Painful moments, and selfishness

Had a few painful moments today. My late wife's boss brought me the box of things that had been in her office. Mostly pictures, including the one from this year's Christmas card.

I was doing fine with everything until I got to a folded double 5x7 frame. As I pulled it out, I opened it up and found two pictures from our wedding – one of us in dress & tux, and one in the t-shirts we had made for our exit. (see below)

I started to cry. I sat there and cried. I hugged the frame and cried. I said out loud, “Why did she have to go? Why can’t I have her back? I miss you so much. I love you and I want you back.” Even now, hours later, as I remember and type it brings tears to my eyes.

Always when I think about it I come to the same conclusion – wanting her back is selfish. She is standing in the throne room, surrounded by the heavenly host, in the presence of God, who she has (and should have) loved more than me. How can I ask for her to have to give that up to come back to this fallen world. How can anything here compare to there?

This past Sunday, we sang “Arise” in church. The verse begins:

One thing we ask of you,
One thing that we desire
That as we worship you,
Lord, come and change our lives

I couldn’t sing that line. I tried. I just fell down and said honestly to God that right now, the one thing I desire is to have my wife back. I know it won’t happen. I know it is selfish to ask. But it is how I feel. It is what I want.

I wonder, if the choice was really up to me, would I have the courage to tell her to stay there – in the presence of God – or would my selfishness be so strong that I would make her give it all up to come back?