Long Time, No Post...

Wow, it’s been over 2 weeks since I last posted. Lots has happened since then, and some of it good. Zoe’s been sick twice, I’ve been sick once, and Rachel has too. But we’re all better now (though Rachel & I are still on our antibiotics). But the best news of all is that Zoe is sleeping better.

Seems odd to think of it, but she’s now on 2 allergy medicines every day. She had been the queen of nasal drip, but now things are getting better. And last night, she slept from 9:30 pm to 6:45 am. I woke up and praised God – after a full 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep!

There’s no way I could write everything that’s happened, but just know that there have been some very good moments (like this morning) and some very bad ones (like the visit to the graveyard after they installed the grave marker). In all, the good days are getting better and more frequent, but (at least it seems like) the bad days are getting worse, though they happen less often.

Maybe now I can get back to more regular posting.

Conference call

Went to a conference this week – Sunday-Tuesday in Memphis – and the girls stayed here in Cookeville. It was good, having a chance to be away for two days. I still didn’t sleep very well, but I think that’s just a stage I am in right now. The girls did great (Zoe did better for Sherri than she does for me – maybe I should go out of town more often), so no worries there. And I think this short trip will make it easier for me to go to later conferences that are longer and further away.

Had a really bad moment on the trip, though. I had finished my sessions for the afternoon around 4:30, with nothing left to do before dinner at 6:30. As I walked out of the conference center to cross the street to my hotel, I pulled out my phone and started to call Michell. You see, that’s what I always did at conferences – when I got a break, I called Michell. It was always so good to talk with her.

As I stared at the phone, the reality of her death came crashing in again. It was all I could do to keep from just dropping to the ground. I cried as I walked back to my hotel room, and kept crying when I got there. I miss her so much.

Later that evening at dinner, I saw a few attendees who had brought their families along. That was our plan, too. When the girls were old enough, they would all come along – or, sometimes we would find places for them to stay so that Michell and I could go together. Now, neither can happen. I can’t take the girls, because I can’t watch them during the conference, and Michell isn’t here to go with me anymore.

Going to conferences is part of my job – a part I usually enjoy. Overall, this one was ok, and I hope that in the future I am able to enjoy them more fully. My next on is in July, and it’s usually a very good conference. And God will help me – I know He will.

I experienced great kindness today – from a totally unexpected source. I was in Wal-Mart, getting some groceries, and I went by the portrait studio to cancel an appointment I had made. Rachel got her school pictures, and they were good, so I decided to keep those as her birthday portraits.

The manager there, Emily, has taken most of our pictures since we moved to Cookeville. Michell would regularly stop and talk with her when she walked by the studio, and apparently she made another connection. Emily recently told me she was moving to Knoxville, and I had told her about Michell’s death.

When I told her I was canceling the appointment, she said she had something for me. She handed me an envelope with something I never expected. She had gone back and re-printed some pictures that Michell and I didn’t buy, and gave them to me. When I saw them, I started to cry. It was all I could do to say “thank you” before I had to walk away.

I pulled them out again in the car, and started crying uncontrollably. I sat in the parking lot and cried, and I kept crying all the way home. I thought I was through most of the overwhelming pain, but the pictures brought my loss crashing back – pictures of Michell and the girls, of our whole family, of Michell and I together. We were taking a picture of the two of us to hang in our bedroom – I think one of them is up there, in a frame, waiting for me to find. I’m afraid to find it.

For now, looking at these pictures brings me terrible pain. She still looks just the way I remember – so vibrant, so beautiful, a loving wife and caring mother. I think about how much I miss her, about how much the girls will miss because she won’t be here to love them and care for them, and about how alone I feel without her.

Yet I am so very thankful for this unexpected blessing. I have a few copies of each to share with family and keep for the girls. And because I know someday I will be able to look at them, not with pain, but with joy.