Spiritual Lessons... from swimming?

Last week, I finally returned to my habit of swimming for exercise.  Between the Christmas holiday and then dealing with mom's illness and death, it had been about 2 months since my last swim - and last week I really felt it.  As I get back into the groove, I've discovered some truths that apply not only to my exercise routine, but also to my spiritual life.

If you want to succeed, set reasonable, achievable goals.  Last fall, when I decided to start swimming again, I wanted to set a goal to push myself enough that I got real exercise.  Scholarship-level college swimmers can usually swim a mile in ~20 minutes.  This is not a reasonable, achievable goal for a 41 year old, out-of-shape me.  I started with the goal of building up to a half mile swim within 2 months (made it in a month) and then set a new goal of < 20 min for a half mile by the end of the school year. (achieved for the first time today).  Now I am setting a new goal of regularly swimming a < 20 min half mile.

Spiritually, we need the same kind of game plan.  When Michell passed away 3 years ago, my personal Bible study habits were (I'm ashamed to admit) nonexistent.  I had great church-going habits and good service/outreach habits, but no personal study habits at all.  I know they needed to be better, but I had always set UNreasonable, UNachievable goals that frustrated me to the point of not trying anymore.  You know the drill - I would hear a message about reading the Bible daily, decide to change, and set a goal of reading my Bible for 30 minutes every day (for the rest of my life!).  UNachievable - even things we normally do every day we miss occasionally: we get sick, we go on vacation, etc.  UNreasonable - to go from 0 minutes a month to 30 minutes a day instantly?  Well, God certainly can make such changes happen instantly, but more often He helps us to make small changes daily.

I have finally succeeded by setting better goals - I bought a page-a-day devotion book with postcard sized pages.  I set a goal of reading the 1-page devotion 5 days each week.  It was a ~5 min commitment with some "free pass" days.  I didn't have to be perfect, and if I missed a day it didn't feel like total failure.  That has built over time to bigger and bigger goals, and now I try to read a full chapter and study the margin notes that go with that chapter.  I still keep to the 5 days a week part - I often read more than 5 days each week, but if I miss a day it's not a failure, it's still a goal met.

That voice that says "You can't" is usually lying. My first day back in the pool, I thought I was going to die about halfway through.  I was tired.  I was sore.  I wanted to quit.  I rationalized: I hadn't swum in a while, I would eventually get back to my norm, I should just stop.  But I decided to try and do a little more.  Before I knew it, things seemed to get easier.  Not easy, but easier.  I finished my half mile, and began to wonder how often I give in to temptations to sin like I almost gave in to the temptation to stop short of a half mile swim.  How many times do we give in just before it's about to get easier? 

When we get tired, we tend to get sloppy.  When teaching swimming lessons, the first part of the lesson usually focuses on getting the details right - how to cup your hand, what path to pull your arm, how to kick your feet.  It's important to practice and focus on these before you get tired, so that (hopefully) as you get tired you will still do them correctly.  We, or at least I, tend to get sloppy with my strokes as I get more tired.  I don't focus so well, and so my kick gets ragged, my arms flail, and I don't hold my had in the best position.  Consequently, I waste energy and don't go as fast as I could. 

Similarly, when I get tired, I tend to have more difficulty with sin.  Most obvious to me, I get angry more quickly, and tend to snap at people for little things that normally wouldn't bother me.  Just ask Rachel - I tell her "Daddy's tired, do you know what that means?" and she says "It means I may get in trouble for stuff that's normally OK, so I should be extra good." 

Less obvious, but perhaps more important, I tend to give in to temptations more.  Areas that I struggle with become more of a problem when I am tired.  I make poor choices and don't always follow through with disciplines that I have developed to keep me away from past sinful behaviors.  It just reinforces the need for me to develop good, Godly habits when I'm not tired, so that when I am tired I don't tend to deviate from them.

Motivation... where have you gone?

Haven't posted for a few days, partly because Zoe has been sick and partly because I haven't known what to post about.  Grieving for mom has been very different than grieving for Michell was, which shouldn't surprise me.  I think the biggest issue I am having since losing mom is a total lack of motivation to do... well... almost anything.

In general, I'm a fairly lazy person, and at best a crisis-centric, last-minute worker.  "Never put off to tomorrow what can be put off to next week," I say.  But I still do (usually) get things done.  I may not pick the best times (note the near midnight timestamp on this post), and I frequently stop at "good enough" rather than working all the way to "done", but I do eventually get stuff done.  But right now, I'm just not motivated to do anything.

This happened before, right after Michell died.  Then, I chalked it up to being tired from all the new responsibilities I had to deal with.  But now, I am beginning to recognize it as an expression of my grief.  Michell used to have a list (an extremely detailed, never ending list, but I digress) of things for us to work on, and when she was gone I was without a clue about what I should be doing - especially after the kids were in bed.

As I slowly got back into doing things each evening, my mom became the person that I would call to tell of tasks completed.  Talking about those things with her seemed to give them more meaning, and that is now lost.  I mean, really, who can I call to tell them that I got the laundry put away?  Not exactly noteworthy...

And so, for the past few weeks, I have simply been sitting down each evening and doing nothing.  "I just sit, sit, sit, sit.  And I do not like it, not one little bit."  Or maybe I do like it... just a little.  I just don't like the sink full of dishes, or the Christmas decorations still out, or... or... or...

And the lack of motivation does not limit itself to household tasks, it also seems to impact my social life (or lack thereof).  I was in the habit of going to lunch with friends fairly often, and haven't recently.  I haven't looked for a place to watch the Superbowl yet, because I'm just not motivated to go.

Fortunately, I know it's not permanent.  I am a social creature, and will eventually want to get out again.  I will find motivation to get things done around the house again.  I will not let grief become depression, nor will I allow it to become an ever-present excuse.  But at this moment, motivation is missing. 

Funny thing is, I never saw my mom have a lack of motivation.  She worked all day every day getting things done.  When I had big things to do, I would often call and ask for her help, not because I really needed help doing, but because I needed her "let's keep working until it's done" attitude.  Ironic, isn't it.  I'm grieving my "workaholic" mother by being a "lazy-bum" son.