On the outside looking in... by choice!

I knew I wanted to post about this on Monday night, but I've spent most of the week trying to figure out how to write it without making it sound like I'm looking for pity or having a "woe is me" moment. I'm not. I'm perfectly ok with what I'm about to describe. Why? RAFO! (read and find out!)

Went to a cookout on Monday night with my Bible study group, and took the girls with me. Got there pretty much on time, though I was one of the last to arrive, and began to feel like I was on the outside looking in.

Have you ever felt that way - you're at a meeting or function or event, and you just don't fit in with the group? They can be good people, people you know and like, but still something seems to separate you from them... and keeps you from feeling like you are part of the group. I find this happening to me fairly often these days, so you're not the only one.

After prayer, most of the group got food and went to the large room to sit, talk, and eat. We got our food, and had to stay in the kitchen. Why? Because the other room was too loud and full of strangers for Zoe. She was clinging to me from the moment we arrived, because she had never been to this place and didn't know most of the people there. So there I was, separated from the group... and I'm not just talking about the physical separation of being in different rooms, but I was the only one there with young children, so I was socially separated as well.

I did get to talk some... the hostess was gracious and stayed with me to talk while I ate, and then another late arriver sat and ate with us as well. Zoe eventually warmed up a little (now that the room was mostly empty and quiet) and went to pet the dog (getting about 10 feet away from me at times).

I knew ahead of time that I could only stay for about an hour because of the girls' bedtimes, and by the time I finished eating and had a short conversation, it was time to go. I passed through the big room where everyone was enjoying themselves on the way out, and Zoe again clung to me as we went. Had a short conversation on the way to the door, and then was in the car to head home.

I said at the beginning that I'm perfectly fine with all this, but at that moment, right when I was leaving, I'll admit that I really wasn't ok with it. At that moment I was frustrated that I couldn't be part of the big group, I was frustrated that my friends hadn't made an effort to come and talk to me, and I was frustrated that I had to leave so early. But all those frustrations were wrong.

On the way home, God touched me and prompted me to ask myself why I was frustrated. I knew what to expect before I even got there - I knew I had to leave early, I knew that I would have to be "apart" because I would be taking care of my girls, and I knew that everyone else would be focused on socializing and would be unlikely to seek me out as I did so. So why was I frustrated? Because I momentarily forgot my own priorities and let selfishness (i.e. sin) creep in.

I could have gotten a sitter, then that time could have been about me. But I chose - did you hear that? "I chose" - to take my girls with me. And as soon as I made that choice, it meant that my resposibility was to them before me. As I got this dose of Godly perspective, I realized that the evening had been great. I got to go to the party, got to show off my girls a little (love that!), and even if I let selfishness in for a few minutes, God helped me kick it to the curb before I got back home.

So, upon further reflection, I had a great night. It capped off a great holiday weekend (Cane Creek, Fall Creek Falls, Ragland Bottom, the Hajdiks, and the cookout... wshew!) full of quality time for me and my girls. And when I feel like I'm on the outside looking in again, I'll just pull out my priority list and remind myself that I've chosen this life, chosen to be true to God's call on me as a parent, and I'll be perfectly ok with it. Because the blessings of being a daddy are way too good to miss!