Busy weekend behind, busy week ahead

Haven’t posted in a few days, though a lot has been happening. I never did get started on the detailed description of events surrounding Michell’s death. I don’t know why, really, I had a few nights when I could have sat down and done it. Maybe I still just don’t want to.

This weekend was eventful. I got to take Rachel to the Daddy-Daughter Dance here in Cookeville. Some friends from church took Rachel with their daughters to get her hair and nails done, and she looked fabulous. I’ll post pictures soon, but for now I’m leaving them in the camera so I can show them to Michell’s parents when I visit.

That’s right – this Saturday, we’re traveling to NC for a visit with Granny & Papa Williams. I don’t know how I’m going to react when I’m there, but I need to go. I have scheduled some times on Monday to meet with the people who couldn’t come to Cookeville for the funeral services, and I think that will be very wearing on me – but I want to get it done and over with, to have some closure.

I’m not sure who is more excited, Rachel or Granny. Every time they talk, they keep getting each other more and more excited. There’s a new swing set waiting for Rachel there in NC, and she is pumped to see it. This week will be busy getting ready – especially early in the week. Rather than drag a bunch of luggage around, I am going to ship our clothes and some other things to NC, and try to only take one bag, one stroller, and one car seat with us to the airport. With the trip, it may be more than a week before I post again.

In terms of tears, the past few days have been tough on me. Michell would have loved getting Rachel ready for the dance – even now I can’t stand the thought of her missing it. Then on Sunday, during worship, so many people came down front to worship – especially the youth – and I could almost see her. Even this morning, with no real stimulus, I was just crying over her – missing her and wanting her back. On the drive in, I held my hand out to the place where we would hold hands when driving – but she wasn’t there. Oh, how I wanted her to be there.

Class in 5 minutes, so I have to go. I need to stop crying so I can teach.

Two more days, and songs that make me cry

It seems strange, two days passing with nothing really hitting me to post about. I had some good times, and some sad times. I had some successes and some failures. But nothing really jumped into my head and said “you should post this – people would care about this.” But things have continued forward in the Click household…

I had lunch with my parents on Monday, and chose a grave marker for Michell. That was strange. There weren’t many options, and yet it seems so important to choose the right thing. The right thing for me, I guess, though I tried to choose what I thought Michell would have liked. Not a major decision, but its made. Right now, going to the gravesite doesn’t do anything for me. I know Michell’s body is buried there, but it’s just an empty shell – she isn’t there. Things may change over time, maybe in the future I will feel closer to her there, but not now.

On a positive note, Zoe seems to be past all her sickness, and is doing much better, including sleeping better. For the past two nights, I have not had to go into her room from bedtime to about 6:30 AM. Last night she fussed a couple of times, but never for more than a minute or two. The night before, she slept through without even fussing enough to wake me up. Consequently, I’m more rested than I have been in a while.

On the sad side, yesterday was a “sad song” day. There were several instances when I would hear a song on the radio, and the words would strike a chord or bring up a memory and I would cry. I remember two in particular…

There’s a new song out by Britt Nicole, “Don’t Worry Now” (video, lyrics), that talks about a young girl whose father dies. Toward the end, the song says:

It's taken so long to let this go, It's taken so long to feel that
You’re right here next to me, And I can finally breathe
It's taken so long but now I know, I had to find out on my own

And I know, and hate, that it is going to take so long to get through this.

There’s also a song out by Steven Curtis Chapman, “Cinderella” (video and lyrics), that got to me even before Michell died, because it’s about the daddy-daughter relationship. When I heard it yesterday, all I could think about was the things Michell was going to miss – and that the girls were going to miss because she’s gone.

While writing this, searching for the video and lyrics, I can’t help but cry again. I miss my Cinderella. There were supposed to be more songs for us.

'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

Michell's midnight came far too soon.

A not-so-deep post

Seems odd to feel like I've not posted in a while, when it's only been 2 days. Today, rather some deep posting, I worked on a new section of the sidebar - scroll down and you will find some links to sites that can help you made a decision to accept Christ as your personal Lord and Savior. If you have questions, send them my way. Or, if you know of other good sites like this, let me know and I will add them.

For the next few days, I will probably be working on a detailed timeline of events leading up to Michell's death. Not that I'm looking forward to reliving that time, but I feel that I owe it to Rachel and Zoe to get it written down in detail before I start to forget the details. Neither of them is old enough to understand most of it now, but as they grow up I am sure they will ask about it, and I want to be able to answer.

Sad thing is, part of me hopes I will forget the details over times, while another part of me is afraid of forgetting. Oops, sorry - I said this wasn't going to be deep...

By the way, Zoe is feeling much better, though she was a very grumpy girl yesterday. If I hadn't been at my parents, I probably wouldn't have any hair left - not that I have much anyway. She went to preschool today, and Rachel visited a friend Elizabeth this morning (school is out for President's Day, though everyone else seems to be working) and is here in my office watching Scooby-Doo on her DVD player right now.

Satin sheets ... that we never used

I was looking through the drawers under the bed today, both to see what was in there and to see if I could free up some space to store some sheets and a blanket. In the process, I found a set of red satin sheets, and lots of pain.

You see, those sheets were never used. Michell bought them before we moved to Cookeville, so they are at least three, and probably more like five or six, years old. But they never made it onto the bed.

Why not? Michell had been saving them for a special occasion, a romantic evening on a bed with satin sheets. What kind of event would be worthy of such special treatment? Not an anniversary, or a new job, or even a new house – we had all those things, and none were special enough for the sheets to be used.

