Mother's Day

So, how do you prepare for Mother’s Day when your wife, and the mother of your children, passed away a few months ago? Apparently, it doesn’t matter what you do, it doesn’t dull the pain.

Today has been hard. This morning before church, I thought I was going to be OK, but even though we didn’t have a heavily themed service (in fact, service was awesome, despite my pain), it was still a very painful Sunday morning. Fortunately, after church I went to my parents’ house, and that has become such a familiar thing that I didn’t really think about it being Mother’s Day anymore.

I’ve given up trying to describe how bad the hurt is at any particular time, I never seem to be able to explain just how bad it hurts, but church today was the roughest Sunday in quite some time. It follows a rough week, when I tried doing a couple of things on my own that I used to do with Michell.
To celebrate the end of the semester, I went to Knoxville and met my sister to have lunch and do some shopping. Michell and I used to take a “date day” at the end of each semester, and that was our usual agenda. When I was with my sister, things went ok, but both on the drive up and drive home, things were bad. The drive home was especially bad.

I also went out to dinner by myself. Seems a small thing, but I have been avoiding it. Oh, I’ve eaten by myself, but I had not gone out to dinner here in Cookeville alone. I spent most of the meal reading a book, and left the restaurant feeling like the entire evening had been too quiet. That’s become a common feeling for me – that my evenings have been too quiet.

I’ve also begun to feel and express guilt over the fact that I am moving on. I find myself talking out loud to Michell, and telling her that I’m sorry that I have to move on, sorry that I have begin to think of myself as single, sorry that I feel the need to get involved in new communities (I’m thinking of going to my church’s singles group in the next month or so), sorry that the memories of our marriage, great as it was, are not enough to sustain me. I know she wouldn’t be (isn’t) upset, but that doesn’t let me turn off the pain.

I also have to fight the urge to find a girlfriend. I said in a prior post that I really don’t know who I am and what I want to do anymore, and I know I am not in any shape for a serious relationship right now. I still feel this incredible desire for companionship – we were created for community – and I have to continually keep my thoughts in check.

Given the pain I feel at the loss of my wife, I have trouble reconciling my desire to find someone else already being so strong, but maybe it is just a natural response to loss. After God, Michell was the focus of my life, and the Michell-shaped hole looms incredibly large. I trust God to help me with this issue, and pray daily (often more than once) that He will guide my thoughts and desires according to His plan.

Well, that’s more than I set out to write, so I think I will stop now.