I thought this blog was essentially dead. I had pretty much stopped posting here, probably because I didn't have the need for it. Life was going well - joyful and fulfilling. With less struggle, 10-second Facebook posts were more the norm than deep, introspective blog posts. And then...
Most of you alreday know. Mom passed away. One week with her "not feeling good" and then a week in the hospital and then... home to heaven. And the similarities to Michell's death just 3 years ago are overwhelming. Both started out thinking it was just a muscle pull. Both ended up in the hospital with bad bruising and extreme pain. Both diagnosed with leukemia. Neither surviving to start chemo. Both having cerebral hemmorages leading to death. I can still remember telling myself that this time (with mom) was going to be different. Not so much.
Oh, and by the way... Worst. Birthday. Ever. That's right, if you didn't know, mom died on my birthday.
So now I sit at home, and at times the silence is so incredibly LOUD. I can feel how quiet it is. It's opressive. The girls are both in bed, both sleeping well. The TV is off. And I miss calling to talk to my mom. It's one of the things that I started doing right after Michell died - I would call mom every night. I doubt I missed 10 nights in the past 3 years. Recently, the call had moved earlier to right after I got the girls in bed. Last week, it emphasized that mom was in the hospital - she wasn't at home for me to call. Now, that one simple daily phone call seems to stand for all that is wrong with the world today. I can't talk to my mom.
I know it will get better. I've been down this road before. God promises to change mourning into dancing and sorrow into joy... and He does. It's happened in my life over the past 3 years, and I know it will happen again. I know that I will find a new normal... again.
But at this moment, I'm just hearing the overwhelming silence, and wishing I could call my mom.
A Long Weekend Away
12 years ago
6 comments:
Steve, Sofia and I can not express enough our sadness. As I am sure you know, Aliene and I talked about once a week. Her and I had so much in common. I am still not even sure how to approach this. Things like that should just not happen to people like her. Sofia is also devastated for the loss in our family. She knew Aliene from several talks on the phone in Spanish. I am driving up Monday, and I will see you then.
A big hug from both of us.
I sure do love you - we will somehow get through this one... I don't know how but I know it is possible. I am so full of sad that it hurts. Praying that tomorrow is better than today which was less awful than yesterday.
Love you - see you tomorrow.
Steven.. I really do not have the words to say how I feel at this moment and I know you are hurting. Senora Click :) She was simply amazing. I came to know her very well starting my sophomore year of high school, she would always take her joggs and walks around the school building after 3:00 and I would be babysitting for an English teacher I knew prior to high school. She would always take time and come in and just talk... normal talk, she was always concerned about how I was doing and what was going on in my life. The world truly needs more of that today. I will def. miss her and the sunshine that she gave to me each and every time I saw and had the opportunity to see her. I know I will see her again one day, just wish I would have went to see her.. but with College stuff gets busy and I know that she knew that I loved her. By the way she would always talk about how proud she was of you and your daughters & she expressed her love for you to me and many others. Stay Strong Steven! God Bless You, and see you on Tuesday.
Steven: I do not really have anything helpful to say during your pain but I wanted to comment here to let you know I have been reading your blog every time you posted (thanks to my Google Reader!). It looks like your "Do Something Hard" post (which btw encouraged me to suck it up and run my first marathon when I was wanting to back out due to a lack of availability of time to train) is now coming back into play. The hard thing is living life sometimes, finding the new norm, and surviving the silence. My prayers are with you, your girls, and your dad. My Christ sustain you.
I'm so sorry, Steven. :(
Julie
Steven: Words can express how sad we are right now for all of you. You and your sister are a tribute to the woman your mom was. She lives on in the two of you. You will both be there to comfort your father and all of you will gain strength from one another. I ache when I see the tears in my mother's eyes at loosing her best friend but we all know that we will be together rejoicing in Heaven one day. Our love and prayers are with you all.
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