Be Thankful for "Lifers"

Been reconnecting with some my lifers lately - I am so thankful for them! What's a "lifer"? That's what I call a friend that remains true throughout your life. One of those handfull of friends with whom time and distance never matter, you can always pick right back up with never a snag. You know, the ones you can call at 2 in the morning and not have to apologize when you start the conversation.

So, why have I been reconnecting? Because my lifers are a great source of Godly counsel. They help me figure things out when I can't solve it on my own. The past few days have been especially cool, because God has used several of them in shifts, each one's advice and info adding to the prior to give me a fuller picture than any one could individually. How cool is that!

What a treasure my lifers are! They know many of my hidden faults and fears, but can look past them and still accept and care about me. They never force their ideas or advice on me, but their insight never ceases to amaze me - an amazing blend of their God-inspired wisdom and their understanding of who I reall am that frequently cuts to the heart of the matter.

Just in the past few days, I have reconnected with three of my lifers, including my longest-term lifer and the wife of my newest-term lifer couple (it's early in the relationship, but I'm pretty sure they're going to be lifers). The interactions have made me realize just how awesome these friends are to me, and how thankful I am that they are part of my life.

So, what about you? Do you have some lifers? If so, take a minute to be thankful and to realize just what a blessing you have.

Stray thoughts...

Wow. Unitl I came to post this, I didn't realize how long it's been. I knew it had been a while, but not this long. Oh, well. Apparently Facebook has taken over for posting my thoughts. In truth, I wasn't planning to post tonight, but a stray thought just took me on a journey and I thought I would share. It starts with one of the last things Michell and I talked about.

We were in the hospital, and I think it was after the girls had come to open their Christmas presents. Michell told me that if I looked around on her side of the closet, I would find the present she bought for me. I told her, "Plenty of time for that once you're back home." Of course, she never did come back to the house, but went to her heavenly home instead.

About a month later, when I was looking around for.. I don't even remember what... I finally found it. At the time, I just dropped down and cried. There were several things to make up the whole gift, but I only remember one of them - a devotional book by Tony Dungy intended to be the seed for a mens small group. That book still sits on a table in my room, waiting. Waiting for a time when I'm not "head coach" over all my church's groups and I can lead a group myself.

I don't know what triggered this particular memory, or why it was so truly vivid in my mind tonight. I do know that I've been frustrated recently that I don't know where God is taking me right now. Someone I was talking to at church tongiht mentioned that she felt that God had put her in a "holding pattern," and I know exactly what she means. I have ministries I am faithful to perform, but I feel more like I'm waiting for God to release me to the next thing, rather than full of vision for the future.

If you're there too, holding, waiting on God to show you what's next, let me encourage you (as I remind and encourage myself): God gave you gifts and talents to further His purposes. When everything is ready, He will call you to your next place, your next purpose, your next ministry. While you're waiting, try and enjoy the time He is giving you to learn, grow, and be still for a time, but be ready to move because when He calls, it's time to go!

Good or bad? Good, I hope...

So I've made it through another anniversary without Michell. Today would have been 12 years of marriage for the two of us, instead it marks 1 yr 9 months since her death. Funny thing is, the quiesting I've been pondering today is only indirectly related to her death. So, you might ask, what have I been pondering? I've been wondering if it's a good sign or a bad sign that today just seems like any other Sunday.

If you know me well, you know that I not only think about things alot, but I also think about how I think about things alot. (and I even think about the fact that I think about how I think about things alot - I know, scary but true) I know it becomes futile thinking after a while, but it's somthing I've never really been able to stop, and I'm used to it now.

So today, the thing that has made me most upset is the fact that I'm not really upset about the fact that today should have been my 12th anniversary. In my head, I've known it was coming all month, but never really thought about it being a big deal. I know others who have some ritual or plan special activities on dates like this, but today was just a normal Sunday for us.

Now, I'm not one to base my self-worth or self-judgement on the opinions of others, but I am curious to hear what you think about it - is it good or bad that today is just a normal day, with no drama or pain. While thinking about this throughout the day, I've come to the conclusion that I think it's a good thing, but I know I'll keep thinking about it - that's just what I do.

And Michell, as you sit at the feet of Jesus, you already know my feelings better than I know them myself. See you in eternity! Until then, I'll just keep living as God directs me, as best I can.

My house or hers?

You know, I've tried about 5 times to start this post, and kept erasing them. So now I'm just jumping into the middle - you'll catch up, I'm sure.

I've been feeling a bit out of place in my own house lately. Why? Because in many ways, it's still more Michell's house than mine. At least, the decorating is. I don't know how it is in your house, but I was never overly concerned about what kinds of decorations were up, I was much more concerned that things function well. As a result, Michell did most of the decorating... and since she was a collector, her collections are still everywhere.

