to a lesser extent. And so "I press on toward the goal" (Philippians 3:14) of perfection, but allow myself some grace when I miss the mark.

How about you?

On the outside looking in... by choice!

2009-05-29T20:58:00.003-05:00

I knew I wanted to post about this on Monday night, but I've spent most of the week trying to figure out how to write it without making it sound like I'm looking for pity or having a "woe is me" moment. I'm not. I'm perfectly ok with what I'm about to describe. Why? RAFO! (read and find out!)

Went to a cookout on Monday night with my Bible study group, and took the girls with me. Got there pretty much on time, though I was one of the last to arrive, and began to feel like I was on the outside looking in.

Have you ever felt that way - you're at a meeting or function or event, and you just don't fit in with the group? They can be good people, people you know and like, but still something seems to separate you from them... and keeps you from feeling like you are part of the group. I find this happening to me fairly often these days, so you're not the only one.

After prayer, most of the group got food and went to the large room to sit, talk, and eat. We got our food, and had to stay in the kitchen. Why? Because the other room was too loud and full of strangers for Zoe. She was clinging to me from the moment we arrived, because she had never been to this place and didn't know most of the people there. So there I was, separated from the group... and I'm not just talking about the physical separation of being in different rooms, but I was the only one there with young children, so I was socially separated as well.

I did get to talk some... the hostess was gracious and stayed with me to talk while I ate, and then another late arriver sat and ate with us as well. Zoe eventually warmed up a little (now that the room was mostly empty and quiet) and went to pet the dog (getting about 10 feet away from me at times).

I knew ahead of time that I could only stay for about an hour because of the girls' bedtimes, and by the time I finished eating and had a short conversation, it was time to go. I passed through the big room where everyone was enjoying themselves on the way out, and Zoe again clung to me as we went. Had a short conversation on the way to the door, and then was in the car to head home.

I said at the beginning that I'm perfectly fine with all this, but at that moment, right when I was leaving, I'll admit that I really wasn't ok with it. At that moment I was frustrated that I couldn't be part of the big group, I was frustrated that my friends hadn't made an effort to come and talk to me, and I was frustrated that I had to leave so early. But all those frustrations were wrong.

On the way home, God touched me and prompted me to ask myself why I was frustrated. I knew what to expect before I even got there - I knew I had to leave early, I knew that I would have to be "apart" because I would be taking care of my girls, and I knew that everyone else would be focused on socializing and would be unlikely to seek me out as I did so. So why was I frustrated? Because I momentarily forgot my own priorities and let selfishness (i.e. sin) creep in.

I could have gotten a sitter, then that time could have been about me. But I chose - did you hear that? "I chose" - to take my girls with me. And as soon as I made that choice, it meant that my resposibility was to them before me. As I got this dose of Godly perspective, I realized that the evening had been great. I got to go to the party, got to show off my girls a little (love that!), and even if I let selfishness in for a few minutes, God helped me kick it to the curb before I got back home.

So, upon further reflection, I had a great night. It capped off a great holiday weekend (Cane Creek, Fall Creek Falls, Ragland Bottom, the Hajdiks, and the cookout... wshew!) full of quality time for me and my girls. And when I feel like I'm on the outside looking in again, I'll just pull out my priority list and remind myself that I've chosen this life, chosen to be true to God's call on me as a parent, and I'll be perfectly ok with it. Because the blessings of being a daddy are way too good to miss!

Not "Bad Dad", Just "Tired Dad", and He's Not Such a Bad Dad

2009-05-17T22:26:00.003-05:00

I've spent the last two days as "Tired Dad." If you've read my posts for a while, you know that I am very open about the fact that I sometimes become "Bad Dad" and treat my kids in ways that I am ashamed of. I know it happens to all of us (partly because several of you have told me that it happens to you), but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Being "Tired Dad" isn't as bad as being "Bad Dad" - I could stick in a joke about "Tired Dad" being "Bad Dad Light"... with 1/3rd less guilt than regular bad dad, but I won't. However, being "Tired Dad" is still an issue that I want to work on. Maybe you've been "Tired Dad" and can let me know the things that help you...

"Tired Dad" has some issues. For one, he tends to be a bit unpredictable - especially on discipline. Behaviors from my kids that would normally get ignored become problems, and minor problems can quickly result in spankings. Fortunately, I have learned to recognize when "Tired Dad" is in the house, and I when I tell Rachel that I'm tired, she knows to respond that it means I'm grumpy. Zoe isn't old enough to process this yet, but at least Rachel gets some warning.

Less noticed by others, but very obvious to me, is the fact that "Tired Dad" looks at time from the end to the beginning. (you ask "He does what?!?") I'm glad you asked that. "Tired Dad" tends to always think of how long it is before he gets a break - i.e. "bedtime is in 3 hours... how can I get us through the next 3 hours?" While this is probably a normal mechanism, it often means that I settle for less - I don't give my kids the attention they want, I'm more likely to let them watch TV, and I even find myself asking them to go play in their rooms while I am somewhere else in the house.

As noted, this is much better behavior than "Bad Dad", but I still find myself thinking later that I missed opportunities to be with my kids, instead of just around them. I also don't want this to become a norm in my life - I want to try and work through it and get better.

One good thing about "Tired Dad" is that he has learned a counter-intuitive lesson. One of the best things that "Tired Dad" can do is organize an activity. One of my favorites is the "invite another family to come play" maneuver. For the cost of three pizzas, I can invite others to come to the house. While for some this injection of others would be tiring, I am a very social person and find it energizing to have company at the house. Not to mention that having more kids around tends to reduce my kid's need for my devoted attention, so I get a partial break without feeling like I've deprived them.

My other favorite is the "go do something at a big place" maneuver. The Cookeville Children's Museum is a great destination, and has tons of things for them to do. But even when it's closed (which is often), something as simple as WalMart or Sams can really change up the pace.

Again, counter-intuitive (I have to watch my kids in the store? and that's supposed to take less energy than at home? are you CRAZY?!?), but it really does help. There's travel to-and-fro, with singing (we always sing in the car). There's time in the store - each one gets to "help" with different things, and they're used to strict behavior rules at the store, so there are fewer discipline issues. Maybe it won't work for you, but it works for me.

Well, "Tired Dad" is wrapping up so he can be in bed on time (11pm) and get some sleep. But even though "Tired Dad" was with me all weekend, he did a pretty good job of pushing through and loving his kids really well. All in all, I'm proud of "Tired Dad" instead of ashamed. And that's a good thing.

Three strands...

2009-05-05T20:25:00.004-05:00

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 (New International Version)

Life has taken on a new joy recently. You would think the opposite, after recent events. For those who've not been following along, the past 18 months have not been the kind of journey that you would expect to come out of with great joy. My wife passed away (Dec 2007), I had emergency surgery for a ruptured colon (Nov 2008), I had a follow-up surgery (Mar 2009), and then a surprise additional surgery to remove my gall bladder (Apr 2009).

What then, is the difference? How have I been able to not only survive grief, pain, and life on the "DL" (disabled list)? No doubt in my mind, the answer is God. He has carried me, sheltered me, comforted me, and lifted me up. The glory goes to Him and Him alone, because without Him, I would probably be a tangled wreck.

So what's happened here recently to allow my joy to become more complete? Two words: three strands. Ok, maybe I need more than two words to help you understand. So let's try a paragraph or two...

The verse at the top of the post is frequently used to talk about the strength that comes in a Godly marriage - the three strands are God, husband, and wife. When fully united, this trio becomes an unshakable, unstoppable force. But I'm not married anymore... so at best I'm back to two strands, right?

In a word, no. God's plan is always big enough - bigger than the Devil's attempts to mess it up. It's true, I don't have a wife - no constant companion with whom to unite in Christ and form the three-strand cord, but I do have friends. Check back through my posts, and you'll find one on loneliness. I went through a brief period of feeling totally disconnected from others, and had to realize what was happening and take charge of what I was (or, in this case, wasn't) doing.

I am now working hard to build relationships with friends, and in the process I am finding that my good friends can step in and be another strand in the cord of my life - not one of them for all things, but a "network of shared responsibility" that God is building around me. I just have to remember that I am the initiator of contact for the network - I have to keep building the relationships that form it. So I am.

If you're not a single parent, then you probably don't understand how difficult this road is to travel. I know that I was clueless before - I thought I could imagine it, but I was so wrong. That road is made more difficult by the very commitment to be a good parent - those responsibilities make it harder to find the time to develop the "network" I mentioned above. It's taken me almost 18 months just to realize some of the things I need, and to diligently pursue them.

I've shifted the focus here a bit, and maybe muddied the water, so let me summarize what I hope you're getting out of this. For one, God is awesome. He has and will continue to take great care of me, and I thank Him for all He has done. He has made me glad!

For another, if you're in my network - be it in what you think of as a "small" or "large" role, I pray that He blesses you 100-fold for the blessing you are to me. I might be able to survive without my network, but having it is allowing me to thrive, not just survive. I look forward to continuing to build our friendships.

