New this, new that... new what?

So, lots has happened since my last post. We went through Christmas, the anniversary of Michell's death, New Years, and my birthday.

We did some things differently this Christmas - for one, we got a new tree. Michell and I had used the same tree for all 10 years of our marriage, so it was time for a new one - plus, I just didn't want to deal with using the same one we had used. We also put the tree downstairs instead of upstairs, which I liked alot.

Christmas was good - the girls and I had lots of fun. We all got lots of new stuff. Rachel's big gift was a video camera, which she loves. Zoe's big gift was a My First LeapPad, which she's still getting used to. My big gift was a new HD TV and HD TiVo box. I had been saving for the TV all year, and finally took the plunge. For the geeks in the audience, I got a 46" Samsung A650.

The anniversary of Michell's death was less of an issue than I expected. I kept expecting my grief to overcome me, but it didn't. I think I told my parents the same kind of thing over and over - "I keep expecting to be overwhelmed, and it just hasn't happened." Not that I don't miss her - I do, but the memories of her bring more joy than sadness now.

The New Year was an interesting event. It made me realize that I have been a single dad for a year now, and have survived it. Things are actually getting easier, partly because I am functioning at or near my full capacity again, and partly because the girls are both getting older. Zoe is over 2 now, and talking up a storm. While the 2's come with some discipline issues, they also come with new independence and ability that are making life better.

There's another "new" thing in my life, a new girlfriend. Her name is Tammy, and I have been amazed at how God brought her into my life at this time. I never thought it would happen this quickly, but God's plans are not always (or even often) what we expect them to be. We've been dating for a couple of months now, and I am amazed at the joy she brings to my life.

Here are a couple of pictures of her - one she got taken at a studio, and one of the two of us after the church's Christmas Program (it was set in the 1940's, which explains her costume & hair - she sang in an ensemble and with the choir).

Disney Pics Now Available!

Well, I finally caught a break. Things have settled down enough that I was able to get the Disney pictures posted to the web and on the blog. You can either check out the little bitty slide shows on the right, or you can go to the album and click "slideshow" to see big ones with these links:

Disney Day 1 - Arrival & Epcot
Disney Day 2 - Magic Kingdom
Disney Day 3 - MGM Studios
Disney Night 3 - Spectromagic Parade
Disney Day 4 - Animal Kingdom
Disney Day 5 - Magic Kingdom Again

We'll be back in a moment...

So, it's been over a month since the last post. A very eventful month, to say the least. About 3 weeks ago, I had some bad stomach pain and a fever, and went to the doctor to see what was wrong. That night, about 8pm, the doctor called me at home and sent me to the ER. They did a CT scan about midnight, and I was in surgery at 2am.

What happened? I had a ruptured colon. Turns out it was VERY serious - as evidenced by the fact that they did the surgery at 2am instead of waiting for 8am. I was totally out of it for a couple of days, in the hospital for about a week, and have been home now for about 2 weeks.

I'm probably about 75% back in action. I can do just about anything except lift heavy objects, though I do get tired very easily. Rachel and Zoe spent about 12 days at my parent's house, and Zoe is still staying with them (I can't lift her into her bed, high chair, etc.).

Overall, I am doing well. I will need a follow-up surgery in February or March (I have a temporary colostomy, which will be reversed). That surgery will have a similar recovery period, but after healing from it, I should have no lasting impacts. I will be cleared to do anything I could do before.

They don't know why it happened; they told me that it was nothing I did or didn't do. All in all, it's been a frustrating and frightening experience, but through it all, God continues to carry me through. I am amazed at how He takes care of me.

Well, here's hoping that your month has been less eventful. I still plan to try and get the Disney pictures up on the site, but Christmas cards will take precedence. Speaking of, if your address has changed since last year, or if you didn't get a Christmas card and want one, please let me know!

And we're back!

That's right, we're back from Disney - and it was AWESOME. Rachel and I had a great time. I'll try and get some pictures and such edited and posted so that you can see some of the fun, but for now, I just wanted to let everyone know that the trip went great.

Oh, and I am now so incredibly far behind in getting ready for classes and grading papers that I may never catch up.

Twas the night before...

That's right, tomorrow we head to Disney. Rachel and I are packed and ready to go (we leave at 4:45am tomorrow morning). But for some reason, I have these strange fears in my heart. What if something goes wrong? What if we don't have a good time? What if I can't handle this trip? What if I make it into no fun at all? And worst of all, what if I'm not as good as Michell was at helping the trip to happen in the best way possible.

You see, Rachel has been out on fall break all week, and to be honest, she's been getting on my nerves. I know that it's just her wanting my attention since she's around me so much more, but I really have found it to be frustrating. You would think that after Michell's passing, that I would have more patience and want to have this time with Rachel, but some days it just isn't in me. I don't want to be the one having the temper-tantrum on the trip, but I am afraid it might happen.

So, strange as it seems, pray for my vacation. Pray that God will help us to have a good time, build new memories at Disney without Michell, for both Rachel and I to move gently through any moments of grief, and for me to not stress out too much. I don't want to be "bad dad" on this trip.

Also, for when we return, please keep praying that Zoe will sleep better. For a week or two, she seemed on a better pattern, but recently she has been up many times a night, and it has been cutting into my sleep.

I'll post again sometime on the other side of the trip!

