More than the "fairy tale"

Been watching romantic comedies lately (I know, I know...). They're all about the same: lovable loser guy meets awesome girl, connection begins. Obstacles arise, leading to comedic moments, then romantic resolution supplies fairy tale ending.

Problem: the movies always end where the real work begins. The phrase "I want the fairy tale"
has been ringing in my head lately - I think it's from Pretty Woman, but can't be sure because I never saw that movie. It sums up what most people think they're looking for - riding off into the sunset - happily ever after - the fairy tale ending.

Not me, though. I want way more than the fairy tale ending - I want the fairy tale to be just the beginning. You ask, "What do you mean?" I answer, "Great question! Thanks for asking!"

Too many times, we get our idea of what a great relationship is supposed to be like from the things we see on TV, at the movies, or read about in books. But few (if any) of these relationships ever show the real work that goes hand-in-hand with marriage-level love. Real, God-inspired, loving relationships require openness, honesty, trust, forgiveness, and commitment. They require daily sacrifices of self in favor of other and "us".

I know this because I've lived it. I know this because I've helped other couples who were having trouble in their marriage. Most of all, I know this because I have read the Bible and seen the example of God's love through the actions of His Son.

So if you're like me, praying for God to bring you together with "the right one", make sure you're asking for the right thing - not just the fairy tale, but the full sacrificial package - and get ready to do the work required. And if you're feeling frustrated because your fairy tale has slipped away, you might need to change your thinking. Godly marriage is about the best thing you can ever experience here on earth, but it's very different from what the movies are selling...

Merry Christmas!

Trying something a little different this year - it's amazing how much work and time it took to print, fold, and stuff letters, so now I've gone digital. Hope you don't mind. But really, if you mind, you probably didn't come here to read what I'm typing. So on with the letter

This has been a good year for us. Zoe continues to grow up so fast, though it looks like she'll have her mommy's height (or lack thereof). She's so very articulate - yes, I just used that big word to describe how well a 3-year old speaks. At her preschool, they did a review of her development. It asked if she used 2-3 word phrases/sentences. Zoe talks in paragraphs - multiple 7-10 word sentences that are coherent together. She's amazing. And more than that, she makes me laugh.

Rachel is also growing up. She has developed an affinity for performance - just this month she's had a main part in two different productions. She was one of the main characters in her school performance (Christmas at the OK Corral) and was in a duet at church in the Christmas program. She's also smart as a whip, making the "All Es" honor roll at school. Fortunately for her, the handwriting grade doesn't count. Let's just say that her handwriting is less than perfect.

The year has also been good for me. I had my colostomy takedown in March (read here: all my internal plumbing is now reconnected and functioning normally). During the recovery from that surgery, I also managed to get an inflamed gall bladder, which was then removed. My plan is to be out of the surgery mode for a while now. Not that I'm ungrateful...

Our big family event this year was a week at the beach during the summer. My sister (with her 2 kids) and I (with my 2 kids) rented a beach house in NC and spent the week. It was great! There are some pics on my Facebook page, which you can find from the link on the right.

We are well adjusted to life without Michell. It hardly seems like it could be two years since her death, but God continues to bless us in amazing ways. Zoe has slowly begun to realize who her mommy is (from pictures), and frequently mentions "my mommy in her white dress," referring to Michell in her bridal portrait. Rachel still has times when she mentions missing her mommy, especially during the Christmas season, but these are minor moments only, and are becoming rare. We have a fairly regular household schedule, and while I don't try to pretend to be a mommy, I have gotten a reasonable handle on all the "typical mom" things that are now my responsibility. I do pray that God will bless me with another opportunity to love and marry, but trust in His plan and His timing.

So, that's our brief update. We hope this letter finds you and yours deep in God's blessings, and that you have a safe, joyful Christmas!

Steven, Rachel, and Zoe Click

Be Thankful for "Lifers"

Been reconnecting with some my lifers lately - I am so thankful for them! What's a "lifer"? That's what I call a friend that remains true throughout your life. One of those handfull of friends with whom time and distance never matter, you can always pick right back up with never a snag. You know, the ones you can call at 2 in the morning and not have to apologize when you start the conversation.

