Deep Thoughts... on Loneliness

First of all, for those who haven't heard, my surgery went well. My recovery, however, has been slower than expected. I am still only up for workdays of 5-6 hours, and can't do much after that because of tiredness. I keep praying that things will get better, and trust God to complete my healing quickly.

During this time, I've been thinking lots about loneliness. If loneliness is not knowing anyone, then there is no way I could be lonely. I know tons of people - see some daily, some weekly, and some less often - but not a day goes by that I don't see or talk to people I know.

But what if that's not what loneliness is? What if loneliness isn't about how many people you know, but rather is about wether you know people well. As I look at myself, and the people I know, most of my relationships are very shallow. The worst part - it's my fault.

You see, I've had these impedences to forming deep relationships: first, I was grieving Michell's death, there was discomfort with friends who didn't know what to say, or there was discomfort because my friends were couples and I wasn't anymore, then I was adjusting to being a single parent, and I have to be at home to put my kids to bed, and I don't want to leave my kids with a sitter too often, and... and... and...

But now, I wonder if my impedences are starting to become exscuses. Yes, it's true, I am a single parent. I need to spend time with my kids, and I need to get them in bed at a reasonable time. No issue - but what am I doing to build relationships? Am I using the time that I do have? As I evaluate myself, I find that I am not.

So, how do I change? Well, I've started with this honest evaluation of myself, and coupled what I found with prayer. In an email devotion I read today, it talked about connecting your desires with your prayers - that we need to intentionally pray for the things we desire - so I am now praying specifically that I will look for and schedule events that allow me to build deeper friendships.

Is it going to be easy? No, probably not. Even as I shed the exscuses, I still have the impedences - many are real and must be addressed. The times I have available are limited, and you can't form lasting relationship with a long history overnight. Also, I'm not a college student anymore - I am not in a culture of people searching for new friendships, rather I am in a culture where most people have a good set of friends and don't feel the need to search for more.

What I do know is that it will be worth it. Why? Because God made us for fellowship - both with Him and with each other. As I get to know others better, I will get new glimplses of my Creator, and nothing could be more desirable than that.

Coming Up Next: Steven's Colostomy Takedown

Yep, that's right. I'm about ready to get rid of the bag! For those who haven't been following along, last November I had emergency surgery for a ruptured colon, resulting in a temporary colostomy. If you don't know that word (PG content ahead), it means they disconnected my large intestine from my colon and poked the end of my intestines out my belly. I have a bag essentially taped to my belly that my poop pours into, and that I have to empty regularly to prevent blowouts.

So, my colon is healed now, and I am going back for a surgery to reconnect my intestine to my colon. After my recovery (4-7 days in the hospital, ~2 weeks at home, no lifing for 4-6 weeks) I should be good as new, and able to do anything I could do before.

I just got a call from the hospital, and I have to report tomorrow at 6:30 AM, which is earlier than I hoped. (I don't get up until 7am most days, so this is early for me). I'm watching my kids eat dinner at my parent's tonight (I say watching because I'm restricted to clear liquids today) and then leaving around their bedtimes to go for prayer at a friend's house.

So, there will probably be another long post lag, but I trust God that it will all be good news on the other side!