Motivation... where have you gone?

Haven't posted for a few days, partly because Zoe has been sick and partly because I haven't known what to post about.  Grieving for mom has been very different than grieving for Michell was, which shouldn't surprise me.  I think the biggest issue I am having since losing mom is a total lack of motivation to do... well... almost anything.

In general, I'm a fairly lazy person, and at best a crisis-centric, last-minute worker.  "Never put off to tomorrow what can be put off to next week," I say.  But I still do (usually) get things done.  I may not pick the best times (note the near midnight timestamp on this post), and I frequently stop at "good enough" rather than working all the way to "done", but I do eventually get stuff done.  But right now, I'm just not motivated to do anything.

This happened before, right after Michell died.  Then, I chalked it up to being tired from all the new responsibilities I had to deal with.  But now, I am beginning to recognize it as an expression of my grief.  Michell used to have a list (an extremely detailed, never ending list, but I digress) of things for us to work on, and when she was gone I was without a clue about what I should be doing - especially after the kids were in bed.

As I slowly got back into doing things each evening, my mom became the person that I would call to tell of tasks completed.  Talking about those things with her seemed to give them more meaning, and that is now lost.  I mean, really, who can I call to tell them that I got the laundry put away?  Not exactly noteworthy...

And so, for the past few weeks, I have simply been sitting down each evening and doing nothing.  "I just sit, sit, sit, sit.  And I do not like it, not one little bit."  Or maybe I do like it... just a little.  I just don't like the sink full of dishes, or the Christmas decorations still out, or... or... or...

And the lack of motivation does not limit itself to household tasks, it also seems to impact my social life (or lack thereof).  I was in the habit of going to lunch with friends fairly often, and haven't recently.  I haven't looked for a place to watch the Superbowl yet, because I'm just not motivated to go.

Fortunately, I know it's not permanent.  I am a social creature, and will eventually want to get out again.  I will find motivation to get things done around the house again.  I will not let grief become depression, nor will I allow it to become an ever-present excuse.  But at this moment, motivation is missing. 

Funny thing is, I never saw my mom have a lack of motivation.  She worked all day every day getting things done.  When I had big things to do, I would often call and ask for her help, not because I really needed help doing, but because I needed her "let's keep working until it's done" attitude.  Ironic, isn't it.  I'm grieving my "workaholic" mother by being a "lazy-bum" son.