Celebrating with sadness

Just got some great news, and it made me really sad.

What’s the great news? I got invited to be a member of a national-level research committee – it’s a great step in my career. In fact, it’s been on my list of goals since I started my job here at Tennessee Tech. For those outside of academia, it’s probably hard to understand, but it’s a really big deal. It means that I have been recognized as an expert in my field, and have gained the respect of my peers nationally.

Why did this make me so sad? Because Michell isn’t here to celebrate with me. I can’t call her and tell her the news. I can’t hear her tell me how proud she is of me. We won’t go out to dinner and celebrate. She won’t drive over to my office on her lunch hour to tell me again how proud she is. We won’t open one of the bottles of sparkling grape juice that still sit in the bottom of the refrigerator waiting for special occasions.

You see, she was always so supportive of me, so proud of my success. Whenever I achieved a goal, or even took a baby step toward one, she did the things I wrote about. She would tell me on the phone how proud she was, she would come by to see me, she would schedule a dinner together… she would celebrate with me.

What am I doing instead? Going home at lunch, eating by myself, loading the dishwasher, and getting the grocery list together so I can go to WalMart this afternoon.

You know, I am so thankful to God for His blessings on my career. Even through these past few months, His hand is evident. I have received awards, been given extensions, had my contract renewed, and now achieved a goal I thought was 3+ years away, if it could ever bee achieved. So please don’t think I am ungrateful – I just wish Michell was still here to share all these blessings with. I miss her so much.