On the outside looking in... by choice!

I knew I wanted to post about this on Monday night, but I've spent most of the week trying to figure out how to write it without making it sound like I'm looking for pity or having a "woe is me" moment. I'm not. I'm perfectly ok with what I'm about to describe. Why? RAFO! (read and find out!)

Went to a cookout on Monday night with my Bible study group, and took the girls with me. Got there pretty much on time, though I was one of the last to arrive, and began to feel like I was on the outside looking in.

Have you ever felt that way - you're at a meeting or function or event, and you just don't fit in with the group? They can be good people, people you know and like, but still something seems to separate you from them... and keeps you from feeling like you are part of the group. I find this happening to me fairly often these days, so you're not the only one.

After prayer, most of the group got food and went to the large room to sit, talk, and eat. We got our food, and had to stay in the kitchen. Why? Because the other room was too loud and full of strangers for Zoe. She was clinging to me from the moment we arrived, because she had never been to this place and didn't know most of the people there. So there I was, separated from the group... and I'm not just talking about the physical separation of being in different rooms, but I was the only one there with young children, so I was socially separated as well.

I did get to talk some... the hostess was gracious and stayed with me to talk while I ate, and then another late arriver sat and ate with us as well. Zoe eventually warmed up a little (now that the room was mostly empty and quiet) and went to pet the dog (getting about 10 feet away from me at times).

I knew ahead of time that I could only stay for about an hour because of the girls' bedtimes, and by the time I finished eating and had a short conversation, it was time to go. I passed through the big room where everyone was enjoying themselves on the way out, and Zoe again clung to me as we went. Had a short conversation on the way to the door, and then was in the car to head home.

I said at the beginning that I'm perfectly fine with all this, but at that moment, right when I was leaving, I'll admit that I really wasn't ok with it. At that moment I was frustrated that I couldn't be part of the big group, I was frustrated that my friends hadn't made an effort to come and talk to me, and I was frustrated that I had to leave so early. But all those frustrations were wrong.

On the way home, God touched me and prompted me to ask myself why I was frustrated. I knew what to expect before I even got there - I knew I had to leave early, I knew that I would have to be "apart" because I would be taking care of my girls, and I knew that everyone else would be focused on socializing and would be unlikely to seek me out as I did so. So why was I frustrated? Because I momentarily forgot my own priorities and let selfishness (i.e. sin) creep in.

I could have gotten a sitter, then that time could have been about me. But I chose - did you hear that? "I chose" - to take my girls with me. And as soon as I made that choice, it meant that my resposibility was to them before me. As I got this dose of Godly perspective, I realized that the evening had been great. I got to go to the party, got to show off my girls a little (love that!), and even if I let selfishness in for a few minutes, God helped me kick it to the curb before I got back home.

So, upon further reflection, I had a great night. It capped off a great holiday weekend (Cane Creek, Fall Creek Falls, Ragland Bottom, the Hajdiks, and the cookout... wshew!) full of quality time for me and my girls. And when I feel like I'm on the outside looking in again, I'll just pull out my priority list and remind myself that I've chosen this life, chosen to be true to God's call on me as a parent, and I'll be perfectly ok with it. Because the blessings of being a daddy are way too good to miss!

Not "Bad Dad", Just "Tired Dad", and He's Not Such a Bad Dad

I've spent the last two days as "Tired Dad." If you've read my posts for a while, you know that I am very open about the fact that I sometimes become "Bad Dad" and treat my kids in ways that I am ashamed of. I know it happens to all of us (partly because several of you have told me that it happens to you), but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Being "Tired Dad" isn't as bad as being "Bad Dad" - I could stick in a joke about "Tired Dad" being "Bad Dad Light"... with 1/3rd less guilt than regular bad dad, but I won't. However, being "Tired Dad" is still an issue that I want to work on. Maybe you've been "Tired Dad" and can let me know the things that help you...

"Tired Dad" has some issues. For one, he tends to be a bit unpredictable - especially on discipline. Behaviors from my kids that would normally get ignored become problems, and minor problems can quickly result in spankings. Fortunately, I have learned to recognize when "Tired Dad" is in the house, and I when I tell Rachel that I'm tired, she knows to respond that it means I'm grumpy. Zoe isn't old enough to process this yet, but at least Rachel gets some warning.

Less noticed by others, but very obvious to me, is the fact that "Tired Dad" looks at time from the end to the beginning. (you ask "He does what?!?") I'm glad you asked that. "Tired Dad" tends to always think of how long it is before he gets a break - i.e. "bedtime is in 3 hours... how can I get us through the next 3 hours?" While this is probably a normal mechanism, it often means that I settle for less - I don't give my kids the attention they want, I'm more likely to let them watch TV, and I even find myself asking them to go play in their rooms while I am somewhere else in the house.