And finally, on a bit of a tangent, if you know a single parent (and I think almost everyone does), prayerfully consider making time in your schedule to get to know them better. All you have to do is give an invitation and open yourself to having another friend. Who knows, God may be able to use you in their network, and that is Kingdom work for sure.

Prayers to heaven

2009-04-20T20:33:00.001-05:00

For those of you who have continued to wonder how Rachel is handling Michell’s death, I have an amazing story to share. It happened tonight at bedtime, and it blew me away.

Rachel had just finished reading me her Bible story – I got her a new Bible just this week that she can read from – and I told her it was her turn to pray tonight. She started with her typical, which usually involves telling Jesus that she hopes He had a good day. In itself, that would be pretty cool to blog about, and could get very deep as we consider what we would have done to give Him a good day, but that was just the beginning.

She went on and said something like this…

“I hope you had a good day, too, mommy, you and Jesus. I hope you have a good time up there until one of us comes to see you. We miss you. We miss you very much.”

Up to this point, any time Rachel talked about missing her mommy, she broke down into tears, but not tonight. She finished with a sad expression on her face, but she went on to bed without any issue. It doesn’t mean that she’s finished with her grief, but it seems like a major step to me, and in more ways than one.

The obvious is that she is slowly moving through her grieving process. Even more important to me, however, is her grasp of the Gospel. She Knows (capital K) about Heaven. She Knows (again, capital K) that those who choose Jesus get to go there. And she Knows (you’ve got it now) that both she and daddy have made that choice, so we get to go someday.

She’s asked before about being baptized, and I’ve always wondered if she was really old enough to understand what she was asking about. She’s told me that she’s asked Jesus into her heart, but part of me wondered if it was truly real. I doubt no longer.

So come, celebrate with me. My Rachel has chosen Jesus, and we will spend eternity together! Then pray for us, that together we can show Zoe the Truth, so that she will also choose to join us on the journey.

Pictures of God's Faithfulness

2009-04-09T20:01:00.001-05:00

Finished something that I’ve been working on for a while now – a photo album of 2008. If you live in the Cookeville area, I’ll probably inflict it on you in the near future. As most of you know, Michell was an avid scrapbooker, and while I wanted to continue to take and share pictures, what she did was well beyond me. But I stumbled across the memory books that you can create online, and those I could handle.

After finishing, I’ve gone back through to proofread and to show what I created to a select few. Today, I was thinking about what was in there, and perhaps more importantly, what wasn’t.
I titled the album “2008 – A New Beginning.” The first page has the last (good) family picture from 2007 that included Michell, along with a message about how we miss her. Then you turn that page over, and start into January, where you see pictures of Rachel, Zoe, and I spending time together. As you continue, you see pictures from every month of the year, and every special event you can think of.

So what’s not there? Well, there are no pictures of the days in January I spent laying on the floor, crying uncontrollably. There are no pictures of the nights I lost my temper and threw cups down the hall. Nothing to show how dead to the world I was some days, and nothing to indicate how lonely some days were (and still are sometimes).

What is there is undeniable evidence of God’s faithfulness. How? There are pictures of children laughing, birthday parties, and outdoor fun. There are friends and family who came to visit us here in Cookeville, and those we visited elsewhere. There are messy faces, giggling girls, and a blow-up pool at the bottom of the slide. And, wonder of wonders, a few pictures of Tammy, a wonderful woman I was blessed to have as my girlfriend for a season. (Yes, for those who don’t know, we are still friends, but not dating anymore)

What I see, as I look back, is God carrying me through the darkest chapter in my life. And apparently, I did more than just survive – the pictures show a life full of joy, and they provide evidence of God’s blessings that cannot be denied. I still deal with grief – not so much in overwhelming pain, but in snatches of sadness and moments of emptiness – I expect to deal with that in some ways for the rest of my life. But, as God promised, old things have passed away, and all things have been made new.

The past few months have been frustrating and strange – two surgeries have forced me away from my girls, especially Zoe, for long stretches that I do not like. But, with God’s help, I can do this. With God’s help, I look forward to continuing to heal an move on.

Deep Thoughts... on Loneliness

2009-03-31T22:39:00.002-05:00

First of all, for those who haven't heard, my surgery went well. My recovery, however, has been slower than expected. I am still only up for workdays of 5-6 hours, and can't do much after that because of tiredness. I keep praying that things will get better, and trust God to complete my healing quickly.

During this time, I've been thinking lots about loneliness. If loneliness is not knowing anyone, then there is no way I could be lonely. I know tons of people - see some daily, some weekly, and some less often - but not a day goes by that I don't see or talk to people I know.

But what if that's not what loneliness is? What if loneliness isn't about how many people you know, but rather is about wether you know people well. As I look at myself, and the people I know, most of my relationships are very shallow. The worst part - it's my fault.

You see, I've had these impedences to forming deep relationships: first, I was grieving Michell's death, there was discomfort with friends who didn't know what to say, or there was discomfort because my friends were couples and I wasn't anymore, then I was adjusting to being a single parent, and I have to be at home to put my kids to bed, and I don't want to leave my kids with a sitter too often, and... and... and...

But now, I wonder if my impedences are starting to become exscuses. Yes, it's true, I am a single parent. I need to spend time with my kids, and I need to get them in bed at a reasonable time. No issue - but what am I doing to build relationships? Am I using the time that I do have? As I evaluate myself, I find that I am not.

So, how do I change? Well, I've started with this honest evaluation of myself, and coupled what I found with prayer. In an email devotion I read today, it talked about connecting your desires with your prayers - that we need to intentionally pray for the things we desire - so I am now praying specifically that I will look for and schedule events that allow me to build deeper friendships.

Is it going to be easy? No, probably not. Even as I shed the exscuses, I still have the impedences - many are real and must be addressed. The times I have available are limited, and you can't form lasting relationship with a long history overnight. Also, I'm not a college student anymore - I am not in a culture of people searching for new friendships, rather I am in a culture where most people have a good set of friends and don't feel the need to search for more.

What I do know is that it will be worth it. Why? Because God made us for fellowship - both with Him and with each other. As I get to know others better, I will get new glimplses of my Creator, and nothing could be more desirable than that.

Coming Up Next: Steven's Colostomy Takedown

2009-03-02T15:41:00.003-06:00

Yep, that's right. I'm about ready to get rid of the bag! For those who haven't been following along, last November I had emergency surgery for a ruptured colon, resulting in a temporary colostomy. If you don't know that word (PG content ahead), it means they disconnected my large intestine from my colon and poked the end of my intestines out my belly. I have a bag essentially taped to my belly that my poop pours into, and that I have to empty regularly to prevent blowouts.

So, my colon is healed now, and I am going back for a surgery to reconnect my intestine to my colon. After my recovery (4-7 days in the hospital, ~2 weeks at home, no lifing for 4-6 weeks) I should be good as new, and able to do anything I could do before.

I just got a call from the hospital, and I have to report tomorrow at 6:30 AM, which is earlier than I hoped. (I don't get up until 7am most days, so this is early for me). I'm watching my kids eat dinner at my parent's tonight (I say watching because I'm restricted to clear liquids today) and then leaving around their bedtimes to go for prayer at a friend's house.

So, there will probably be another long post lag, but I trust God that it will all be good news on the other side!

Rachel's 1st Grade Performance

2009-02-26T19:41:00.006-06:00

Just got back from Rachel's 1st grade performance - it was fun! Her class did read/sang/acted out Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day, one of my favorite books from when I was a kid.

"...mom says some days are like that, even in Australia"

Rachel got to hold a sign - the "Horrible" sign. Every time the class said "It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day," Rachel would hold up her sign on cue. She did great, and I am proud of her!

New this, new that... new what?

2009-01-31T11:17:00.003-06:00

So, lots has happened since my last post. We went through Christmas, the anniversary of Michell's death, New Years, and my birthday.

We did some things differently this Christmas - for one, we got a new tree. Michell and I had used the same tree for all 10 years of our marriage, so it was time for a new one - plus, I just didn't want to deal with using the same one we had used. We also put the tree downstairs instead of upstairs, which I liked alot.

Christmas was good - the girls and I had lots of fun. We all got lots of new stuff. Rachel's big gift was a video camera, which she loves. Zoe's big gift was a My First LeapPad, which she's still getting used to. My big gift was a new HD TV and HD TiVo box. I had been saving for the TV all year, and finally took the plunge. For the geeks in the audience, I got a 46" Samsung A650.

The anniversary of Michell's death was less of an issue than I expected. I kept expecting my grief to overcome me, but it didn't. I think I told my parents the same kind of thing over and over - "I keep expecting to be overwhelmed, and it just hasn't happened." Not that I don't miss her - I do, but the memories of her bring more joy than sadness now.

