I've been feeling a bit out of place in my own house lately. Why? Because in many ways, it's still more Michell's house than mine. At least, the decorating is. I don't know how it is in your house, but I was never overly concerned about what kinds of decorations were up, I was much more concerned that things function well. As a result, Michell did most of the decorating... and since she was a collector, her collections are still everywhere.
Since her death, I have gone through many stages of re-establishing myself as a "single" instead of part of a couple. One of the slowest has been transforming the house to reflect "me" rather than "us". Essentially, there are 3 major steps to making such a change - 1) I have to be emotionally ready to move/remove things, 2) I have to know what's going to replace the things I move/remove, and 3) I have to have the time & energy to move/remove and set up new things.
In the beginning, the emotional issues were the worst. Later, I got to the point where I was emotionally ready, but didn't know what to put in what would otherwise be empty spots. This is a bigger problem than you might think - I know because I cleaned off the upstairs entertainment center and it sat disturbingly empty for many months, and has slowly accumulated random items via the "horizontal curse". I'm still frustrated about that space, and I still don't know what I'm eventually going to put there.
Now, however, the biggest issue centers around time & energy. As a single parent, I rarely have the large blocks of time required to lovingly pack away one of Michell's collections and replace it with something that's more about me. Worse is the fact that it's rarely one thing that needs to change - I have started some work this summer that spiraled into about 4 projects - you know... move A to B so that C can move to A so that D can get shifted closer to where C used to be and... and... and...
There's also an odd emotional issue that's coming around. While I am ready for things to move (in fact, I'm getting very mildly frustrated at my own slow progress), I would really like to sit down and talk about the things I'm moving/removing. Rachel and Zoe aren't old enough to appreciate (or endure) such conversations, and there's no one else to share with. Part of me is worried that the stories will be forgotten, leaving me with boxes of random stuff instead of boxes of meaningful connections. Other than waiting for Rachel and Zoe to be teenagers, I don't know how to solve this one, so I'm just having to move on despite the discomfort.
I am, however, slowly making progress. Curious? Good! because I wanted to share. Below is a picture of a project I finished today. Started it before school let out last spring, but it's finally finished! What is it? A new display area for my playing card collection. I have cards from work trips, from my mom's travel to other countries, from personal vacations, from vacations with Michell, and in the center are the cards from family vacations (before and after Michell's death). There are also some random "for fun" decks tucked in to fill out the display. Here's Rachel showing off the display:
In case you're keeping score on how one project creates another... the new display is in the dining room above the craft table. Putting up this display required moving Michell's bridal portrait, which now has a new home in the living room, which required removing the curio cabinet to make room for the portrait, which required getting (and assembling) a new shelf to hold a few key items from the curio cabinet, which required shifting some furniture to make room for the new shelf. I also have a collection of other items from the curio cabinet removal which still need to be packed away.
So, if you've bee worried because the house still seems more hers than mine, just keep giving me time. I have big plans for the kitchen (model train!), but it may take a while...