So, why have I been reconnecting? Because my lifers are a great source of Godly counsel. They help me figure things out when I can't solve it on my own. The past few days have been especially cool, because God has used several of them in shifts, each one's advice and info adding to the prior to give me a fuller picture than any one could individually. How cool is that!

What a treasure my lifers are! They know many of my hidden faults and fears, but can look past them and still accept and care about me. They never force their ideas or advice on me, but their insight never ceases to amaze me - an amazing blend of their God-inspired wisdom and their understanding of who I reall am that frequently cuts to the heart of the matter.

Just in the past few days, I have reconnected with three of my lifers, including my longest-term lifer and the wife of my newest-term lifer couple (it's early in the relationship, but I'm pretty sure they're going to be lifers). The interactions have made me realize just how awesome these friends are to me, and how thankful I am that they are part of my life.

So, what about you? Do you have some lifers? If so, take a minute to be thankful and to realize just what a blessing you have.

Stray thoughts...

Wow. Unitl I came to post this, I didn't realize how long it's been. I knew it had been a while, but not this long. Oh, well. Apparently Facebook has taken over for posting my thoughts. In truth, I wasn't planning to post tonight, but a stray thought just took me on a journey and I thought I would share. It starts with one of the last things Michell and I talked about.

We were in the hospital, and I think it was after the girls had come to open their Christmas presents. Michell told me that if I looked around on her side of the closet, I would find the present she bought for me. I told her, "Plenty of time for that once you're back home." Of course, she never did come back to the house, but went to her heavenly home instead.

About a month later, when I was looking around for.. I don't even remember what... I finally found it. At the time, I just dropped down and cried. There were several things to make up the whole gift, but I only remember one of them - a devotional book by Tony Dungy intended to be the seed for a mens small group. That book still sits on a table in my room, waiting. Waiting for a time when I'm not "head coach" over all my church's groups and I can lead a group myself.

I don't know what triggered this particular memory, or why it was so truly vivid in my mind tonight. I do know that I've been frustrated recently that I don't know where God is taking me right now. Someone I was talking to at church tongiht mentioned that she felt that God had put her in a "holding pattern," and I know exactly what she means. I have ministries I am faithful to perform, but I feel more like I'm waiting for God to release me to the next thing, rather than full of vision for the future.

If you're there too, holding, waiting on God to show you what's next, let me encourage you (as I remind and encourage myself): God gave you gifts and talents to further His purposes. When everything is ready, He will call you to your next place, your next purpose, your next ministry. While you're waiting, try and enjoy the time He is giving you to learn, grow, and be still for a time, but be ready to move because when He calls, it's time to go!

Good or bad? Good, I hope...

So I've made it through another anniversary without Michell. Today would have been 12 years of marriage for the two of us, instead it marks 1 yr 9 months since her death. Funny thing is, the quiesting I've been pondering today is only indirectly related to her death. So, you might ask, what have I been pondering? I've been wondering if it's a good sign or a bad sign that today just seems like any other Sunday.

If you know me well, you know that I not only think about things alot, but I also think about how I think about things alot. (and I even think about the fact that I think about how I think about things alot - I know, scary but true) I know it becomes futile thinking after a while, but it's somthing I've never really been able to stop, and I'm used to it now.

So today, the thing that has made me most upset is the fact that I'm not really upset about the fact that today should have been my 12th anniversary. In my head, I've known it was coming all month, but never really thought about it being a big deal. I know others who have some ritual or plan special activities on dates like this, but today was just a normal Sunday for us.

Now, I'm not one to base my self-worth or self-judgement on the opinions of others, but I am curious to hear what you think about it - is it good or bad that today is just a normal day, with no drama or pain. While thinking about this throughout the day, I've come to the conclusion that I think it's a good thing, but I know I'll keep thinking about it - that's just what I do.

And Michell, as you sit at the feet of Jesus, you already know my feelings better than I know them myself. See you in eternity! Until then, I'll just keep living as God directs me, as best I can.

My house or hers?

You know, I've tried about 5 times to start this post, and kept erasing them. So now I'm just jumping into the middle - you'll catch up, I'm sure.

I've been feeling a bit out of place in my own house lately. Why? Because in many ways, it's still more Michell's house than mine. At least, the decorating is. I don't know how it is in your house, but I was never overly concerned about what kinds of decorations were up, I was much more concerned that things function well. As a result, Michell did most of the decorating... and since she was a collector, her collections are still everywhere.

