A visit, an anniversary, and a legacy

Just finished a great visit from some even greater friends. Thanks again to the Grouse clan for trekking over to Tennessee to visit us. They couldn’t have come at a better time. Why? Because this was my anniversary weekend. Saturday would have been 11 years married for Michell and I, if she were still alive.

Lots has been happening in my life lately – mostly good things – and the past two weekends have really helped me to process it. First was the retreat, and then this weekeind staying up late talking with friends about what God is doing in my life.

On the retreat, we talked about the gifts God has placed in your life and how you are using them. Through some of the discussions that weekend, a new vision for ministry began to crystallize in my life. Nothing extraordinary, no flash of lightning or anything like that, but I have felt like I’ve been adrift, waiting for God to give me a direction for months now.

For one, I think it’s time to start having more friends to the house again. For a time, I’ve been feeling a bit like a stranger in my own house – Michell was the decorator and collector, so her stuff is still everywhere. The house still reflects her more than me. I love having people over, but I guess I was worried about people seeing her house instead of mine, but I just have to get over that, and know that the house will continue to change and evolve over time – just like it would change and evolve if Michell was still alive – and that over time, it will become more indicative of me when I am able to put away some of her things.

For another, I have a new direction of helping to develop leaders within the church. I’ve had the benefit of leadership training on several occasions, and now I’m going to start putting together a class on leadership with an emphasis on connecting business (secular) leadership principles with Biblical principles, because there is great overlap between the two. I’m excited about where this could go.

There’s also been some pain in my life lately. I wrote about my overwhelming grief moment at the retreat already, and today I had another two such moments as well. I should have expected both of them, but they managed to catch me by surprise. The first was after the Grouses left – we had breakfast together – and when I was driving away from the restaurant, I just started to cry. I think in the moments after good friends come to visit, it sinks in how it would have been if Michell was there with us. That brings back my longing to see her, touch her, and just be with her, and my grief swells up to the top.

The other happened a few minutes ago when I was reading a magazine article. It was about a couple who passed on a legacy of money to dozens of their friends when they passed away. In the article, it talked about how they were still holding hands in their 90s, and that their marriage was a testimony. That’s something Michell and I talked about often – we didn’t just want to be married, or even to just stay married. We wanted to be an example of what marriage should be – loving, caring, vibrant, and God-centered. We talked about being married for 50 years, and how important it was to us to create that legacy. It wasn’t good enough to exist together for that time, we wanted to grow together and in God for that time. 10 years just isn’t what we wanted. I cried so much that I had to stop reading the article several times to collect myself before I could go on.

I think having friends over helped to mask some of the pain of my anniversary coming and going, but reading that article brought it all back to the forefront. We deserved more than 10 years. You know, I just wrote “She deserved more” and erased it. She’s in heaven, getting more than I could ever offer her here on earth. Even if I could be the perfect husband (which I can’t) and Rachel and Zoe could be perfect children (which of course they are, except on days whose names end in “y”), there is no way that life here could match life in heaven. I think I’m really just feeling a little selfish, and wanting her back for me, because whether I deserve it or not, I wanted more. Still want more.

The other, smaller pain has been the realization that I am not ready for a dating relationship yet. Again, this should not be a surprise, but it was. Just a few weeks ago, I was posting about meeting someone and developing a friendship that might lead to a dating relationship. It still might, but I know now that I have a much longer road ahead of me before my heart and my head will be ready to take those kinds of steps. We’re still friends, and plan to continue to do things together, but my attitude about the relationship is definitely different now than it was a few weeks ago.

Oh, and the “ring” part in the title. I still notice that my wedding ring isn’t on my finger. I notice it when I drive, when I go to sleep, when I wake up. It’s funny, I remember when we first got married that I would notice it was there all the time. Then I guess I got so used to it being on that I forgot about it. Now it’s been off for months, and I still notice that it’s missing. Just like today – Michell has been gone for almost a year – and I still notice she’s gone.

Psalm 6:3 - My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?
Psalm 13:2 - How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?

Another Perfect Day

I should have posted several things before now - I had some dreams about Michell that I wanted to post about; my anniversary is approaching and suddenly I am noticing that my wedding ring isn’t on my finger again; and then there’s the story about dad, Zoe, and the grapes that makes me laugh just thinking about it, but none of those have made it to the blog.

What is making it to the blog, however, is the moment of overwhelming grief that I had last night. I’m on a retreat – the single’s group at church has one ever fall, and I thought I was ok to come. We’re talking about gifts, and started the weekend by watching the movie “The Ultimate Gift” with James Garner (yep, from the Rockford Files).

During the movie, we meet a little girl who is dying from leukemia. She gets asked what was the gift she wanted more than anything, and she replies “The perfect day – a day spent with the people who love me, and who love each other.”