The New Year was an interesting event. It made me realize that I have been a single dad for a year now, and have survived it. Things are actually getting easier, partly because I am functioning at or near my full capacity again, and partly because the girls are both getting older. Zoe is over 2 now, and talking up a storm. While the 2's come with some discipline issues, they also come with new independence and ability that are making life better.

There's another "new" thing in my life, a new girlfriend. Her name is Tammy, and I have been amazed at how God brought her into my life at this time. I never thought it would happen this quickly, but God's plans are not always (or even often) what we expect them to be. We've been dating for a couple of months now, and I am amazed at the joy she brings to my life.

Here are a couple of pictures of her - one she got taken at a studio, and one of the two of us after the church's Christmas Program (it was set in the 1940's, which explains her costume & hair - she sang in an ensemble and with the choir).

Disney Pics Now Available!

2008-12-11T20:30:00.003-06:00

Well, I finally caught a break. Things have settled down enough that I was able to get the Disney pictures posted to the web and on the blog. You can either check out the little bitty slide shows on the right, or you can go to the album and click "slideshow" to see big ones with these links:

Disney Day 1 - Arrival & Epcot
Disney Day 2 - Magic Kingdom
Disney Day 3 - MGM Studios
Disney Night 3 - Spectromagic Parade
Disney Day 4 - Animal Kingdom
Disney Day 5 - Magic Kingdom Again

We'll be back in a moment...

2008-12-01T18:12:00.003-06:00

So, it's been over a month since the last post. A very eventful month, to say the least. About 3 weeks ago, I had some bad stomach pain and a fever, and went to the doctor to see what was wrong. That night, about 8pm, the doctor called me at home and sent me to the ER. They did a CT scan about midnight, and I was in surgery at 2am.

What happened? I had a ruptured colon. Turns out it was VERY serious - as evidenced by the fact that they did the surgery at 2am instead of waiting for 8am. I was totally out of it for a couple of days, in the hospital for about a week, and have been home now for about 2 weeks.

I'm probably about 75% back in action. I can do just about anything except lift heavy objects, though I do get tired very easily. Rachel and Zoe spent about 12 days at my parent's house, and Zoe is still staying with them (I can't lift her into her bed, high chair, etc.).

Overall, I am doing well. I will need a follow-up surgery in February or March (I have a temporary colostomy, which will be reversed). That surgery will have a similar recovery period, but after healing from it, I should have no lasting impacts. I will be cleared to do anything I could do before.

They don't know why it happened; they told me that it was nothing I did or didn't do. All in all, it's been a frustrating and frightening experience, but through it all, God continues to carry me through. I am amazed at how He takes care of me.

Well, here's hoping that your month has been less eventful. I still plan to try and get the Disney pictures up on the site, but Christmas cards will take precedence. Speaking of, if your address has changed since last year, or if you didn't get a Christmas card and want one, please let me know!

And we're back!

2008-10-16T20:26:00.002-05:00

That's right, we're back from Disney - and it was AWESOME. Rachel and I had a great time. I'll try and get some pictures and such edited and posted so that you can see some of the fun, but for now, I just wanted to let everyone know that the trip went great.

Oh, and I am now so incredibly far behind in getting ready for classes and grading papers that I may never catch up.

Twas the night before...

2008-10-08T21:00:00.003-05:00

That's right, tomorrow we head to Disney. Rachel and I are packed and ready to go (we leave at 4:45am tomorrow morning). But for some reason, I have these strange fears in my heart. What if something goes wrong? What if we don't have a good time? What if I can't handle this trip? What if I make it into no fun at all? And worst of all, what if I'm not as good as Michell was at helping the trip to happen in the best way possible.

You see, Rachel has been out on fall break all week, and to be honest, she's been getting on my nerves. I know that it's just her wanting my attention since she's around me so much more, but I really have found it to be frustrating. You would think that after Michell's passing, that I would have more patience and want to have this time with Rachel, but some days it just isn't in me. I don't want to be the one having the temper-tantrum on the trip, but I am afraid it might happen.

So, strange as it seems, pray for my vacation. Pray that God will help us to have a good time, build new memories at Disney without Michell, for both Rachel and I to move gently through any moments of grief, and for me to not stress out too much. I don't want to be "bad dad" on this trip.

Also, for when we return, please keep praying that Zoe will sleep better. For a week or two, she seemed on a better pattern, but recently she has been up many times a night, and it has been cutting into my sleep.

I'll post again sometime on the other side of the trip!

A visit, an anniversary, and a legacy

2008-09-29T09:49:00.002-05:00

Just finished a great visit from some even greater friends. Thanks again to the Grouse clan for trekking over to Tennessee to visit us. They couldn’t have come at a better time. Why? Because this was my anniversary weekend. Saturday would have been 11 years married for Michell and I, if she were still alive.

Lots has been happening in my life lately – mostly good things – and the past two weekends have really helped me to process it. First was the retreat, and then this weekeind staying up late talking with friends about what God is doing in my life.

On the retreat, we talked about the gifts God has placed in your life and how you are using them. Through some of the discussions that weekend, a new vision for ministry began to crystallize in my life. Nothing extraordinary, no flash of lightning or anything like that, but I have felt like I’ve been adrift, waiting for God to give me a direction for months now.

For one, I think it’s time to start having more friends to the house again. For a time, I’ve been feeling a bit like a stranger in my own house – Michell was the decorator and collector, so her stuff is still everywhere. The house still reflects her more than me. I love having people over, but I guess I was worried about people seeing her house instead of mine, but I just have to get over that, and know that the house will continue to change and evolve over time – just like it would change and evolve if Michell was still alive – and that over time, it will become more indicative of me when I am able to put away some of her things.

For another, I have a new direction of helping to develop leaders within the church. I’ve had the benefit of leadership training on several occasions, and now I’m going to start putting together a class on leadership with an emphasis on connecting business (secular) leadership principles with Biblical principles, because there is great overlap between the two. I’m excited about where this could go.

There’s also been some pain in my life lately. I wrote about my overwhelming grief moment at the retreat already, and today I had another two such moments as well. I should have expected both of them, but they managed to catch me by surprise. The first was after the Grouses left – we had breakfast together – and when I was driving away from the restaurant, I just started to cry. I think in the moments after good friends come to visit, it sinks in how it would have been if Michell was there with us. That brings back my longing to see her, touch her, and just be with her, and my grief swells up to the top.

The other happened a few minutes ago when I was reading a magazine article. It was about a couple who passed on a legacy of money to dozens of their friends when they passed away. In the article, it talked about how they were still holding hands in their 90s, and that their marriage was a testimony. That’s something Michell and I talked about often – we didn’t just want to be married, or even to just stay married. We wanted to be an example of what marriage should be – loving, caring, vibrant, and God-centered. We talked about being married for 50 years, and how important it was to us to create that legacy. It wasn’t good enough to exist together for that time, we wanted to grow together and in God for that time. 10 years just isn’t what we wanted. I cried so much that I had to stop reading the article several times to collect myself before I could go on.

I think having friends over helped to mask some of the pain of my anniversary coming and going, but reading that article brought it all back to the forefront. We deserved more than 10 years. You know, I just wrote “She deserved more” and erased it. She’s in heaven, getting more than I could ever offer her here on earth. Even if I could be the perfect husband (which I can’t) and Rachel and Zoe could be perfect children (which of course they are, except on days whose names end in “y”), there is no way that life here could match life in heaven. I think I’m really just feeling a little selfish, and wanting her back for me, because whether I deserve it or not, I wanted more. Still want more.

The other, smaller pain has been the realization that I am not ready for a dating relationship yet. Again, this should not be a surprise, but it was. Just a few weeks ago, I was posting about meeting someone and developing a friendship that might lead to a dating relationship. It still might, but I know now that I have a much longer road ahead of me before my heart and my head will be ready to take those kinds of steps. We’re still friends, and plan to continue to do things together, but my attitude about the relationship is definitely different now than it was a few weeks ago.

Oh, and the “ring” part in the title. I still notice that my wedding ring isn’t on my finger. I notice it when I drive, when I go to sleep, when I wake up. It’s funny, I remember when we first got married that I would notice it was there all the time. Then I guess I got so used to it being on that I forgot about it. Now it’s been off for months, and I still notice that it’s missing. Just like today – Michell has been gone for almost a year – and I still notice she’s gone.

Psalm 6:3 - My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?
Psalm 13:2 - How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?

Another Perfect Day

2008-09-20T06:30:00.004-05:00

I should have posted several things before now - I had some dreams about Michell that I wanted to post about; my anniversary is approaching and suddenly I am noticing that my wedding ring isn’t on my finger again; and then there’s the story about dad, Zoe, and the grapes that makes me laugh just thinking about it, but none of those have made it to the blog.

What is making it to the blog, however, is the moment of overwhelming grief that I had last night. I’m on a retreat – the single’s group at church has one ever fall, and I thought I was ok to come. We’re talking about gifts, and started the weekend by watching the movie “The Ultimate Gift” with James Garner (yep, from the Rockford Files).