As noted, this is much better behavior than "Bad Dad", but I still find myself thinking later that I missed opportunities to be with my kids, instead of just around them. I also don't want this to become a norm in my life - I want to try and work through it and get better.

One good thing about "Tired Dad" is that he has learned a counter-intuitive lesson. One of the best things that "Tired Dad" can do is organize an activity. One of my favorites is the "invite another family to come play" maneuver. For the cost of three pizzas, I can invite others to come to the house. While for some this injection of others would be tiring, I am a very social person and find it energizing to have company at the house. Not to mention that having more kids around tends to reduce my kid's need for my devoted attention, so I get a partial break without feeling like I've deprived them.

My other favorite is the "go do something at a big place" maneuver. The Cookeville Children's Museum is a great destination, and has tons of things for them to do. But even when it's closed (which is often), something as simple as WalMart or Sams can really change up the pace.

Again, counter-intuitive (I have to watch my kids in the store? and that's supposed to take less energy than at home? are you CRAZY?!?), but it really does help. There's travel to-and-fro, with singing (we always sing in the car). There's time in the store - each one gets to "help" with different things, and they're used to strict behavior rules at the store, so there are fewer discipline issues. Maybe it won't work for you, but it works for me.

Well, "Tired Dad" is wrapping up so he can be in bed on time (11pm) and get some sleep. But even though "Tired Dad" was with me all weekend, he did a pretty good job of pushing through and loving his kids really well. All in all, I'm proud of "Tired Dad" instead of ashamed. And that's a good thing.

Three strands...

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 (New International Version)

Life has taken on a new joy recently. You would think the opposite, after recent events. For those who've not been following along, the past 18 months have not been the kind of journey that you would expect to come out of with great joy. My wife passed away (Dec 2007), I had emergency surgery for a ruptured colon (Nov 2008), I had a follow-up surgery (Mar 2009), and then a surprise additional surgery to remove my gall bladder (Apr 2009).

What then, is the difference? How have I been able to not only survive grief, pain, and life on the "DL" (disabled list)? No doubt in my mind, the answer is God. He has carried me, sheltered me, comforted me, and lifted me up. The glory goes to Him and Him alone, because without Him, I would probably be a tangled wreck.

So what's happened here recently to allow my joy to become more complete? Two words: three strands. Ok, maybe I need more than two words to help you understand. So let's try a paragraph or two...

The verse at the top of the post is frequently used to talk about the strength that comes in a Godly marriage - the three strands are God, husband, and wife. When fully united, this trio becomes an unshakable, unstoppable force. But I'm not married anymore... so at best I'm back to two strands, right?

In a word, no. God's plan is always big enough - bigger than the Devil's attempts to mess it up. It's true, I don't have a wife - no constant companion with whom to unite in Christ and form the three-strand cord, but I do have friends. Check back through my posts, and you'll find one on loneliness. I went through a brief period of feeling totally disconnected from others, and had to realize what was happening and take charge of what I was (or, in this case, wasn't) doing.

I am now working hard to build relationships with friends, and in the process I am finding that my good friends can step in and be another strand in the cord of my life - not one of them for all things, but a "network of shared responsibility" that God is building around me. I just have to remember that I am the initiator of contact for the network - I have to keep building the relationships that form it. So I am.

If you're not a single parent, then you probably don't understand how difficult this road is to travel. I know that I was clueless before - I thought I could imagine it, but I was so wrong. That road is made more difficult by the very commitment to be a good parent - those responsibilities make it harder to find the time to develop the "network" I mentioned above. It's taken me almost 18 months just to realize some of the things I need, and to diligently pursue them.

I've shifted the focus here a bit, and maybe muddied the water, so let me summarize what I hope you're getting out of this. For one, God is awesome. He has and will continue to take great care of me, and I thank Him for all He has done. He has made me glad!

For another, if you're in my network - be it in what you think of as a "small" or "large" role, I pray that He blesses you 100-fold for the blessing you are to me. I might be able to survive without my network, but having it is allowing me to thrive, not just survive. I look forward to continuing to build our friendships.

And finally, on a bit of a tangent, if you know a single parent (and I think almost everyone does), prayerfully consider making time in your schedule to get to know them better. All you have to do is give an invitation and open yourself to having another friend. Who knows, God may be able to use you in their network, and that is Kingdom work for sure.