They ran that scene again during the credits. I had to leave the room for a few minutes, overwhelmed by how much I still miss Michell. Overwhelmed at the thought of having just one more day with her. We could do anything – even housework – and it would be a perfect day. Just because she would be there.

I’ve wondered all along if I was really ready to come to this retreat. I’m still not sure I am. I’ve wondered about where I’m really at. I don’t think I’ve had an overwhelming moment in months – and not many little moments either. Form talking to others and reading, I understand that I will never get “over” losing my wife, I will just get used to living without her.

If you're reading this, please realize that any day can be that “perfect day” – it’s not about what you do, it’s about who you are with.

A long overdue posting...

This time, it hasn’t just been business that has kept me from posting. I’ve been wondering when to start talking about something new that’s happening in my life. I’m not superstitious – I don’t think that talking about it will cause it to end – but I do wonder at times how everyone will react.

I’ve started hanging out a lot with a young lady I met in the singles group at church. We’re not calling it dating, but I can see it leading to that in the future. We’re trying to be very careful as we move forward. We both have issues from our past, and our past experiences are very different, so we want to be sure that we have cemented our friendship so that nothing that might happen later would ever drive us completely apart.

We’ve been getting good advice from friends; most seem excited for both of us, but warn us to proceed very slowly and with great caution. We’re trying our best to follow that advice.

To be honest, I think I have been the most surprised about my desire to pursue a relationship at this point. I worried that people would think I was dishonoring Michell, that it was too soon for me to start thinking about dating again (and as I said, we’re not dating at this point, just talking about it as a potential future).

But if you’ve been following my posts, you’ll remember from a few months back that I went through a period when I would be driving around town, in tears as I was apologizing out loud to Michell because I knew that I was moving on with my life. As I moved through that experience, I think it freed my heart and my head to the possibility of starting a new relationship, and if this one has God’s blessing, He will continue to reveal that to us over time.

For those who are wondering, she is a divorcee, and she has a beautiful 2-year old daughter. And yes, that makes me greatly outnumbered when we all get together. Somehow, I just don’t mind.

Moving Forward

Once again, I have let quite a long time pass between posts. Fortunately, this time it’s because things have been generally going well.

Zoe is sleeping better – for the past several nights she has only gotten up once per night, Rachel has settled back into school – yes, Putnam County schools are starting Week 4 on Monday, and I … well, I’m really far behind.

You see, all summer long I have focused my work attention on my research project for TDOT. It’s gone fairly well, but because it didn’t get the attention it deserved back in January-April, it was way behind. Well, now it’s about caught back up to where it needs to be, but now the summer is almost over for me (classes start the 25th) and I haven’t done squat to get ready for class yet.

Not that this is unusual – it seems like it happens every summer. I have great plans, and very little gets accomplished until the week before class starts. So, hopefully I’ll get bunches of work done in the next 7 days.

On the home front, things are also behind where I wanted to be. I had planned to take a day each week and work on the house. For the most part, the house still reflects Michell much more than it does me – she was the collector and the decorator. Don’t get me wrong, I was not upset (in fact enjoyed) the way that she displayed her collections around the house, but for the past few months I have been wanting to make the houise a little more reflective of our new family life – which means more reflective of me.

I do have some plans (lots of plans, very little time or energy to carry them out). My first goal is to do a makeover in the downstairs family room. Dad is going to help me build some bookcases that will match the built-in desk, and I’ve bought a new TV stand and plan to make some matching shelves.

The difficult thing is deciding what to do with the things that were “ours”. The things that were mine, for example my turtle collection, are simple. The things that were hers, for example her porcelain dolls, are reasonably simple – I will keep a few to pass on to Rachel and Zoe, and ask Michell’s family about the rest. But the stuff that was ours – like our collection of playing cards from our trips – these are the hardest to decide what to do with. Do I keep them? Do I display them? How? Where? Are they a permanent fixture? Or can they be taken down if, at some future time, I begin to date or even remary?

In the end, I think I’m going to have a lot of boxes full of stuff in the garage. I feel bad for Rachel and Zoe for when they eventually have to go through them all and decide what to do with the stuff I didn’t know what to do with.

Bad Dad - again.

There are times I am convinced I am a horrible parent. It’s going on half-past midnight, and this is one of those times.

It’s been a stressful weekend – Zoe has been very fussy, and I don’t really know why. Both yesterday morning and this morning, it was a constant struggle to get her to stop fussing – she would scream and fuss over nothing, then after 20 minutes would want to do what you were offering her in the first place.

I’ve also not slept well the past two nights, so I know I am tired on top of all the stress I am feeling from the weekend, but still I should be able to handle my children and not lose my temper, shouldn’t I?

