So I've made it through another anniversary without Michell. Today would have been 12 years of marriage for the two of us, instead it marks 1 yr 9 months since her death. Funny thing is, the quiesting I've been pondering today is only indirectly related to her death. So, you might ask, what have I been pondering? I've been wondering if it's a good sign or a bad sign that today just seems like any other Sunday.
If you know me well, you know that I not only think about things alot, but I also think about how I think about things alot. (and I even think about the fact that I think about how I think about things alot - I know, scary but true) I know it becomes futile thinking after a while, but it's somthing I've never really been able to stop, and I'm used to it now.
So today, the thing that has made me most upset is the fact that I'm not really upset about the fact that today should have been my 12th anniversary. In my head, I've known it was coming all month, but never really thought about it being a big deal. I know others who have some ritual or plan special activities on dates like this, but today was just a normal Sunday for us.
Now, I'm not one to base my self-worth or self-judgement on the opinions of others, but I am curious to hear what you think about it - is it good or bad that today is just a normal day, with no drama or pain. While thinking about this throughout the day, I've come to the conclusion that I think it's a good thing, but I know I'll keep thinking about it - that's just what I do.
And Michell, as you sit at the feet of Jesus, you already know my feelings better than I know them myself. See you in eternity! Until then, I'll just keep living as God directs me, as best I can.
A Long Weekend Away
12 years ago
6 comments:
Well if I didn't know who was writing about all this thinking I would guess it was Amber because that is how her brain works..LOL... Steven you do amaze me and i think you are doing a great job at everything you do with raising your girls to even dealing with the death of Michelle. The fact that you have even been thinking about it shows that it means something but it shows that your heart is healing. And that is a good thing.
Stephanie
Steven, I agree with Stephanie. Although I haven't loss a spouse, we did lose 2 children, do we still think about them? Sure, but as time passes, so does the pain. It sounds as if you're getting at a good place.
Steven, I agree with the others. You are healing and it is part of the process. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm amazed at your walk in all of this.
I am going to ditto the earlier statements. I have thought about it also and I think it is a good thing for you and the girls. Michell is not helped in any way by you holding on those special days. Only you and God can decide what is healthy sadness and what is not. So, you keep doing what you are doing...it takes nothing away from what Michell meant to you and what she still means to you! Jenn Johnson
I don't think you should feel bad that it seems like a normal day. As time goes by the pain eases but you'll always think about Michell and you'll see her in your daughters. You and Michell laid out your lives for one another and although she's not here now you'll always be surrounded by her. You've done a great job with the girls and with God you'll continue to do a great job. Your heart is mending and your growing as a father, as a christian, as a person. Keep your eyes on the sky and He will keep your heart in His hands. Vicky
After my dad's death, my mom always referred to those type of days (anniversary of marriage, death, or birthday) as just a fact. She never really got teary and stuck in the house---how could she? she had 3 kids to take care of--she just considered it exactly what it was: a date, a fact, perhaps worth mentioning and noting, but not worth drowning in grief over. Your love for her is not less because you did not shut yourself inside and grieve. You will always perhaps remember the date, but just as a fact, not a sadness. Make any sense? Again, that is just going off what I saw in my mom, not from any personal experience, but you appear to be in the wide range of normal on this one :O)
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