During the movie, we meet a little girl who is dying from leukemia. She gets asked what was the gift she wanted more than anything, and she replies “The perfect day – a day spent with the people who love me, and who love each other.”

They ran that scene again during the credits. I had to leave the room for a few minutes, overwhelmed by how much I still miss Michell. Overwhelmed at the thought of having just one more day with her. We could do anything – even housework – and it would be a perfect day. Just because she would be there.

I’ve wondered all along if I was really ready to come to this retreat. I’m still not sure I am. I’ve wondered about where I’m really at. I don’t think I’ve had an overwhelming moment in months – and not many little moments either. Form talking to others and reading, I understand that I will never get “over” losing my wife, I will just get used to living without her.

If you're reading this, please realize that any day can be that “perfect day” – it’s not about what you do, it’s about who you are with.

A long overdue posting...

2008-09-07T19:40:00.001-05:00

This time, it hasn’t just been business that has kept me from posting. I’ve been wondering when to start talking about something new that’s happening in my life. I’m not superstitious – I don’t think that talking about it will cause it to end – but I do wonder at times how everyone will react.

I’ve started hanging out a lot with a young lady I met in the singles group at church. We’re not calling it dating, but I can see it leading to that in the future. We’re trying to be very careful as we move forward. We both have issues from our past, and our past experiences are very different, so we want to be sure that we have cemented our friendship so that nothing that might happen later would ever drive us completely apart.

We’ve been getting good advice from friends; most seem excited for both of us, but warn us to proceed very slowly and with great caution. We’re trying our best to follow that advice.

To be honest, I think I have been the most surprised about my desire to pursue a relationship at this point. I worried that people would think I was dishonoring Michell, that it was too soon for me to start thinking about dating again (and as I said, we’re not dating at this point, just talking about it as a potential future).

But if you’ve been following my posts, you’ll remember from a few months back that I went through a period when I would be driving around town, in tears as I was apologizing out loud to Michell because I knew that I was moving on with my life. As I moved through that experience, I think it freed my heart and my head to the possibility of starting a new relationship, and if this one has God’s blessing, He will continue to reveal that to us over time.

For those who are wondering, she is a divorcee, and she has a beautiful 2-year old daughter. And yes, that makes me greatly outnumbered when we all get together. Somehow, I just don’t mind.

Moving Forward

2008-08-16T19:13:00.001-05:00

Once again, I have let quite a long time pass between posts. Fortunately, this time it’s because things have been generally going well.

Zoe is sleeping better – for the past several nights she has only gotten up once per night, Rachel has settled back into school – yes, Putnam County schools are starting Week 4 on Monday, and I … well, I’m really far behind.

You see, all summer long I have focused my work attention on my research project for TDOT. It’s gone fairly well, but because it didn’t get the attention it deserved back in January-April, it was way behind. Well, now it’s about caught back up to where it needs to be, but now the summer is almost over for me (classes start the 25th) and I haven’t done squat to get ready for class yet.

Not that this is unusual – it seems like it happens every summer. I have great plans, and very little gets accomplished until the week before class starts. So, hopefully I’ll get bunches of work done in the next 7 days.

On the home front, things are also behind where I wanted to be. I had planned to take a day each week and work on the house. For the most part, the house still reflects Michell much more than it does me – she was the collector and the decorator. Don’t get me wrong, I was not upset (in fact enjoyed) the way that she displayed her collections around the house, but for the past few months I have been wanting to make the houise a little more reflective of our new family life – which means more reflective of me.

I do have some plans (lots of plans, very little time or energy to carry them out). My first goal is to do a makeover in the downstairs family room. Dad is going to help me build some bookcases that will match the built-in desk, and I’ve bought a new TV stand and plan to make some matching shelves.

The difficult thing is deciding what to do with the things that were “ours”. The things that were mine, for example my turtle collection, are simple. The things that were hers, for example her porcelain dolls, are reasonably simple – I will keep a few to pass on to Rachel and Zoe, and ask Michell’s family about the rest. But the stuff that was ours – like our collection of playing cards from our trips – these are the hardest to decide what to do with. Do I keep them? Do I display them? How? Where? Are they a permanent fixture? Or can they be taken down if, at some future time, I begin to date or even remary?

In the end, I think I’m going to have a lot of boxes full of stuff in the garage. I feel bad for Rachel and Zoe for when they eventually have to go through them all and decide what to do with the stuff I didn’t know what to do with.

Bad Dad - again.

2008-08-04T00:35:00.000-05:00

There are times I am convinced I am a horrible parent. It’s going on half-past midnight, and this is one of those times.

It’s been a stressful weekend – Zoe has been very fussy, and I don’t really know why. Both yesterday morning and this morning, it was a constant struggle to get her to stop fussing – she would scream and fuss over nothing, then after 20 minutes would want to do what you were offering her in the first place.

I’ve also not slept well the past two nights, so I know I am tired on top of all the stress I am feeling from the weekend, but still I should be able to handle my children and not lose my temper, shouldn’t I?

Zoe still isn’t sleeping well. About 10:40, she woke up, took some milk, and went back to bed… for about 10 minutes. From then until 11:40, it was up and down every few minutes, and my stress level went through the roof. I had gone to bed early because I knew I was tired, but it didn’t help because Zoe would not let me sleep.

At 11:45 she kept asking for more milk, which I didn’t really want to give since she just had some an hour before, but I finally was so overcome with frustration that I got her some. After giving her some time to drink it, and her telling me she was finished, I put her back in bed and started to leave. I hadn’t taken two steps toward the door when she started to scream at the top of her lungs about the milk.

I lost my temper. I threw the cup. Not at her – but at her crib. I know I would never throw anything at her, but I threw the cup at the crib to vent my anger.

Problem is, the cup was only plastic, and it broke. It threw milk all over her and her crib, and it terrified her.

How could I let my temper get away from me like that? What kind of parent could do something that would terrify their own child – and only a toddler at that?

I loved on her for a while, until her tears subsided, then cleaned up the mess. I loved on her some more, until my tears subsided, and asked her to forgive me. I know she doesn’t understand, but she nodded her head yes, and it does make me feel better.

After a while, I put her in bed, went into my room and cried some more. I asked God to forgive me, and I know He has.

I know I do a lot of things well as a parent – at least I think I do. But at times like this, I really miss Michell. Not just for the help she gave, but for forgiveness that Zoe doesn’t know how to give.

I have to quit now, Zoe just started crying again, so I need to go try and be the parent God wants me to be.

I pray that He helps me.

Awesome trip, with moments...

2008-07-24T21:38:00.004-05:00

Should have posted this last week, but I’m behind. What else is new?

Went on an awesome trip with some friends – thanks again to MC and JA, it was a blast. It all started back several months ago when I was talking with my sister. Out of the blue, she mentioned that whenever I was ready to go on a trip for myself, she would keep the girls for me. Up to that point, I had not thought about going on a trip for myself, which is strange because I was always pushing for Michell and I to go on trips just the two of us.

At first, I didn’t think I was ready, and didn’t know what I wanted to do. But after a while, I started to think about going to a theme park (in fact, it came to me in a dream). I knew that I didn’t want to go by myself, so I started talking with some of “the gang” from high school and college, and in short order had a trip planned and ready.

We went to Six Flags Over Georgia, and wow – what a trip! We rode all the coasters, plus the sky buckets, the swings, and the log flume. There are some fun pictures at the bottom for your enjoyment.

Most of the trip was uneventful – but I did have two of “those moments.” The first was not unexpected – on the lift hill of Goliath (200’ lift, 70mph), I found myself looking up at the sky and talking with Michell. It didn’t really bother me, in fact it was a bit of a relief, and gave me a chance to continue to make peace with the fact that I am moving on.

The second was very unexpected, and came completely from habit. After our first trip on Superman (face-down coaster), I got off the train and reached back to take Michell’s hand and help her off the train and walk back around with her to ride again. It’s exactly what I used to do – hold her hand – all the time. It wasn’t overwhelming, but it was a noticeable moment.

So, even though I am moving on, there are still some habits that are just so ingrained in me that they haven’t fallen away. And the next few months promise more times which will reveal my loss again:

August – Michell’s birthday
September: Our anniversary
October: Zoe’s Birthday
November: Thanksgiving
December: Christmas, the anniversary of Michell’s death

I don’t know what these next months will bring, but then again we never do. All I know is that God still loves and cares for me, and I want to continue to follow Him.

Oh, and roller coasters are cool.

Long time, no post...

2008-07-10T16:21:00.001-05:00

Well, this is the second time that I took about a month between posts. This time, however, it’s been because work has been extremely busy. I’m at a crunch point in my research project, and I want to get it squared away so that I still have time to get ready for classes before the semester starts.

