Bad Dad - again.

There are times I am convinced I am a horrible parent. It’s going on half-past midnight, and this is one of those times.

It’s been a stressful weekend – Zoe has been very fussy, and I don’t really know why. Both yesterday morning and this morning, it was a constant struggle to get her to stop fussing – she would scream and fuss over nothing, then after 20 minutes would want to do what you were offering her in the first place.

I’ve also not slept well the past two nights, so I know I am tired on top of all the stress I am feeling from the weekend, but still I should be able to handle my children and not lose my temper, shouldn’t I?

Zoe still isn’t sleeping well. About 10:40, she woke up, took some milk, and went back to bed… for about 10 minutes. From then until 11:40, it was up and down every few minutes, and my stress level went through the roof. I had gone to bed early because I knew I was tired, but it didn’t help because Zoe would not let me sleep.

At 11:45 she kept asking for more milk, which I didn’t really want to give since she just had some an hour before, but I finally was so overcome with frustration that I got her some. After giving her some time to drink it, and her telling me she was finished, I put her back in bed and started to leave. I hadn’t taken two steps toward the door when she started to scream at the top of her lungs about the milk.

I lost my temper. I threw the cup. Not at her – but at her crib. I know I would never throw anything at her, but I threw the cup at the crib to vent my anger.

Problem is, the cup was only plastic, and it broke. It threw milk all over her and her crib, and it terrified her.

How could I let my temper get away from me like that? What kind of parent could do something that would terrify their own child – and only a toddler at that?

I loved on her for a while, until her tears subsided, then cleaned up the mess. I loved on her some more, until my tears subsided, and asked her to forgive me. I know she doesn’t understand, but she nodded her head yes, and it does make me feel better.

After a while, I put her in bed, went into my room and cried some more. I asked God to forgive me, and I know He has.

I know I do a lot of things well as a parent – at least I think I do. But at times like this, I really miss Michell. Not just for the help she gave, but for forgiveness that Zoe doesn’t know how to give.

I have to quit now, Zoe just started crying again, so I need to go try and be the parent God wants me to be.

I pray that He helps me.