Zoe still isn’t sleeping well. About 10:40, she woke up, took some milk, and went back to bed… for about 10 minutes. From then until 11:40, it was up and down every few minutes, and my stress level went through the roof. I had gone to bed early because I knew I was tired, but it didn’t help because Zoe would not let me sleep.

At 11:45 she kept asking for more milk, which I didn’t really want to give since she just had some an hour before, but I finally was so overcome with frustration that I got her some. After giving her some time to drink it, and her telling me she was finished, I put her back in bed and started to leave. I hadn’t taken two steps toward the door when she started to scream at the top of her lungs about the milk.

I lost my temper. I threw the cup. Not at her – but at her crib. I know I would never throw anything at her, but I threw the cup at the crib to vent my anger.

Problem is, the cup was only plastic, and it broke. It threw milk all over her and her crib, and it terrified her.

How could I let my temper get away from me like that? What kind of parent could do something that would terrify their own child – and only a toddler at that?

I loved on her for a while, until her tears subsided, then cleaned up the mess. I loved on her some more, until my tears subsided, and asked her to forgive me. I know she doesn’t understand, but she nodded her head yes, and it does make me feel better.

After a while, I put her in bed, went into my room and cried some more. I asked God to forgive me, and I know He has.

I know I do a lot of things well as a parent – at least I think I do. But at times like this, I really miss Michell. Not just for the help she gave, but for forgiveness that Zoe doesn’t know how to give.

I have to quit now, Zoe just started crying again, so I need to go try and be the parent God wants me to be.

I pray that He helps me.

Awesome trip, with moments...

Should have posted this last week, but I’m behind. What else is new?

Went on an awesome trip with some friends – thanks again to MC and JA, it was a blast. It all started back several months ago when I was talking with my sister. Out of the blue, she mentioned that whenever I was ready to go on a trip for myself, she would keep the girls for me. Up to that point, I had not thought about going on a trip for myself, which is strange because I was always pushing for Michell and I to go on trips just the two of us.

At first, I didn’t think I was ready, and didn’t know what I wanted to do. But after a while, I started to think about going to a theme park (in fact, it came to me in a dream). I knew that I didn’t want to go by myself, so I started talking with some of “the gang” from high school and college, and in short order had a trip planned and ready.

We went to Six Flags Over Georgia, and wow – what a trip! We rode all the coasters, plus the sky buckets, the swings, and the log flume. There are some fun pictures at the bottom for your enjoyment.

Most of the trip was uneventful – but I did have two of “those moments.” The first was not unexpected – on the lift hill of Goliath (200’ lift, 70mph), I found myself looking up at the sky and talking with Michell. It didn’t really bother me, in fact it was a bit of a relief, and gave me a chance to continue to make peace with the fact that I am moving on.

The second was very unexpected, and came completely from habit. After our first trip on Superman (face-down coaster), I got off the train and reached back to take Michell’s hand and help her off the train and walk back around with her to ride again. It’s exactly what I used to do – hold her hand – all the time. It wasn’t overwhelming, but it was a noticeable moment.

So, even though I am moving on, there are still some habits that are just so ingrained in me that they haven’t fallen away. And the next few months promise more times which will reveal my loss again:

August – Michell’s birthday
September: Our anniversary
October: Zoe’s Birthday
November: Thanksgiving
December: Christmas, the anniversary of Michell’s death

I don’t know what these next months will bring, but then again we never do. All I know is that God still loves and cares for me, and I want to continue to follow Him.

Oh, and roller coasters are cool.

Long time, no post...

Well, this is the second time that I took about a month between posts. This time, however, it’s been because work has been extremely busy. I’m at a crunch point in my research project, and I want to get it squared away so that I still have time to get ready for classes before the semester starts.

Can you believe that Rachel goes back to school in about 2 weeks? Schools here have the first day on July 24th! Then about a month later, classes start for me at TTU. Seems like the summer just got into full swing, but that’s the schedule they run…

In regards to my last post, my wedding ring is still on my keychain. I still feel strange without it at times – probably about twice a day I find myself noticing how strange that finger still feels – but there have even been a couple of days when I drove the van instead of the car and the ring stayed here in the house instead of going with me.

I’ve also done some cleaning in my bedroom (thanks again, mom) that has freed up some space to start putting together some things I want to keep that were Michell’s (or ours together with special memories). It is strange to me that the house has changed so little, but I really haven’t had the time to make changes. I do know that the décor in the house will change – it reflects her so much and me less so – but for now I almost don’t notice that her collections are still everywhere.

I also started a project that has been waiting a while – making copies of the DVD from Michell’s celebration service to send to those who asked for a copy. Just haven’t been able to make myself sit down and do it before now, but now it seems ok. So, if you want a copy of the video from the service, just let me know and I’ll get you one.

Well, I know this isn’t much of a post, but I just wanted to get something up so that I can move on to the next post without feeling like I have to summarize so much. Happy July, everybody.