A visit, an anniversary, and a legacy

Just finished a great visit from some even greater friends. Thanks again to the Grouse clan for trekking over to Tennessee to visit us. They couldn’t have come at a better time. Why? Because this was my anniversary weekend. Saturday would have been 11 years married for Michell and I, if she were still alive.

Lots has been happening in my life lately – mostly good things – and the past two weekends have really helped me to process it. First was the retreat, and then this weekeind staying up late talking with friends about what God is doing in my life.

On the retreat, we talked about the gifts God has placed in your life and how you are using them. Through some of the discussions that weekend, a new vision for ministry began to crystallize in my life. Nothing extraordinary, no flash of lightning or anything like that, but I have felt like I’ve been adrift, waiting for God to give me a direction for months now.

For one, I think it’s time to start having more friends to the house again. For a time, I’ve been feeling a bit like a stranger in my own house – Michell was the decorator and collector, so her stuff is still everywhere. The house still reflects her more than me. I love having people over, but I guess I was worried about people seeing her house instead of mine, but I just have to get over that, and know that the house will continue to change and evolve over time – just like it would change and evolve if Michell was still alive – and that over time, it will become more indicative of me when I am able to put away some of her things.

For another, I have a new direction of helping to develop leaders within the church. I’ve had the benefit of leadership training on several occasions, and now I’m going to start putting together a class on leadership with an emphasis on connecting business (secular) leadership principles with Biblical principles, because there is great overlap between the two. I’m excited about where this could go.

There’s also been some pain in my life lately. I wrote about my overwhelming grief moment at the retreat already, and today I had another two such moments as well. I should have expected both of them, but they managed to catch me by surprise. The first was after the Grouses left – we had breakfast together – and when I was driving away from the restaurant, I just started to cry. I think in the moments after good friends come to visit, it sinks in how it would have been if Michell was there with us. That brings back my longing to see her, touch her, and just be with her, and my grief swells up to the top.

The other happened a few minutes ago when I was reading a magazine article. It was about a couple who passed on a legacy of money to dozens of their friends when they passed away. In the article, it talked about how they were still holding hands in their 90s, and that their marriage was a testimony. That’s something Michell and I talked about often – we didn’t just want to be married, or even to just stay married. We wanted to be an example of what marriage should be – loving, caring, vibrant, and God-centered. We talked about being married for 50 years, and how important it was to us to create that legacy. It wasn’t good enough to exist together for that time, we wanted to grow together and in God for that time. 10 years just isn’t what we wanted. I cried so much that I had to stop reading the article several times to collect myself before I could go on.

I think having friends over helped to mask some of the pain of my anniversary coming and going, but reading that article brought it all back to the forefront. We deserved more than 10 years. You know, I just wrote “She deserved more” and erased it. She’s in heaven, getting more than I could ever offer her here on earth. Even if I could be the perfect husband (which I can’t) and Rachel and Zoe could be perfect children (which of course they are, except on days whose names end in “y”), there is no way that life here could match life in heaven. I think I’m really just feeling a little selfish, and wanting her back for me, because whether I deserve it or not, I wanted more. Still want more.

The other, smaller pain has been the realization that I am not ready for a dating relationship yet. Again, this should not be a surprise, but it was. Just a few weeks ago, I was posting about meeting someone and developing a friendship that might lead to a dating relationship. It still might, but I know now that I have a much longer road ahead of me before my heart and my head will be ready to take those kinds of steps. We’re still friends, and plan to continue to do things together, but my attitude about the relationship is definitely different now than it was a few weeks ago.

Oh, and the “ring” part in the title. I still notice that my wedding ring isn’t on my finger. I notice it when I drive, when I go to sleep, when I wake up. It’s funny, I remember when we first got married that I would notice it was there all the time. Then I guess I got so used to it being on that I forgot about it. Now it’s been off for months, and I still notice that it’s missing. Just like today – Michell has been gone for almost a year – and I still notice she’s gone.

Psalm 6:3 - My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?
Psalm 13:2 - How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?

Another Perfect Day

I should have posted several things before now - I had some dreams about Michell that I wanted to post about; my anniversary is approaching and suddenly I am noticing that my wedding ring isn’t on my finger again; and then there’s the story about dad, Zoe, and the grapes that makes me laugh just thinking about it, but none of those have made it to the blog.

What is making it to the blog, however, is the moment of overwhelming grief that I had last night. I’m on a retreat – the single’s group at church has one ever fall, and I thought I was ok to come. We’re talking about gifts, and started the weekend by watching the movie “The Ultimate Gift” with James Garner (yep, from the Rockford Files).

During the movie, we meet a little girl who is dying from leukemia. She gets asked what was the gift she wanted more than anything, and she replies “The perfect day – a day spent with the people who love me, and who love each other.”

They ran that scene again during the credits. I had to leave the room for a few minutes, overwhelmed by how much I still miss Michell. Overwhelmed at the thought of having just one more day with her. We could do anything – even housework – and it would be a perfect day. Just because she would be there.

I’ve wondered all along if I was really ready to come to this retreat. I’m still not sure I am. I’ve wondered about where I’m really at. I don’t think I’ve had an overwhelming moment in months – and not many little moments either. Form talking to others and reading, I understand that I will never get “over” losing my wife, I will just get used to living without her.

If you're reading this, please realize that any day can be that “perfect day” – it’s not about what you do, it’s about who you are with.