Can you believe that Rachel goes back to school in about 2 weeks? Schools here have the first day on July 24th! Then about a month later, classes start for me at TTU. Seems like the summer just got into full swing, but that’s the schedule they run…

In regards to my last post, my wedding ring is still on my keychain. I still feel strange without it at times – probably about twice a day I find myself noticing how strange that finger still feels – but there have even been a couple of days when I drove the van instead of the car and the ring stayed here in the house instead of going with me.

I’ve also done some cleaning in my bedroom (thanks again, mom) that has freed up some space to start putting together some things I want to keep that were Michell’s (or ours together with special memories). It is strange to me that the house has changed so little, but I really haven’t had the time to make changes. I do know that the décor in the house will change – it reflects her so much and me less so – but for now I almost don’t notice that her collections are still everywhere.

I also started a project that has been waiting a while – making copies of the DVD from Michell’s celebration service to send to those who asked for a copy. Just haven’t been able to make myself sit down and do it before now, but now it seems ok. So, if you want a copy of the video from the service, just let me know and I’ll get you one.

Well, I know this isn’t much of a post, but I just wanted to get something up so that I can move on to the next post without feeling like I have to summarize so much. Happy July, everybody.

With this ring...

2008-06-16T22:06:00.000-05:00

It’s been a long and tiring day. Rachel and I went to Splash Country with my sister, nephew, and niece today, so I am very tired as I write this. But something very unexpected happened today, and I wanted to write about it before I went to bed.

We started the day at the wave pool. After getting fresh sunscreen on everyone, we wanted to spend a few minutes there getting wet before we headed off to one of the rides. I hadn’t been in the water long when I threw my hand up in the air, and saw my wedding ring go flying through the air.

Now before anyone panics – I got it back no problem. I saw it fly off my finger, go though the air in an arc, and land in the pool about 15’ away. I walked right over, saw it on the bottom, and picked it up. No panic, no searching, no worry. But it did create an unexpected situation…

You see, I haven’t been able to take my ring off and feel comfortable about it yet. I have taken it off for a few minutes at a time, but it never made it out of my hands, and always went back on my finger. But when it came off today, I knew I had to leave it off at the park or risk losing it somewhere, so I just naturally went and put it in the locker. Then immediately asked myself if I would put it back on or not.

During the day, it didn’t really bother me for it to be off. But on the drive home, I found myself “noticing” that it was off – fingering the place where it would be on my hand. I couldn’t put it back on during the drive (to keep it losing it in the locker or dropping it without noticing, I put it on my key ring like a key), and started wondering if I would put it back on when I got home.

I’ve been home about 3 hours now, and it’s still on my key ring. With the possible exception of the times I had surgery, this is the longest it has been off since the wedding. I still don’t know what the long-term choice will be. Still feels strange for it not to be on my finger sometimes. I do know that I don’t want to have it re-sized, because that would probably ruin the inscription on the inside of the band (Two Became One – 9-27-97). Maybe it will bother me when I go to bed, maybe I’m so tired I wont’ be awake long enough for it to bother me.

Oh, and the day at the water park with Rachel was great. We rode raft rides, lazy river, tube rides, and she played in the kids area. We’re both tired, and she’s been in bed since about 7:15. That’s the direction I’m going now.

To the Aquarium we went...

2008-06-13T08:32:00.003-05:00

Had some fun this week – Rachel and I went to the Georgia Aquarium (see picture below). We made an overnight trip of it, and spent the night with a good friend of mine (thanks again for the hospitality S&B H). Zoe stayed here in Cookeville (thanks for the overnight stay to R&S S).

It was a good trip for us to take. Michell and I loved going to aquariums – I’ve been to at least 5 different ones now, plus several repeat trips – and Rachel likes them too. So, it allowed me to continue establishing the “new normal” of our family life.

Forgot my camera and video camera, so I have almost no tangible evidence of the trip itself, but that’s ok. I almost wonder if just the getting out and doing it was more important than archiving the experience. We have at least one more trip planned this summer (Splash Country, next week) and I have put a hold on a fall trip to Disney.

I’m trying to prepare myself for the Disney trip – Michell and I went twice as a couple, and then we took Rachel when she was 4, so there are lots of memories to deal with. Not to mention that I get sick on the Teacups, and Rachel loved riding them (with Michell, not me).

So far, the summer has gone pretty well – I need to get more stuff done both at work and at the house, but that’s a normal feeling even from before Michell passed away.

Well, this post has been all over the map. Thanks again for all the notes and encouragement that everyone continues to send my way.

Celebrating with sadness

2008-06-02T10:50:00.002-05:00

Just got some great news, and it made me really sad.

What’s the great news? I got invited to be a member of a national-level research committee – it’s a great step in my career. In fact, it’s been on my list of goals since I started my job here at Tennessee Tech. For those outside of academia, it’s probably hard to understand, but it’s a really big deal. It means that I have been recognized as an expert in my field, and have gained the respect of my peers nationally.

Why did this make me so sad? Because Michell isn’t here to celebrate with me. I can’t call her and tell her the news. I can’t hear her tell me how proud she is of me. We won’t go out to dinner and celebrate. She won’t drive over to my office on her lunch hour to tell me again how proud she is. We won’t open one of the bottles of sparkling grape juice that still sit in the bottom of the refrigerator waiting for special occasions.

You see, she was always so supportive of me, so proud of my success. Whenever I achieved a goal, or even took a baby step toward one, she did the things I wrote about. She would tell me on the phone how proud she was, she would come by to see me, she would schedule a dinner together… she would celebrate with me.

What am I doing instead? Going home at lunch, eating by myself, loading the dishwasher, and getting the grocery list together so I can go to WalMart this afternoon.

You know, I am so thankful to God for His blessings on my career. Even through these past few months, His hand is evident. I have received awards, been given extensions, had my contract renewed, and now achieved a goal I thought was 3+ years away, if it could ever bee achieved. So please don’t think I am ungrateful – I just wish Michell was still here to share all these blessings with. I miss her so much.

Great weekend, tough start to the week...

2008-05-21T08:32:00.003-05:00

I had a great visit with some friends from NC this past weekend. They drove all the way from the Raleigh area with their two kids just to come see us. Michell would have loved it – both showing off the house and staying up until 2am to talk.

I also loved it – their kids and mine got along great, we got to do several things that are hard to do by myself, and they cooked almost every meal (I don’t think I’ve eaten that well in quite some time…)

Monday and Tuesday were hard. Every time I finish something like this, something that is different than it would have been if Michell was still alive, it forces me to deal with another wave of grief. At my desk at work on Monday, I probably just sat for over an hour, dealing again with the fact that my wife is gone.

Monday evening, Rachel really started having grief of missing Michell. I think seeing our guests operate as a family, especially as a family with a mommy, made her remember all the things she used to do with Michell. I guess I should expect it – if these things stir up my grief, then why not hers as well? It just rips me up, because I can’t fix it.

Then Zoe started fussing at 11pm and didn’t go back to sleep until about 1am, and then I had trouble going to sleep. It’s a good thing Rachel woke up on time – she came and got me up at 7:10 – or we would have been late for school on Tuesday. We were running close as it was!

Tuesday was also not the best day. First, I on the way home from dropping the girls at school, my car died. Just quit running as it came into the neighborhood. Praise God that I was close to home and not with the girls when it happened. Fuel pump, by the way, and should be ready by Thursday.

Then, when I finally got to work after getting the car towed to the shop, I got a call from preschool that Zoe had thrown up. So… away from work to get her, then off to see the doctor, who said “It might be a little cold, or a little virus, or just reflux. She’s fine.” But even this was not all bad, Zoe and I had a fun afternoon at the house together – she clearly wasn’t acting sick, she was playing everywhere (including on top of me).

But now it’s Wednesday. I got better sleep last night (4+3, give or take), Rachel & Zoe were in pretty good moods this morning, and both got up on time and got to school on time. God is good!

Mother's Day

2008-05-11T21:50:00.001-05:00

So, how do you prepare for Mother’s Day when your wife, and the mother of your children, passed away a few months ago? Apparently, it doesn’t matter what you do, it doesn’t dull the pain.

Today has been hard. This morning before church, I thought I was going to be OK, but even though we didn’t have a heavily themed service (in fact, service was awesome, despite my pain), it was still a very painful Sunday morning. Fortunately, after church I went to my parents’ house, and that has become such a familiar thing that I didn’t really think about it being Mother’s Day anymore.

I’ve given up trying to describe how bad the hurt is at any particular time, I never seem to be able to explain just how bad it hurts, but church today was the roughest Sunday in quite some time. It follows a rough week, when I tried doing a couple of things on my own that I used to do with Michell.
To celebrate the end of the semester, I went to Knoxville and met my sister to have lunch and do some shopping. Michell and I used to take a “date day” at the end of each semester, and that was our usual agenda. When I was with my sister, things went ok, but both on the drive up and drive home, things were bad. The drive home was especially bad.