Since her death, I have gone through many stages of re-establishing myself as a "single" instead of part of a couple. One of the slowest has been transforming the house to reflect "me" rather than "us". Essentially, there are 3 major steps to making such a change - 1) I have to be emotionally ready to move/remove things, 2) I have to know what's going to replace the things I move/remove, and 3) I have to have the time & energy to move/remove and set up new things.

In the beginning, the emotional issues were the worst. Later, I got to the point where I was emotionally ready, but didn't know what to put in what would otherwise be empty spots. This is a bigger problem than you might think - I know because I cleaned off the upstairs entertainment center and it sat disturbingly empty for many months, and has slowly accumulated random items via the "horizontal curse". I'm still frustrated about that space, and I still don't know what I'm eventually going to put there.

Now, however, the biggest issue centers around time & energy. As a single parent, I rarely have the large blocks of time required to lovingly pack away one of Michell's collections and replace it with something that's more about me. Worse is the fact that it's rarely one thing that needs to change - I have started some work this summer that spiraled into about 4 projects - you know... move A to B so that C can move to A so that D can get shifted closer to where C used to be and... and... and...

There's also an odd emotional issue that's coming around. While I am ready for things to move (in fact, I'm getting very mildly frustrated at my own slow progress), I would really like to sit down and talk about the things I'm moving/removing. Rachel and Zoe aren't old enough to appreciate (or endure) such conversations, and there's no one else to share with. Part of me is worried that the stories will be forgotten, leaving me with boxes of random stuff instead of boxes of meaningful connections. Other than waiting for Rachel and Zoe to be teenagers, I don't know how to solve this one, so I'm just having to move on despite the discomfort.

I am, however, slowly making progress. Curious? Good! because I wanted to share. Below is a picture of a project I finished today. Started it before school let out last spring, but it's finally finished! What is it? A new display area for my playing card collection. I have cards from work trips, from my mom's travel to other countries, from personal vacations, from vacations with Michell, and in the center are the cards from family vacations (before and after Michell's death). There are also some random "for fun" decks tucked in to fill out the display. Here's Rachel showing off the display:

In case you're keeping score on how one project creates another... the new display is in the dining room above the craft table. Putting up this display required moving Michell's bridal portrait, which now has a new home in the living room, which required removing the curio cabinet to make room for the portrait, which required getting (and assembling) a new shelf to hold a few key items from the curio cabinet, which required shifting some furniture to make room for the new shelf. I also have a collection of other items from the curio cabinet removal which still need to be packed away.

So, if you've bee worried because the house still seems more hers than mine, just keep giving me time. I have big plans for the kitchen (model train!), but it may take a while...

Ambushed by grief

Got ambushed by grief today. Knew it might happen - we talked about it in Griefshare - it's just anytime when your grief unexpectedly rears up and gets you. It happened to me after lunch today. The morning and lunchtime were fine, great even, but since then I've felt down, even to the point of feeling a physical sensation in my head. I probably shouldn't be surprised. There are several things that have happened lately that I should have guessed would trigger it.

First, our beach vacation was great, but I certainly thought about Michell each time we went to the beach. In my mind, I could see what she would have been doing. She loved to sit on the beach and dig down into the sand - down to where there are tons of shells. She could spend hours just looking for one or two good shells.

Second, I've been watching my sister deal with her husband's deployment. They are dealing with similar seperation issues, plus the added stress of his location. Not only has this caused me to remember back to right after Michell died, it has also caused Rachel to regress into grief. My niece, who is the same age as Rachel, frequently cried over missing her daddy while we were on our trip together. Since that first night, Rachel keeps saying how much she misses her mommy. Before the trip, it was at most a weekly event, now it can be several times a day.

Third, I've had two seperate and recent instances of friends just dropping me from their life. Not anyone I would call a "best friend", but certainly someone I thought of as more than just a casual acquaintance. Even though one may have pulled away in an effort to spare me pain, it still hurts to have someone just pull themself away like that. Having it happen twice just makes each instance seem worse.

I'm trusting God to pull me through this. He promises "a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair" (Isaiah 61:3, NIV) and to turn "my mourning into dancing" (Psalm 30:11, NAS). He has been, is, and will continue to be my source of strength, hope, and joy.

I love you, Lord! Thank you for your promises!

A Divine Appointment - The Night that Almost Wasn't

OK, really long title for this post, but that's because I couldn't decide which of the two names to use for the post. It all started on a dark and stormy night... no, wait, that's wrong.

It starts about 3 weeks ago. You see, I've been really frustrated lately because I haven't been able to arrange a babysitter so that I could go out and do... anything. I had gotten into a good rhythm of having a sitter over 1-2 times a week so that I could have some evenings to myself - go to Little Flock Bible Study, go to the singles' group at church, go to dinner with a friend... whatever. But do it without 2 kids in tow. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids very much (if you read this regularly you know that), but it's good for me to get out sometimes.

