A visit, an anniversary, and a legacy

Just finished a great visit from some even greater friends. Thanks again to the Grouse clan for trekking over to Tennessee to visit us. They couldn’t have come at a better time. Why? Because this was my anniversary weekend. Saturday would have been 11 years married for Michell and I, if she were still alive.

Lots has been happening in my life lately – mostly good things – and the past two weekends have really helped me to process it. First was the retreat, and then this weekeind staying up late talking with friends about what God is doing in my life.

On the retreat, we talked about the gifts God has placed in your life and how you are using them. Through some of the discussions that weekend, a new vision for ministry began to crystallize in my life. Nothing extraordinary, no flash of lightning or anything like that, but I have felt like I’ve been adrift, waiting for God to give me a direction for months now.

For one, I think it’s time to start having more friends to the house again. For a time, I’ve been feeling a bit like a stranger in my own house – Michell was the decorator and collector, so her stuff is still everywhere. The house still reflects her more than me. I love having people over, but I guess I was worried about people seeing her house instead of mine, but I just have to get over that, and know that the house will continue to change and evolve over time – just like it would change and evolve if Michell was still alive – and that over time, it will become more indicative of me when I am able to put away some of her things.

For another, I have a new direction of helping to develop leaders within the church. I’ve had the benefit of leadership training on several occasions, and now I’m going to start putting together a class on leadership with an emphasis on connecting business (secular) leadership principles with Biblical principles, because there is great overlap between the two. I’m excited about where this could go.

There’s also been some pain in my life lately. I wrote about my overwhelming grief moment at the retreat already, and today I had another two such moments as well. I should have expected both of them, but they managed to catch me by surprise. The first was after the Grouses left – we had breakfast together – and when I was driving away from the restaurant, I just started to cry. I think in the moments after good friends come to visit, it sinks in how it would have been if Michell was there with us. That brings back my longing to see her, touch her, and just be with her, and my grief swells up to the top.

The other happened a few minutes ago when I was reading a magazine article. It was about a couple who passed on a legacy of money to dozens of their friends when they passed away. In the article, it talked about how they were still holding hands in their 90s, and that their marriage was a testimony. That’s something Michell and I talked about often – we didn’t just want to be married, or even to just stay married. We wanted to be an example of what marriage should be – loving, caring, vibrant, and God-centered. We talked about being married for 50 years, and how important it was to us to create that legacy. It wasn’t good enough to exist together for that time, we wanted to grow together and in God for that time. 10 years just isn’t what we wanted. I cried so much that I had to stop reading the article several times to collect myself before I could go on.

I think having friends over helped to mask some of the pain of my anniversary coming and going, but reading that article brought it all back to the forefront. We deserved more than 10 years. You know, I just wrote “She deserved more” and erased it. She’s in heaven, getting more than I could ever offer her here on earth. Even if I could be the perfect husband (which I can’t) and Rachel and Zoe could be perfect children (which of course they are, except on days whose names end in “y”), there is no way that life here could match life in heaven. I think I’m really just feeling a little selfish, and wanting her back for me, because whether I deserve it or not, I wanted more. Still want more.

The other, smaller pain has been the realization that I am not ready for a dating relationship yet. Again, this should not be a surprise, but it was. Just a few weeks ago, I was posting about meeting someone and developing a friendship that might lead to a dating relationship. It still might, but I know now that I have a much longer road ahead of me before my heart and my head will be ready to take those kinds of steps. We’re still friends, and plan to continue to do things together, but my attitude about the relationship is definitely different now than it was a few weeks ago.

Oh, and the “ring” part in the title. I still notice that my wedding ring isn’t on my finger. I notice it when I drive, when I go to sleep, when I wake up. It’s funny, I remember when we first got married that I would notice it was there all the time. Then I guess I got so used to it being on that I forgot about it. Now it’s been off for months, and I still notice that it’s missing. Just like today – Michell has been gone for almost a year – and I still notice she’s gone.

Psalm 6:3 - My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?
Psalm 13:2 - How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?

Another Perfect Day

I should have posted several things before now - I had some dreams about Michell that I wanted to post about; my anniversary is approaching and suddenly I am noticing that my wedding ring isn’t on my finger again; and then there’s the story about dad, Zoe, and the grapes that makes me laugh just thinking about it, but none of those have made it to the blog.

What is making it to the blog, however, is the moment of overwhelming grief that I had last night. I’m on a retreat – the single’s group at church has one ever fall, and I thought I was ok to come. We’re talking about gifts, and started the weekend by watching the movie “The Ultimate Gift” with James Garner (yep, from the Rockford Files).

During the movie, we meet a little girl who is dying from leukemia. She gets asked what was the gift she wanted more than anything, and she replies “The perfect day – a day spent with the people who love me, and who love each other.”

They ran that scene again during the credits. I had to leave the room for a few minutes, overwhelmed by how much I still miss Michell. Overwhelmed at the thought of having just one more day with her. We could do anything – even housework – and it would be a perfect day. Just because she would be there.

I’ve wondered all along if I was really ready to come to this retreat. I’m still not sure I am. I’ve wondered about where I’m really at. I don’t think I’ve had an overwhelming moment in months – and not many little moments either. Form talking to others and reading, I understand that I will never get “over” losing my wife, I will just get used to living without her.

If you're reading this, please realize that any day can be that “perfect day” – it’s not about what you do, it’s about who you are with.

A long overdue posting...

This time, it hasn’t just been business that has kept me from posting. I’ve been wondering when to start talking about something new that’s happening in my life. I’m not superstitious – I don’t think that talking about it will cause it to end – but I do wonder at times how everyone will react.

I’ve started hanging out a lot with a young lady I met in the singles group at church. We’re not calling it dating, but I can see it leading to that in the future. We’re trying to be very careful as we move forward. We both have issues from our past, and our past experiences are very different, so we want to be sure that we have cemented our friendship so that nothing that might happen later would ever drive us completely apart.

We’ve been getting good advice from friends; most seem excited for both of us, but warn us to proceed very slowly and with great caution. We’re trying our best to follow that advice.

To be honest, I think I have been the most surprised about my desire to pursue a relationship at this point. I worried that people would think I was dishonoring Michell, that it was too soon for me to start thinking about dating again (and as I said, we’re not dating at this point, just talking about it as a potential future).

But if you’ve been following my posts, you’ll remember from a few months back that I went through a period when I would be driving around town, in tears as I was apologizing out loud to Michell because I knew that I was moving on with my life. As I moved through that experience, I think it freed my heart and my head to the possibility of starting a new relationship, and if this one has God’s blessing, He will continue to reveal that to us over time.

For those who are wondering, she is a divorcee, and she has a beautiful 2-year old daughter. And yes, that makes me greatly outnumbered when we all get together. Somehow, I just don’t mind.