I also went out to dinner by myself. Seems a small thing, but I have been avoiding it. Oh, I’ve eaten by myself, but I had not gone out to dinner here in Cookeville alone. I spent most of the meal reading a book, and left the restaurant feeling like the entire evening had been too quiet. That’s become a common feeling for me – that my evenings have been too quiet.

I’ve also begun to feel and express guilt over the fact that I am moving on. I find myself talking out loud to Michell, and telling her that I’m sorry that I have to move on, sorry that I have begin to think of myself as single, sorry that I feel the need to get involved in new communities (I’m thinking of going to my church’s singles group in the next month or so), sorry that the memories of our marriage, great as it was, are not enough to sustain me. I know she wouldn’t be (isn’t) upset, but that doesn’t let me turn off the pain.

I also have to fight the urge to find a girlfriend. I said in a prior post that I really don’t know who I am and what I want to do anymore, and I know I am not in any shape for a serious relationship right now. I still feel this incredible desire for companionship – we were created for community – and I have to continually keep my thoughts in check.

Given the pain I feel at the loss of my wife, I have trouble reconciling my desire to find someone else already being so strong, but maybe it is just a natural response to loss. After God, Michell was the focus of my life, and the Michell-shaped hole looms incredibly large. I trust God to help me with this issue, and pray daily (often more than once) that He will guide my thoughts and desires according to His plan.

Well, that’s more than I set out to write, so I think I will stop now.

A little sleep does wonders...

2008-05-05T09:16:00.001-05:00

It really does. Zoe has slept better over the past week – she’s gotten back to only waking up once after my bedtime – and I’m getting 5-6 hours of sleep in a chunk, and then another 1-2 hours more after that. It has really changed my disposition – I am able to concentrate more and have a bit more patience with my girls. I regularly praise God when I get up, because of how long I got to sleep.

Of course, this goes hand in hand with the fact that Zoe hasn’t been sick in a while, either. The last time she went to the doctor’s office, he thought it was allergies. So, she’s now on two allergy medicines, and together they seem to have really made a difference in her health. She’s back to being her happy self, and I thank God for it.

My good days are still getting better, and more frequent, but the bad days and bad times still come. Just last week, I was getting ready for church on Wednesday night, and I thought everything was going well. I was in my closet, and I suddenly turned around and hugged a group of Michell’s clothes and started crying. It probably took me 10 minutes to get through it. Things are like that sometimes – I don’t know when or what will trigger the pain.

I’m still searching for who I am without her (see my previous post). Not the big things – salvation, career, daddy – these things are not in question. It’s the little things – hobbies, interests, “fun” – that I don’t know what I really want to do.

Time is the thing – time to grieve and move forward, time to discover who I am , time for the girls to get older and be able to do more for themselves, time… but I don’t want to stand still, and I certainly don’t want to miss something that’s happening now because I am too anxious to get to later.

What do I want to do?

2008-05-01T19:36:00.002-05:00

It seems like a strange question, but I ask it of myself all the time. I was married to Michell for 10 years, and she was my best friend. We always did things together – even things I would not have chosen to do myself were fun because she was doing them with me. Now I don’t know what to do.

I find myself searching for… myself. What do I want to do? What do I like? By myself, what things will be interesting? Most often, anything I think of would be great to have done with Michell, but by myself sounds dull. Or worse yet, sounds like it will just make me miss her more.

And most of the time, even if I could think of something I wanted to go do, I can’t. With a toddler and a kindergartener, I’m back at home for supper every night, and “stuck” at home after bedtime. I do have a sitter come one night a week, and on Wednesday night we go to church, but you get the picture.

I find myself gravitating to TV shows (the few that are worth watching, anyway) and books that I have read many times before. I wonder sometimes if I am just passing time – avoiding the pain – rather than really doing “what I like to do,” because I never can find a good answer to my own question.

I guess I’m having to re-discover who Steven is without Michell. A good friend summed it up well – it was never “just Michell,” it was always “Steven and Michell.”

I miss her fiercely, and I don’t really know who I am without her.

Long Time, No Post...

2008-04-28T15:27:00.002-05:00

Wow, it’s been over 2 weeks since I last posted. Lots has happened since then, and some of it good. Zoe’s been sick twice, I’ve been sick once, and Rachel has too. But we’re all better now (though Rachel & I are still on our antibiotics). But the best news of all is that Zoe is sleeping better.

Seems odd to think of it, but she’s now on 2 allergy medicines every day. She had been the queen of nasal drip, but now things are getting better. And last night, she slept from 9:30 pm to 6:45 am. I woke up and praised God – after a full 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep!

There’s no way I could write everything that’s happened, but just know that there have been some very good moments (like this morning) and some very bad ones (like the visit to the graveyard after they installed the grave marker). In all, the good days are getting better and more frequent, but (at least it seems like) the bad days are getting worse, though they happen less often.

Maybe now I can get back to more regular posting.

Conference call

2008-04-10T09:30:00.001-05:00

Went to a conference this week – Sunday-Tuesday in Memphis – and the girls stayed here in Cookeville. It was good, having a chance to be away for two days. I still didn’t sleep very well, but I think that’s just a stage I am in right now. The girls did great (Zoe did better for Sherri than she does for me – maybe I should go out of town more often), so no worries there. And I think this short trip will make it easier for me to go to later conferences that are longer and further away.

Had a really bad moment on the trip, though. I had finished my sessions for the afternoon around 4:30, with nothing left to do before dinner at 6:30. As I walked out of the conference center to cross the street to my hotel, I pulled out my phone and started to call Michell. You see, that’s what I always did at conferences – when I got a break, I called Michell. It was always so good to talk with her.

As I stared at the phone, the reality of her death came crashing in again. It was all I could do to keep from just dropping to the ground. I cried as I walked back to my hotel room, and kept crying when I got there. I miss her so much.

Later that evening at dinner, I saw a few attendees who had brought their families along. That was our plan, too. When the girls were old enough, they would all come along – or, sometimes we would find places for them to stay so that Michell and I could go together. Now, neither can happen. I can’t take the girls, because I can’t watch them during the conference, and Michell isn’t here to go with me anymore.

Going to conferences is part of my job – a part I usually enjoy. Overall, this one was ok, and I hope that in the future I am able to enjoy them more fully. My next on is in July, and it’s usually a very good conference. And God will help me – I know He will.

2008-04-03T23:27:00.003-05:00

I experienced great kindness today – from a totally unexpected source. I was in Wal-Mart, getting some groceries, and I went by the portrait studio to cancel an appointment I had made. Rachel got her school pictures, and they were good, so I decided to keep those as her birthday portraits.

The manager there, Emily, has taken most of our pictures since we moved to Cookeville. Michell would regularly stop and talk with her when she walked by the studio, and apparently she made another connection. Emily recently told me she was moving to Knoxville, and I had told her about Michell’s death.

When I told her I was canceling the appointment, she said she had something for me. She handed me an envelope with something I never expected. She had gone back and re-printed some pictures that Michell and I didn’t buy, and gave them to me. When I saw them, I started to cry. It was all I could do to say “thank you” before I had to walk away.

I pulled them out again in the car, and started crying uncontrollably. I sat in the parking lot and cried, and I kept crying all the way home. I thought I was through most of the overwhelming pain, but the pictures brought my loss crashing back – pictures of Michell and the girls, of our whole family, of Michell and I together. We were taking a picture of the two of us to hang in our bedroom – I think one of them is up there, in a frame, waiting for me to find. I’m afraid to find it.

For now, looking at these pictures brings me terrible pain. She still looks just the way I remember – so vibrant, so beautiful, a loving wife and caring mother. I think about how much I miss her, about how much the girls will miss because she won’t be here to love them and care for them, and about how alone I feel without her.

Yet I am so very thankful for this unexpected blessing. I have a few copies of each to share with family and keep for the girls. And because I know someday I will be able to look at them, not with pain, but with joy.

Zoe's flu - and being "bad dad"

2008-03-31T09:15:00.002-05:00

I am so tired. Zoe got the flu last Thursday (today is Monday), and my life has been so stressful since then. Thursday night, Zoe threw up 4-5 times during the night, and coughed when she was sleeping. Friday night she only threw up 1-2 times, but she still coughed all night. Needless to say, I got no sleep either night.

Saturday night she didn’t throw up, but woke up screaming and it took me almost 2 hours to get her back to sleep. After that, it was 4am and I couldn’t get back to sleep. During the day on Sunday, my mom came over and watched her for a few hours so that I could get some work done (I had a Monday and Tuesday deadline to meet), then that night my dad came to watch her during the night so that I could sleep.

Worst thing is, I’m still sleep walking this morning. I have no energy, no concentration, and just overall exhausted. I’m not even sure I remembered which events went with each night when I wrote the stuff above this. On top of all that, I fell like I can never get a break – it’s like I careen from crisis to crisis with no opportunity to establish a routine.

