Prayers to heaven

For those of you who have continued to wonder how Rachel is handling Michell’s death, I have an amazing story to share. It happened tonight at bedtime, and it blew me away.

Rachel had just finished reading me her Bible story – I got her a new Bible just this week that she can read from – and I told her it was her turn to pray tonight. She started with her typical, which usually involves telling Jesus that she hopes He had a good day. In itself, that would be pretty cool to blog about, and could get very deep as we consider what we would have done to give Him a good day, but that was just the beginning.

She went on and said something like this…

“I hope you had a good day, too, mommy, you and Jesus. I hope you have a good time up there until one of us comes to see you. We miss you. We miss you very much.”

Up to this point, any time Rachel talked about missing her mommy, she broke down into tears, but not tonight. She finished with a sad expression on her face, but she went on to bed without any issue. It doesn’t mean that she’s finished with her grief, but it seems like a major step to me, and in more ways than one.

The obvious is that she is slowly moving through her grieving process. Even more important to me, however, is her grasp of the Gospel. She Knows (capital K) about Heaven. She Knows (again, capital K) that those who choose Jesus get to go there. And she Knows (you’ve got it now) that both she and daddy have made that choice, so we get to go someday.

She’s asked before about being baptized, and I’ve always wondered if she was really old enough to understand what she was asking about. She’s told me that she’s asked Jesus into her heart, but part of me wondered if it was truly real. I doubt no longer.

So come, celebrate with me. My Rachel has chosen Jesus, and we will spend eternity together! Then pray for us, that together we can show Zoe the Truth, so that she will also choose to join us on the journey.

Pictures of God's Faithfulness

Finished something that I’ve been working on for a while now – a photo album of 2008. If you live in the Cookeville area, I’ll probably inflict it on you in the near future. As most of you know, Michell was an avid scrapbooker, and while I wanted to continue to take and share pictures, what she did was well beyond me. But I stumbled across the memory books that you can create online, and those I could handle.

After finishing, I’ve gone back through to proofread and to show what I created to a select few. Today, I was thinking about what was in there, and perhaps more importantly, what wasn’t.
I titled the album “2008 – A New Beginning.” The first page has the last (good) family picture from 2007 that included Michell, along with a message about how we miss her. Then you turn that page over, and start into January, where you see pictures of Rachel, Zoe, and I spending time together. As you continue, you see pictures from every month of the year, and every special event you can think of.

So what’s not there? Well, there are no pictures of the days in January I spent laying on the floor, crying uncontrollably. There are no pictures of the nights I lost my temper and threw cups down the hall. Nothing to show how dead to the world I was some days, and nothing to indicate how lonely some days were (and still are sometimes).

What is there is undeniable evidence of God’s faithfulness. How? There are pictures of children laughing, birthday parties, and outdoor fun. There are friends and family who came to visit us here in Cookeville, and those we visited elsewhere. There are messy faces, giggling girls, and a blow-up pool at the bottom of the slide. And, wonder of wonders, a few pictures of Tammy, a wonderful woman I was blessed to have as my girlfriend for a season. (Yes, for those who don’t know, we are still friends, but not dating anymore)

What I see, as I look back, is God carrying me through the darkest chapter in my life. And apparently, I did more than just survive – the pictures show a life full of joy, and they provide evidence of God’s blessings that cannot be denied. I still deal with grief – not so much in overwhelming pain, but in snatches of sadness and moments of emptiness – I expect to deal with that in some ways for the rest of my life. But, as God promised, old things have passed away, and all things have been made new.

The past few months have been frustrating and strange – two surgeries have forced me away from my girls, especially Zoe, for long stretches that I do not like. But, with God’s help, I can do this. With God’s help, I look forward to continuing to heal an move on.

Deep Thoughts... on Loneliness

First of all, for those who haven't heard, my surgery went well. My recovery, however, has been slower than expected. I am still only up for workdays of 5-6 hours, and can't do much after that because of tiredness. I keep praying that things will get better, and trust God to complete my healing quickly.

During this time, I've been thinking lots about loneliness. If loneliness is not knowing anyone, then there is no way I could be lonely. I know tons of people - see some daily, some weekly, and some less often - but not a day goes by that I don't see or talk to people I know.

But what if that's not what loneliness is? What if loneliness isn't about how many people you know, but rather is about wether you know people well. As I look at myself, and the people I know, most of my relationships are very shallow. The worst part - it's my fault.

You see, I've had these impedences to forming deep relationships: first, I was grieving Michell's death, there was discomfort with friends who didn't know what to say, or there was discomfort because my friends were couples and I wasn't anymore, then I was adjusting to being a single parent, and I have to be at home to put my kids to bed, and I don't want to leave my kids with a sitter too often, and... and... and...

