Ambushed by grief

Got ambushed by grief today. Knew it might happen - we talked about it in Griefshare - it's just anytime when your grief unexpectedly rears up and gets you. It happened to me after lunch today. The morning and lunchtime were fine, great even, but since then I've felt down, even to the point of feeling a physical sensation in my head. I probably shouldn't be surprised. There are several things that have happened lately that I should have guessed would trigger it.

First, our beach vacation was great, but I certainly thought about Michell each time we went to the beach. In my mind, I could see what she would have been doing. She loved to sit on the beach and dig down into the sand - down to where there are tons of shells. She could spend hours just looking for one or two good shells.

Second, I've been watching my sister deal with her husband's deployment. They are dealing with similar seperation issues, plus the added stress of his location. Not only has this caused me to remember back to right after Michell died, it has also caused Rachel to regress into grief. My niece, who is the same age as Rachel, frequently cried over missing her daddy while we were on our trip together. Since that first night, Rachel keeps saying how much she misses her mommy. Before the trip, it was at most a weekly event, now it can be several times a day.

Third, I've had two seperate and recent instances of friends just dropping me from their life. Not anyone I would call a "best friend", but certainly someone I thought of as more than just a casual acquaintance. Even though one may have pulled away in an effort to spare me pain, it still hurts to have someone just pull themself away like that. Having it happen twice just makes each instance seem worse.

I'm trusting God to pull me through this. He promises "a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair" (Isaiah 61:3, NIV) and to turn "my mourning into dancing" (Psalm 30:11, NAS). He has been, is, and will continue to be my source of strength, hope, and joy.

I love you, Lord! Thank you for your promises!