In the midst of it all, I had to be “bad dad” this morning. I hate that. Zoe has a prescription for Tamiflu, and she wouldn’t take it this morning. I tried all the tricks I know – give it quick (she threw it back up immediately), give it in little parts (wouldn’t take the first one), putting it in a spoon for her to hold, even mixing it with chocolate syrup (my sister’s idea). No go. In the end, I had to trap her arms and lay her on her back, then put it in her mouth while she screamed, and hold her in place until she swallowed.

I know that’s happened to all parents at sometime – I remember having to do it with Rachel. But, even though giving her the medicine is the right thing to do, I still feel like such a bad dad for having to do it that way. I love my daughters, and I don’t want to do anything that makes them scream like that. She was fine 2 minutes later, as I knew she would be, and was laughing in the car later, but I still hated it.

Oh, well. Back to work. Maybe I can wake up enough to get something done…

Packing away a part of me

2008-03-26T22:35:00.002-05:00

It was like packing away a part of me. Tonight, I finally started putting away the nativity sets that were out as part of our Christmas decorations. Michell collected nativity sets – she had about 40 or so – and every Christmas, she would clear spaces around the house and display them all to help remind us that Jesus is the truth of Christmas.

It wasn’t just the fact that she collected them, or that they are a part of my collective memories of our life together, that made it so hard to put them away. You see, I started her collection. For the first few years we were married, we had such a small budget for Christmas that I usually found myself in the dollar store looking for just one more thing.

The first year, I found a nativity set – a white, porcelain single piece set that didn’t exactly match the picture on the box. I gave it to her, and she liked it. The next year, I found another $1 nativity set – a faux stained glass one with a tea light candle holder in the back, and again she liked it.

After a few years, I remember asking her if it would be ok if I didn’t give her one for Christmas. At first she said yes, but about two weeks later she came back and said that it would bother her if I didn’t given her one, and so the tradition continued.

I even remember one year, when I was shopping on Christmas Eve (no gifts yet purchased), and the store I was in had already cut prices by 50%. There was a really cool nativity, which, even at 50% off, would consume my entire budget. I called and asked her if it would be ok if she only got one gift, and she said it would be.

That nativity became a permanent fixture in our home. It was on display all year long – and as I sit here typing at my computer, I can look over my shoulder and see it on the shelf. It gets to stay out, along with a few others that were in Michell’s display case, and two that I chose to keep out (one from our last anniversary trip, and one that was originally her grandmother’s).

The rest have now been packed into boxes, and should make the journey back under the stairwell in the next day or two. I can’t imagine what it will be like next Christmas. All I know is that soon after I started putting them away, I had this overwhelming feeling that I was packing away a part of my life – a part I didn’t ever think would end, a part I miss more than words can say. There’s a deep down hurt, and sometimes (like now, as I type) that it pushes up to the surface, and I can’t help but cry.

Too much to post...

2008-03-24T19:42:00.001-05:00

Seems like I don’t get time to post anymore. Zoe still isn’t sleeping well (last night she was up from 2-4am), so I am tired most of the time, and I’m also behind at work because of all the visits to the doctor.

Recently, I’ve wanted to post about several things:
1) more issues with being angry when Zoe won’t go back to sleep
2) having a week-long time frame when I didn’t seem to grieve anymore (that ended)
3) missing Michell because of special events (Rachel’s birthday, Easter)
4) crying when Zoe says “mommy”
5) great fun at Rachel’s sleepover birthday party

But, in the end, I’m posting about all the things I wanted to post about. Hopefully I’m going to get caught up at work over the next few days, and then I can get back to more regular posting.

If you’re praying, and I can tell that many of you are, pray for Zoe to sleep well, for me to get some big projects done at work, and for some good 5-minute supper ideas (hot dogs and sandwiches I know, but I’m getting tired of hot dogs…).
Pray also for a friend of mine who needs prayer more than I do. And thanks again for all the encouragement and prayer.

Missing My Help-Mate

2008-03-16T08:02:00.003-05:00

It’s been a while since I last posted, partly because of busyness and partly because the trip to NC left me numb. I also had some big work deadlines that kept me overwhelmed with work for a few days.

Today, more than any time so far, I miss the support of my help-mate. Zoe threw up last night around 5pm, and had a temp of 101. I called my parents, and they were on the way to pick up Rachel so I could take Zoe to an Urgent Care, and Rachel just started to cry. “I miss mommy,” she said through her tears, and together we cried. My help-mate, I need you.

About 11pm, when Zoe had been crying for over an hour, I finally thought I had gotten her back to sleep. I didn’t even make it all the way back to the bedroom before she started crying again. I wanted to wait in the bedroom, to give her a few minutes to see if she would get herself back to sleep, but I got so angry. Angry that I couldn’t get her to sleep, angry that I couldn’t make her feel better, and angry that she couldn’t understand that the best thing she could do was sleep.

I stormed down the hall, I threw open Zoe’s door. I told her “No, Ma’am. You have to stop. You have to sleep.” I even popped her hand, like I do when she does something wrong. Of course, it only made things worse – me being angry with her. She didn’t understand my anger; she just wanted to be comforted. Michell always knew when I was getting frustrated, and we took turns to keep me from getting angry. Last night, I was just glad when she finally went to sleep (11:45). Today, I have cried from missing Michell, and from letting my anger get loose.

Michell, my help-mate, I need you so much. How can I do this all by myself? Why can’t you come back? I miss you so much. I need you so much. Why can’t you come back? This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.

Good trip, Hard trip

2008-03-06T15:48:00.001-06:00

So, we’re back safely to Cookeville.

The trip to NC was good – the girls had a great time with Granny & Papa (who claim, however erroneously, that no spoiling occurred), we got some great family time, and I got a chance to reconnect with lots of friends.

The trip to NC was hard – Michell and I met there, dated there, and lived there for the first 7 years of our marriage. Everywhere I went, I was reminded of a time with her, which in turn reminded me of how much I miss her.

For me, the best part of the trip was the fact that I felt OK at M’s parent’s house. I wondered if I would be able to stand being there without her, but it was ok. It didn’t feel right, especially the first day, but I wasn’t overwhelmed by it either. I can (and will) go again, without fear.

The worst part of the trip was driving around. For one, it just takes so much longer to get anywhere there – at least 30 minutes for short trips, and more like 60 for longer ones. But more importantly, Raleigh was always Michell’s back yard – when we drove around, she would always know a better way to get there, and we would always hold hands and talk on the trip.

The worst was probably Monday afternoon. I had just visited my old work, and did a quick “drive by” of our old house in Garner. I was headed to dinner before the visitation at Raleigh First. I couldn’t stop crying. I kept asking the questions that have no answers – Why did she have to die? Why can’t I have her back? We were supposed to be together for a lifetime.

10 years just wasn’t enough.

Busy weekend behind, busy week ahead

2008-02-25T08:46:00.000-06:00

Haven’t posted in a few days, though a lot has been happening. I never did get started on the detailed description of events surrounding Michell’s death. I don’t know why, really, I had a few nights when I could have sat down and done it. Maybe I still just don’t want to.

This weekend was eventful. I got to take Rachel to the Daddy-Daughter Dance here in Cookeville. Some friends from church took Rachel with their daughters to get her hair and nails done, and she looked fabulous. I’ll post pictures soon, but for now I’m leaving them in the camera so I can show them to Michell’s parents when I visit.

That’s right – this Saturday, we’re traveling to NC for a visit with Granny & Papa Williams. I don’t know how I’m going to react when I’m there, but I need to go. I have scheduled some times on Monday to meet with the people who couldn’t come to Cookeville for the funeral services, and I think that will be very wearing on me – but I want to get it done and over with, to have some closure.

I’m not sure who is more excited, Rachel or Granny. Every time they talk, they keep getting each other more and more excited. There’s a new swing set waiting for Rachel there in NC, and she is pumped to see it. This week will be busy getting ready – especially early in the week. Rather than drag a bunch of luggage around, I am going to ship our clothes and some other things to NC, and try to only take one bag, one stroller, and one car seat with us to the airport. With the trip, it may be more than a week before I post again.

In terms of tears, the past few days have been tough on me. Michell would have loved getting Rachel ready for the dance – even now I can’t stand the thought of her missing it. Then on Sunday, during worship, so many people came down front to worship – especially the youth – and I could almost see her. Even this morning, with no real stimulus, I was just crying over her – missing her and wanting her back. On the drive in, I held my hand out to the place where we would hold hands when driving – but she wasn’t there. Oh, how I wanted her to be there.

Class in 5 minutes, so I have to go. I need to stop crying so I can teach.

Two more days, and songs that make me cry

2008-02-20T16:15:00.004-06:00

It seems strange, two days passing with nothing really hitting me to post about. I had some good times, and some sad times. I had some successes and some failures. But nothing really jumped into my head and said “you should post this – people would care about this.” But things have continued forward in the Click household…

I had lunch with my parents on Monday, and chose a grave marker for Michell. That was strange. There weren’t many options, and yet it seems so important to choose the right thing. The right thing for me, I guess, though I tried to choose what I thought Michell would have liked. Not a major decision, but its made. Right now, going to the gravesite doesn’t do anything for me. I know Michell’s body is buried there, but it’s just an empty shell – she isn’t there. Things may change over time, maybe in the future I will feel closer to her there, but not now.