But now, I wonder if my impedences are starting to become exscuses. Yes, it's true, I am a single parent. I need to spend time with my kids, and I need to get them in bed at a reasonable time. No issue - but what am I doing to build relationships? Am I using the time that I do have? As I evaluate myself, I find that I am not.

So, how do I change? Well, I've started with this honest evaluation of myself, and coupled what I found with prayer. In an email devotion I read today, it talked about connecting your desires with your prayers - that we need to intentionally pray for the things we desire - so I am now praying specifically that I will look for and schedule events that allow me to build deeper friendships.

Is it going to be easy? No, probably not. Even as I shed the exscuses, I still have the impedences - many are real and must be addressed. The times I have available are limited, and you can't form lasting relationship with a long history overnight. Also, I'm not a college student anymore - I am not in a culture of people searching for new friendships, rather I am in a culture where most people have a good set of friends and don't feel the need to search for more.

What I do know is that it will be worth it. Why? Because God made us for fellowship - both with Him and with each other. As I get to know others better, I will get new glimplses of my Creator, and nothing could be more desirable than that.

Coming Up Next: Steven's Colostomy Takedown

Yep, that's right. I'm about ready to get rid of the bag! For those who haven't been following along, last November I had emergency surgery for a ruptured colon, resulting in a temporary colostomy. If you don't know that word (PG content ahead), it means they disconnected my large intestine from my colon and poked the end of my intestines out my belly. I have a bag essentially taped to my belly that my poop pours into, and that I have to empty regularly to prevent blowouts.

So, my colon is healed now, and I am going back for a surgery to reconnect my intestine to my colon. After my recovery (4-7 days in the hospital, ~2 weeks at home, no lifing for 4-6 weeks) I should be good as new, and able to do anything I could do before.

I just got a call from the hospital, and I have to report tomorrow at 6:30 AM, which is earlier than I hoped. (I don't get up until 7am most days, so this is early for me). I'm watching my kids eat dinner at my parent's tonight (I say watching because I'm restricted to clear liquids today) and then leaving around their bedtimes to go for prayer at a friend's house.

So, there will probably be another long post lag, but I trust God that it will all be good news on the other side!

Rachel's 1st Grade Performance

Just got back from Rachel's 1st grade performance - it was fun! Her class did read/sang/acted out Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day, one of my favorite books from when I was a kid.

"...mom says some days are like that, even in Australia"

Rachel got to hold a sign - the "Horrible" sign. Every time the class said "It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day," Rachel would hold up her sign on cue. She did great, and I am proud of her!

New this, new that... new what?

So, lots has happened since my last post. We went through Christmas, the anniversary of Michell's death, New Years, and my birthday.

We did some things differently this Christmas - for one, we got a new tree. Michell and I had used the same tree for all 10 years of our marriage, so it was time for a new one - plus, I just didn't want to deal with using the same one we had used. We also put the tree downstairs instead of upstairs, which I liked alot.

Christmas was good - the girls and I had lots of fun. We all got lots of new stuff. Rachel's big gift was a video camera, which she loves. Zoe's big gift was a My First LeapPad, which she's still getting used to. My big gift was a new HD TV and HD TiVo box. I had been saving for the TV all year, and finally took the plunge. For the geeks in the audience, I got a 46" Samsung A650.

The anniversary of Michell's death was less of an issue than I expected. I kept expecting my grief to overcome me, but it didn't. I think I told my parents the same kind of thing over and over - "I keep expecting to be overwhelmed, and it just hasn't happened." Not that I don't miss her - I do, but the memories of her bring more joy than sadness now.

The New Year was an interesting event. It made me realize that I have been a single dad for a year now, and have survived it. Things are actually getting easier, partly because I am functioning at or near my full capacity again, and partly because the girls are both getting older. Zoe is over 2 now, and talking up a storm. While the 2's come with some discipline issues, they also come with new independence and ability that are making life better.

There's another "new" thing in my life, a new girlfriend. Her name is Tammy, and I have been amazed at how God brought her into my life at this time. I never thought it would happen this quickly, but God's plans are not always (or even often) what we expect them to be. We've been dating for a couple of months now, and I am amazed at the joy she brings to my life.

Here are a couple of pictures of her - one she got taken at a studio, and one of the two of us after the church's Christmas Program (it was set in the 1940's, which explains her costume & hair - she sang in an ensemble and with the choir).

Disney Pics Now Available!

Well, I finally caught a break. Things have settled down enough that I was able to get the Disney pictures posted to the web and on the blog. You can either check out the little bitty slide shows on the right, or you can go to the album and click "slideshow" to see big ones with these links:

Disney Day 1 - Arrival & Epcot
Disney Day 2 - Magic Kingdom
Disney Day 3 - MGM Studios
Disney Night 3 - Spectromagic Parade
Disney Day 4 - Animal Kingdom
Disney Day 5 - Magic Kingdom Again