So, back to the actual point, it's been a while since I've been able get a sitter here. But I finally had a sitter arranged for tonight. So I called to see what the singles' group was doing tonight - they had already left for a baseball game in Nashville, and even if I wanted to follow behind I couldn't because I would get back too late. Tried to call several people here in town to see if I could go to dinner with a friend... nothing. Needless to say, I was frustrated.

Decided I should just go on to dinner by myself, then maybe catch Star Trek at the theatre (seen it already, but it was good so I thought I might go again). Went to dinner at Steak & Shake, got up to pay and realized that I left my wallet at home. As you might guess, this is not turning out to be the fun evening I had planned. So, I ran home, got my wallet, went back and paid for my dinner (yes, I talked to them before I left and explained what happened). Now it's 20 minutes past the start time for Star Trek, and I'm trying to figure out what to do.

Here's where the night almost wasn't. Part of me, in fact a pretty big part of me, wanted to just hang it up and go on home. Or at the very least, kill time until just after Rachel's bedtime and go home. But I went on to the theater anyway. Looked at the show times, and found that Up was showing in about 10 minutes.

For the record, the previews for Up never really caught my interest. I just didn't know what it was really about, nor did the commercials I have seen really make me want to see it. But, it was the only acceptable choice showing in the next 90 minutes, so I decided to give it a try. Dare I say, Divine Appointment.

Before I go on, a few words about the movie. To me, this was not a typical Pixar film - more specifically, it was not a kids' movie. Toy Story, Monsters, etc. have been reasonably kid-oriented in storyline, but this was much less so. If you haven't seen it, I don't want to give anything away, but I will say that it spoke to me more directly than it will likely speak to most of you. Vague enough? Well, go see the movie (it's really good) and you'll understand.

Warning... there's not a "spoiler" in the next paragraph, but there is a reasonably vague reference to something that happens in the movie. And the paragraph after that has some even more vague semi-references to stuff in the storyline, sorta. I won't be upset if you stop reading and come back after you see the movie. Did I mention it's really good? But not a kid's movie? You should see it.

Back to the Divine Appointment part. If you've seen the movie, then you've probably already guessed where I'm going... the note at the end of the scrapbook (vague enough?). It's a message I've already gotten, already processed, and am already living. But it was very significant to me to see it presented in this way. For those who knew Michell, you know she loved to scrapbook, and so that was an unexpected connection for me. I was very glad I went.

Those who know me well may also wonder how I handled it emotionally. I would say very well. No overwhelming sorrow and no tears, just an understanding that one chapter of my journey is complete and that another has begun. I loved the life I lived with Michell. I love my life now as I live with my girls. I look forward to loving my life as it enters new chapters in the future.

So, the night that almost wasn't - and certainly wasn't what I wanted it to be earlier today - it ended up being just what God intended... a Divine Appointment. So, if you ever forget your wallet and have to go back to pay for the dinner you've already eaten... watch out!

Why does it have to be so easy?

As I was finishing, I decided to come back to the top and write this quick intro. This is not a normal post for me, but that's OK. You've been warned...

Life has been good lately, and I am incredibly blessed. Why, then, do I still have problems with sin? I know we all have issues with sin ("for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" - Romans 3:23), but what frustrates me is the fact that I have the same problem over and over again.

Truth is, it's way too easy to fall into a pattern of sin-repent-sin-repent. How easy? So easy that the Bible speaks to it specifically. You'll probably recognize the passage...

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1, emphasis mine

Now, I'm not a Biblical scholar, nor have I checked multiple commentaries or even gone back to the original Greek to research the nuances of the original text. What I do know is that in American English, when you talk about "the" something, you mean one specific thing. When parents tell their kids to turn off "the" television, they don't mean any random TV somewhere in the city, they mean that specific TV their kids are watching.

Similarly, I find that in my life there is one particular sin which "so easily entangles" me. Yours may be (and probably is) different than mine, but I would guess that all of us have one of our own. Not something to be proud of, but don't feel that you're a miserable wretch just because you have this problem.

I wonder if this is what Paul was referring to in 2 Corinthians when he talks about the "a thorn in my flesh." (2 Corinthians 12:7) According to that chapter, when he asked God to take it away, the response was, "My grace is sufficient for you." (2 Corinthians 12:9) (which probably would have ticked me off if I were Paul) Again, I'm not a Biblical scholar, just a believer who wonders.

So what do we do? Give in because we know that it will "so easily entangle us?" No, we are clearly called to "put aside" our sin, and the "run with endurance." Just because I know I'm not perfect doesn't mean that I want to stay as bad as I am now... I want to get better - get entangled less frequently, or to a lesser extent. And so "I press on toward the goal" (Philippians 3:14) of perfection, but allow myself some grace when I miss the mark.

How about you?