On a positive note, Zoe seems to be past all her sickness, and is doing much better, including sleeping better. For the past two nights, I have not had to go into her room from bedtime to about 6:30 AM. Last night she fussed a couple of times, but never for more than a minute or two. The night before, she slept through without even fussing enough to wake me up. Consequently, I’m more rested than I have been in a while.

On the sad side, yesterday was a “sad song” day. There were several instances when I would hear a song on the radio, and the words would strike a chord or bring up a memory and I would cry. I remember two in particular…

There’s a new song out by Britt Nicole, “Don’t Worry Now” (video, lyrics), that talks about a young girl whose father dies. Toward the end, the song says:

It's taken so long to let this go, It's taken so long to feel that
You’re right here next to me, And I can finally breathe
It's taken so long but now I know, I had to find out on my own

And I know, and hate, that it is going to take so long to get through this.

There’s also a song out by Steven Curtis Chapman, “Cinderella” (video and lyrics), that got to me even before Michell died, because it’s about the daddy-daughter relationship. When I heard it yesterday, all I could think about was the things Michell was going to miss – and that the girls were going to miss because she’s gone.

While writing this, searching for the video and lyrics, I can’t help but cry again. I miss my Cinderella. There were supposed to be more songs for us.

'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

Michell's midnight came far too soon.

A not-so-deep post

2008-02-18T15:18:00.007-06:00

Seems odd to feel like I've not posted in a while, when it's only been 2 days. Today, rather some deep posting, I worked on a new section of the sidebar - scroll down and you will find some links to sites that can help you made a decision to accept Christ as your personal Lord and Savior. If you have questions, send them my way. Or, if you know of other good sites like this, let me know and I will add them.

For the next few days, I will probably be working on a detailed timeline of events leading up to Michell's death. Not that I'm looking forward to reliving that time, but I feel that I owe it to Rachel and Zoe to get it written down in detail before I start to forget the details. Neither of them is old enough to understand most of it now, but as they grow up I am sure they will ask about it, and I want to be able to answer.

Sad thing is, part of me hopes I will forget the details over times, while another part of me is afraid of forgetting. Oops, sorry - I said this wasn't going to be deep...

By the way, Zoe is feeling much better, though she was a very grumpy girl yesterday. If I hadn't been at my parents, I probably wouldn't have any hair left - not that I have much anyway. She went to preschool today, and Rachel visited a friend Elizabeth this morning (school is out for President's Day, though everyone else seems to be working) and is here in my office watching Scooby-Doo on her DVD player right now.

Satin sheets ... that we never used

2008-02-16T13:40:00.003-06:00

I was looking through the drawers under the bed today, both to see what was in there and to see if I could free up some space to store some sheets and a blanket. In the process, I found a set of red satin sheets, and lots of pain.

You see, those sheets were never used. Michell bought them before we moved to Cookeville, so they are at least three, and probably more like five or six, years old. But they never made it onto the bed.

Why not? Michell had been saving them for a special occasion, a romantic evening on a bed with satin sheets. What kind of event would be worthy of such special treatment? Not an anniversary, or a new job, or even a new house – we had all those things, and none were special enough for the sheets to be used.

As I look back, I am afraid that what she was waiting for was for me to ask. Every few months we would be looking through those drawers, and she would point them out to me, pointing out how she was looking forward to the night we would, eventually, use them. And every time, I would think the same basic thing, “These feel slick and cold. I don’t think they would be very comfortable. I hope we don’t put them on today.” And we never did.

I think she knew I didn’t want to put them on the bed. I always thought that she would convince me someday, or just put them on when I wasn’t there to surprise me with a romantic evening. Every time we looked at them, I tried to prepare myself to react as well as possible when she eventually did put them on. Never did I think that she would die and leave them unused.

If there’s something you’re saving for sometime, someday, when something happens, or when things are just right… stop waiting. If there's something you know your spouse wants but you're resisting... stop resisting. Trust me, you will never regret the decision to go ahead and do things together.

In truth, I have very few regrets following Michell’s death – mostly because she pushed us to do the things we wanted to do together. We took 10 days in Orlando to ride all the best roller coasters. We took a 7-day Alaska cruise, not on our 15th or 20th anniversary like we first planned, because she got it in her head that we should go ahead and go. And I am so glad we went. I don't regret it for an instant. Even though it was at a lousy time (the summer we moved to Cookeville) and caused lots of stress (is that stuff in the temporary apartment, or in storage?), it was still a great trip. I don't regret it at all.

I only regret the things we never did.

Painful moments, and selfishness

2008-02-14T20:35:00.008-06:00

Had a few painful moments today. My late wife's boss brought me the box of things that had been in her office. Mostly pictures, including the one from this year's Christmas card.

I was doing fine with everything until I got to a folded double 5x7 frame. As I pulled it out, I opened it up and found two pictures from our wedding – one of us in dress & tux, and one in the t-shirts we had made for our exit. (see below)

I started to cry. I sat there and cried. I hugged the frame and cried. I said out loud, “Why did she have to go? Why can’t I have her back? I miss you so much. I love you and I want you back.” Even now, hours later, as I remember and type it brings tears to my eyes.

Always when I think about it I come to the same conclusion – wanting her back is selfish. She is standing in the throne room, surrounded by the heavenly host, in the presence of God, who she has (and should have) loved more than me. How can I ask for her to have to give that up to come back to this fallen world. How can anything here compare to there?

This past Sunday, we sang “Arise” in church. The verse begins:

One thing we ask of you,
One thing that we desire
That as we worship you,
Lord, come and change our lives

I couldn’t sing that line. I tried. I just fell down and said honestly to God that right now, the one thing I desire is to have my wife back. I know it won’t happen. I know it is selfish to ask. But it is how I feel. It is what I want.

I wonder, if the choice was really up to me, would I have the courage to tell her to stay there – in the presence of God – or would my selfishness be so strong that I would make her give it all up to come back?

Snow Day becomes Sick Day

2008-02-13T21:47:00.001-06:00

I am typing, but should probably be sleeping. Late this afternoon – after I posted the “good day” message – I got a call from Zoe’s preschool saying that she had a fever and was obviously sick. To the doctor’s office we went.

After about an hour wait (no appointment, just first come first served), we got to take both a flu test and an RSV test, and got a positive on the RSV. Now, Rachel is spending the night with Granny & Papa Click, I’m here with Zoe (who is thankfully sleeping), and schools have already been cancelled for tomorrow.

So, since I should be sleeping, I think I will go get started. Pray for us!

Snow Day! (a good day)

2008-02-13T14:06:00.004-06:00

Today has been a good day. It started with a good night sleep, because Zoe only got up once, and just for about half an hour. The day did start early, however, as Zoe started coughing around 6am and didn't ever go back to sleep, instead of sleeping until 7am.

But, on the bright side, it is a snow day. My parents kept Rachel for the day, while I taught classes in the morning and did some errands and administrative work in the afternoon. Rachel's had a good time so far, and I doubt that will change.

Also, dinner is handled because, since it's a snow day, my mom invited us to dinner. So, instead of braving the restaurant world with 2 girls, I get the support of my parents during dinner. I don't know if we'll have church or not, but I hope so.

All in all, the snow is a bit of a disappointment - the roads are clear (which is good) but there's not enough snow for sledding (which is bad). I would love to take Rachel sledding today, but it just isn't going to happen -it would be more "dragging" than "sledding", so it almost isn’t worth being called snow.

Today has also been a good day because, so far, I haven't cried from missing my wife. For those who have not been through the death of a spouse, it's not that I don't miss her - I miss her very much - but I haven't been so overwhelmed today that I needed to cry. The past two weeks have been especially hard; with more tears shed than anytime before, but today... today has been a good day.

On the death of my wife, and starting this blog...

2008-02-12T12:06:00.000-06:00

As I type, I hurt. I can't believe it took the death of my wife to push me to a place where I would start a blog. But at this moment, I feel like I need an outlet - not only to get my thoughts down, but to have a way to let everyone know how I and my girls are doing.

It seems like a year since her death, it seems like just yesterday she was still alive. Why do... no, the answers to the "Why" questions will only come when we see face to face, and then they won't matter anymore. I loved my wife with reckless abandon - and I know she loved me in return. How can anyone ask for more? God does not promise tomorrow, but He does promise to be with us always. I cling to my late wife's favorite verse...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I don't know how long I will keep this effort up, or what this blog will become. Will I stop after today's first post, or look back after years of regular updates? Will the posts reflect my journey through the grieving process, or be an oversized, public refirgerator for pictures of my daughters? I don't know, and won't until the God calls me home, where I can both see Him, and see her again.