Moving Forward

Once again, I have let quite a long time pass between posts. Fortunately, this time it’s because things have been generally going well.

Zoe is sleeping better – for the past several nights she has only gotten up once per night, Rachel has settled back into school – yes, Putnam County schools are starting Week 4 on Monday, and I … well, I’m really far behind.

You see, all summer long I have focused my work attention on my research project for TDOT. It’s gone fairly well, but because it didn’t get the attention it deserved back in January-April, it was way behind. Well, now it’s about caught back up to where it needs to be, but now the summer is almost over for me (classes start the 25th) and I haven’t done squat to get ready for class yet.

Not that this is unusual – it seems like it happens every summer. I have great plans, and very little gets accomplished until the week before class starts. So, hopefully I’ll get bunches of work done in the next 7 days.

On the home front, things are also behind where I wanted to be. I had planned to take a day each week and work on the house. For the most part, the house still reflects Michell much more than it does me – she was the collector and the decorator. Don’t get me wrong, I was not upset (in fact enjoyed) the way that she displayed her collections around the house, but for the past few months I have been wanting to make the houise a little more reflective of our new family life – which means more reflective of me.

I do have some plans (lots of plans, very little time or energy to carry them out). My first goal is to do a makeover in the downstairs family room. Dad is going to help me build some bookcases that will match the built-in desk, and I’ve bought a new TV stand and plan to make some matching shelves.

The difficult thing is deciding what to do with the things that were “ours”. The things that were mine, for example my turtle collection, are simple. The things that were hers, for example her porcelain dolls, are reasonably simple – I will keep a few to pass on to Rachel and Zoe, and ask Michell’s family about the rest. But the stuff that was ours – like our collection of playing cards from our trips – these are the hardest to decide what to do with. Do I keep them? Do I display them? How? Where? Are they a permanent fixture? Or can they be taken down if, at some future time, I begin to date or even remary?

In the end, I think I’m going to have a lot of boxes full of stuff in the garage. I feel bad for Rachel and Zoe for when they eventually have to go through them all and decide what to do with the stuff I didn’t know what to do with.

Bad Dad - again.

There are times I am convinced I am a horrible parent. It’s going on half-past midnight, and this is one of those times.

It’s been a stressful weekend – Zoe has been very fussy, and I don’t really know why. Both yesterday morning and this morning, it was a constant struggle to get her to stop fussing – she would scream and fuss over nothing, then after 20 minutes would want to do what you were offering her in the first place.

I’ve also not slept well the past two nights, so I know I am tired on top of all the stress I am feeling from the weekend, but still I should be able to handle my children and not lose my temper, shouldn’t I?

Zoe still isn’t sleeping well. About 10:40, she woke up, took some milk, and went back to bed… for about 10 minutes. From then until 11:40, it was up and down every few minutes, and my stress level went through the roof. I had gone to bed early because I knew I was tired, but it didn’t help because Zoe would not let me sleep.

At 11:45 she kept asking for more milk, which I didn’t really want to give since she just had some an hour before, but I finally was so overcome with frustration that I got her some. After giving her some time to drink it, and her telling me she was finished, I put her back in bed and started to leave. I hadn’t taken two steps toward the door when she started to scream at the top of her lungs about the milk.

I lost my temper. I threw the cup. Not at her – but at her crib. I know I would never throw anything at her, but I threw the cup at the crib to vent my anger.

Problem is, the cup was only plastic, and it broke. It threw milk all over her and her crib, and it terrified her.

How could I let my temper get away from me like that? What kind of parent could do something that would terrify their own child – and only a toddler at that?

I loved on her for a while, until her tears subsided, then cleaned up the mess. I loved on her some more, until my tears subsided, and asked her to forgive me. I know she doesn’t understand, but she nodded her head yes, and it does make me feel better.

After a while, I put her in bed, went into my room and cried some more. I asked God to forgive me, and I know He has.

I know I do a lot of things well as a parent – at least I think I do. But at times like this, I really miss Michell. Not just for the help she gave, but for forgiveness that Zoe doesn’t know how to give.

I have to quit now, Zoe just started crying again, so I need to go try and be the parent God wants me to be.

I pray that He helps me.