Since her death, I have gone through many stages of re-establishing myself as a "single" instead of part of a couple. One of the slowest has been transforming the house to reflect "me" rather than "us". Essentially, there are 3 major steps to making such a change - 1) I have to be emotionally ready to move/remove things, 2) I have to know what's going to replace the things I move/remove, and 3) I have to have the time & energy to move/remove and set up new things.

In the beginning, the emotional issues were the worst. Later, I got to the point where I was emotionally ready, but didn't know what to put in what would otherwise be empty spots. This is a bigger problem than you might think - I know because I cleaned off the upstairs entertainment center and it sat disturbingly empty for many months, and has slowly accumulated random items via the "horizontal curse". I'm still frustrated about that space, and I still don't know what I'm eventually going to put there.

Now, however, the biggest issue centers around time & energy. As a single parent, I rarely have the large blocks of time required to lovingly pack away one of Michell's collections and replace it with something that's more about me. Worse is the fact that it's rarely one thing that needs to change - I have started some work this summer that spiraled into about 4 projects - you know... move A to B so that C can move to A so that D can get shifted closer to where C used to be and... and... and...

There's also an odd emotional issue that's coming around. While I am ready for things to move (in fact, I'm getting very mildly frustrated at my own slow progress), I would really like to sit down and talk about the things I'm moving/removing. Rachel and Zoe aren't old enough to appreciate (or endure) such conversations, and there's no one else to share with. Part of me is worried that the stories will be forgotten, leaving me with boxes of random stuff instead of boxes of meaningful connections. Other than waiting for Rachel and Zoe to be teenagers, I don't know how to solve this one, so I'm just having to move on despite the discomfort.

I am, however, slowly making progress. Curious? Good! because I wanted to share. Below is a picture of a project I finished today. Started it before school let out last spring, but it's finally finished! What is it? A new display area for my playing card collection. I have cards from work trips, from my mom's travel to other countries, from personal vacations, from vacations with Michell, and in the center are the cards from family vacations (before and after Michell's death). There are also some random "for fun" decks tucked in to fill out the display. Here's Rachel showing off the display:

In case you're keeping score on how one project creates another... the new display is in the dining room above the craft table. Putting up this display required moving Michell's bridal portrait, which now has a new home in the living room, which required removing the curio cabinet to make room for the portrait, which required getting (and assembling) a new shelf to hold a few key items from the curio cabinet, which required shifting some furniture to make room for the new shelf. I also have a collection of other items from the curio cabinet removal which still need to be packed away.

So, if you've bee worried because the house still seems more hers than mine, just keep giving me time. I have big plans for the kitchen (model train!), but it may take a while...

Ambushed by grief

Got ambushed by grief today. Knew it might happen - we talked about it in Griefshare - it's just anytime when your grief unexpectedly rears up and gets you. It happened to me after lunch today. The morning and lunchtime were fine, great even, but since then I've felt down, even to the point of feeling a physical sensation in my head. I probably shouldn't be surprised. There are several things that have happened lately that I should have guessed would trigger it.

First, our beach vacation was great, but I certainly thought about Michell each time we went to the beach. In my mind, I could see what she would have been doing. She loved to sit on the beach and dig down into the sand - down to where there are tons of shells. She could spend hours just looking for one or two good shells.

Second, I've been watching my sister deal with her husband's deployment. They are dealing with similar seperation issues, plus the added stress of his location. Not only has this caused me to remember back to right after Michell died, it has also caused Rachel to regress into grief. My niece, who is the same age as Rachel, frequently cried over missing her daddy while we were on our trip together. Since that first night, Rachel keeps saying how much she misses her mommy. Before the trip, it was at most a weekly event, now it can be several times a day.

Third, I've had two seperate and recent instances of friends just dropping me from their life. Not anyone I would call a "best friend", but certainly someone I thought of as more than just a casual acquaintance. Even though one may have pulled away in an effort to spare me pain, it still hurts to have someone just pull themself away like that. Having it happen twice just makes each instance seem worse.

I'm trusting God to pull me through this. He promises "a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair" (Isaiah 61:3, NIV) and to turn "my mourning into dancing" (Psalm 30:11, NAS). He has been, is, and will continue to be my source of strength, hope, and joy.

I love you, Lord! Thank you for your promises!