As I look back, I am afraid that what she was waiting for was for me to ask. Every few months we would be looking through those drawers, and she would point them out to me, pointing out how she was looking forward to the night we would, eventually, use them. And every time, I would think the same basic thing, “These feel slick and cold. I don’t think they would be very comfortable. I hope we don’t put them on today.” And we never did.

I think she knew I didn’t want to put them on the bed. I always thought that she would convince me someday, or just put them on when I wasn’t there to surprise me with a romantic evening. Every time we looked at them, I tried to prepare myself to react as well as possible when she eventually did put them on. Never did I think that she would die and leave them unused.

If there’s something you’re saving for sometime, someday, when something happens, or when things are just right… stop waiting. If there's something you know your spouse wants but you're resisting... stop resisting. Trust me, you will never regret the decision to go ahead and do things together.

In truth, I have very few regrets following Michell’s death – mostly because she pushed us to do the things we wanted to do together. We took 10 days in Orlando to ride all the best roller coasters. We took a 7-day Alaska cruise, not on our 15th or 20th anniversary like we first planned, because she got it in her head that we should go ahead and go. And I am so glad we went. I don't regret it for an instant. Even though it was at a lousy time (the summer we moved to Cookeville) and caused lots of stress (is that stuff in the temporary apartment, or in storage?), it was still a great trip. I don't regret it at all.

I only regret the things we never did.

Painful moments, and selfishness

Had a few painful moments today. My late wife's boss brought me the box of things that had been in her office. Mostly pictures, including the one from this year's Christmas card.

I was doing fine with everything until I got to a folded double 5x7 frame. As I pulled it out, I opened it up and found two pictures from our wedding – one of us in dress & tux, and one in the t-shirts we had made for our exit. (see below)

I started to cry. I sat there and cried. I hugged the frame and cried. I said out loud, “Why did she have to go? Why can’t I have her back? I miss you so much. I love you and I want you back.” Even now, hours later, as I remember and type it brings tears to my eyes.

Always when I think about it I come to the same conclusion – wanting her back is selfish. She is standing in the throne room, surrounded by the heavenly host, in the presence of God, who she has (and should have) loved more than me. How can I ask for her to have to give that up to come back to this fallen world. How can anything here compare to there?

This past Sunday, we sang “Arise” in church. The verse begins:

One thing we ask of you,
One thing that we desire
That as we worship you,
Lord, come and change our lives

I couldn’t sing that line. I tried. I just fell down and said honestly to God that right now, the one thing I desire is to have my wife back. I know it won’t happen. I know it is selfish to ask. But it is how I feel. It is what I want.

I wonder, if the choice was really up to me, would I have the courage to tell her to stay there – in the presence of God – or would my selfishness be so strong that I would make her give it all up to come back?

Snow Day becomes Sick Day

I am typing, but should probably be sleeping. Late this afternoon – after I posted the “good day” message – I got a call from Zoe’s preschool saying that she had a fever and was obviously sick. To the doctor’s office we went.

After about an hour wait (no appointment, just first come first served), we got to take both a flu test and an RSV test, and got a positive on the RSV. Now, Rachel is spending the night with Granny & Papa Click, I’m here with Zoe (who is thankfully sleeping), and schools have already been cancelled for tomorrow.

So, since I should be sleeping, I think I will go get started. Pray for us!

Snow Day! (a good day)

Today has been a good day. It started with a good night sleep, because Zoe only got up once, and just for about half an hour. The day did start early, however, as Zoe started coughing around 6am and didn't ever go back to sleep, instead of sleeping until 7am.

But, on the bright side, it is a snow day. My parents kept Rachel for the day, while I taught classes in the morning and did some errands and administrative work in the afternoon. Rachel's had a good time so far, and I doubt that will change.

Also, dinner is handled because, since it's a snow day, my mom invited us to dinner. So, instead of braving the restaurant world with 2 girls, I get the support of my parents during dinner. I don't know if we'll have church or not, but I hope so.

All in all, the snow is a bit of a disappointment - the roads are clear (which is good) but there's not enough snow for sledding (which is bad). I would love to take Rachel sledding today, but it just isn't going to happen -it would be more "dragging" than "sledding", so it almost isn’t worth being called snow.

Today has also been a good day because, so far, I haven't cried from missing my wife. For those who have not been through the death of a spouse, it's not that I don't miss her - I miss her very much - but I haven't been so overwhelmed today that I needed to cry. The past two weeks have been especially hard; with more tears shed than anytime before, but today... today has been a good day.

On the death of my wife, and starting this blog...

As I type, I hurt. I can't believe it took the death of my wife to push me to a place where I would start a blog. But at this moment, I feel like I need an outlet - not only to get my thoughts down, but to have a way to let everyone know how I and my girls are doing.

It seems like a year since her death, it seems like just yesterday she was still alive. Why do... no, the answers to the "Why" questions will only come when we see face to face, and then they won't matter anymore. I loved my wife with reckless abandon - and I know she loved me in return. How can anyone ask for more? God does not promise tomorrow, but He does promise to be with us always. I cling to my late wife's favorite verse...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I don't know how long I will keep this effort up, or what this blog will become. Will I stop after today's first post, or look back after years of regular updates? Will the posts reflect my journey through the grieving process, or be an oversized, public refirgerator for pictures of my daughters? I don't know, and won't until the God calls me home, where I can both see Him, and see her again.