What do I want to do?

It seems like a strange question, but I ask it of myself all the time. I was married to Michell for 10 years, and she was my best friend. We always did things together – even things I would not have chosen to do myself were fun because she was doing them with me. Now I don’t know what to do.

I find myself searching for… myself. What do I want to do? What do I like? By myself, what things will be interesting? Most often, anything I think of would be great to have done with Michell, but by myself sounds dull. Or worse yet, sounds like it will just make me miss her more.

And most of the time, even if I could think of something I wanted to go do, I can’t. With a toddler and a kindergartener, I’m back at home for supper every night, and “stuck” at home after bedtime. I do have a sitter come one night a week, and on Wednesday night we go to church, but you get the picture.

I find myself gravitating to TV shows (the few that are worth watching, anyway) and books that I have read many times before. I wonder sometimes if I am just passing time – avoiding the pain – rather than really doing “what I like to do,” because I never can find a good answer to my own question.

I guess I’m having to re-discover who Steven is without Michell. A good friend summed it up well – it was never “just Michell,” it was always “Steven and Michell.”

I miss her fiercely, and I don’t really know who I am without her.