Not "Bad Dad", Just "Tired Dad", and He's Not Such a Bad Dad

I've spent the last two days as "Tired Dad." If you've read my posts for a while, you know that I am very open about the fact that I sometimes become "Bad Dad" and treat my kids in ways that I am ashamed of. I know it happens to all of us (partly because several of you have told me that it happens to you), but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Being "Tired Dad" isn't as bad as being "Bad Dad" - I could stick in a joke about "Tired Dad" being "Bad Dad Light"... with 1/3rd less guilt than regular bad dad, but I won't. However, being "Tired Dad" is still an issue that I want to work on. Maybe you've been "Tired Dad" and can let me know the things that help you...

"Tired Dad" has some issues. For one, he tends to be a bit unpredictable - especially on discipline. Behaviors from my kids that would normally get ignored become problems, and minor problems can quickly result in spankings. Fortunately, I have learned to recognize when "Tired Dad" is in the house, and I when I tell Rachel that I'm tired, she knows to respond that it means I'm grumpy. Zoe isn't old enough to process this yet, but at least Rachel gets some warning.

Less noticed by others, but very obvious to me, is the fact that "Tired Dad" looks at time from the end to the beginning. (you ask "He does what?!?") I'm glad you asked that. "Tired Dad" tends to always think of how long it is before he gets a break - i.e. "bedtime is in 3 hours... how can I get us through the next 3 hours?" While this is probably a normal mechanism, it often means that I settle for less - I don't give my kids the attention they want, I'm more likely to let them watch TV, and I even find myself asking them to go play in their rooms while I am somewhere else in the house.

As noted, this is much better behavior than "Bad Dad", but I still find myself thinking later that I missed opportunities to be with my kids, instead of just around them. I also don't want this to become a norm in my life - I want to try and work through it and get better.

One good thing about "Tired Dad" is that he has learned a counter-intuitive lesson. One of the best things that "Tired Dad" can do is organize an activity. One of my favorites is the "invite another family to come play" maneuver. For the cost of three pizzas, I can invite others to come to the house. While for some this injection of others would be tiring, I am a very social person and find it energizing to have company at the house. Not to mention that having more kids around tends to reduce my kid's need for my devoted attention, so I get a partial break without feeling like I've deprived them.

My other favorite is the "go do something at a big place" maneuver. The Cookeville Children's Museum is a great destination, and has tons of things for them to do. But even when it's closed (which is often), something as simple as WalMart or Sams can really change up the pace.

Again, counter-intuitive (I have to watch my kids in the store? and that's supposed to take less energy than at home? are you CRAZY?!?), but it really does help. There's travel to-and-fro, with singing (we always sing in the car). There's time in the store - each one gets to "help" with different things, and they're used to strict behavior rules at the store, so there are fewer discipline issues. Maybe it won't work for you, but it works for me.

Well, "Tired Dad" is wrapping up so he can be in bed on time (11pm) and get some sleep. But even though "Tired Dad" was with me all weekend, he did a pretty good job of pushing through and loving his kids really well. All in all, I'm proud of "Tired Dad" instead of ashamed. And that's a good thing.

Three strands...

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 (New International Version)

Life has taken on a new joy recently. You would think the opposite, after recent events. For those who've not been following along, the past 18 months have not been the kind of journey that you would expect to come out of with great joy. My wife passed away (Dec 2007), I had emergency surgery for a ruptured colon (Nov 2008), I had a follow-up surgery (Mar 2009), and then a surprise additional surgery to remove my gall bladder (Apr 2009).

What then, is the difference? How have I been able to not only survive grief, pain, and life on the "DL" (disabled list)? No doubt in my mind, the answer is God. He has carried me, sheltered me, comforted me, and lifted me up. The glory goes to Him and Him alone, because without Him, I would probably be a tangled wreck.

So what's happened here recently to allow my joy to become more complete? Two words: three strands. Ok, maybe I need more than two words to help you understand. So let's try a paragraph or two...

The verse at the top of the post is frequently used to talk about the strength that comes in a Godly marriage - the three strands are God, husband, and wife. When fully united, this trio becomes an unshakable, unstoppable force. But I'm not married anymore... so at best I'm back to two strands, right?

In a word, no. God's plan is always big enough - bigger than the Devil's attempts to mess it up. It's true, I don't have a wife - no constant companion with whom to unite in Christ and form the three-strand cord, but I do have friends. Check back through my posts, and you'll find one on loneliness. I went through a brief period of feeling totally disconnected from others, and had to realize what was happening and take charge of what I was (or, in this case, wasn't) doing.

I am now working hard to build relationships with friends, and in the process I am finding that my good friends can step in and be another strand in the cord of my life - not one of them for all things, but a "network of shared responsibility" that God is building around me. I just have to remember that I am the initiator of contact for the network - I have to keep building the relationships that form it. So I am.

If you're not a single parent, then you probably don't understand how difficult this road is to travel. I know that I was clueless before - I thought I could imagine it, but I was so wrong. That road is made more difficult by the very commitment to be a good parent - those responsibilities make it harder to find the time to develop the "network" I mentioned above. It's taken me almost 18 months just to realize some of the things I need, and to diligently pursue them.

I've shifted the focus here a bit, and maybe muddied the water, so let me summarize what I hope you're getting out of this. For one, God is awesome. He has and will continue to take great care of me, and I thank Him for all He has done. He has made me glad!

For another, if you're in my network - be it in what you think of as a "small" or "large" role, I pray that He blesses you 100-fold for the blessing you are to me. I might be able to survive without my network, but having it is allowing me to thrive, not just survive. I look forward to continuing to build our friendships.

And finally, on a bit of a tangent, if you know a single parent (and I think almost everyone does), prayerfully consider making time in your schedule to get to know them better. All you have to do is give an invitation and open yourself to having another friend. Who knows, God may be able to use you in their network, and that is Kingdom work for sure.

Prayers to heaven

For those of you who have continued to wonder how Rachel is handling Michell’s death, I have an amazing story to share. It happened tonight at bedtime, and it blew me away.

Rachel had just finished reading me her Bible story – I got her a new Bible just this week that she can read from – and I told her it was her turn to pray tonight. She started with her typical, which usually involves telling Jesus that she hopes He had a good day. In itself, that would be pretty cool to blog about, and could get very deep as we consider what we would have done to give Him a good day, but that was just the beginning.

She went on and said something like this…

“I hope you had a good day, too, mommy, you and Jesus. I hope you have a good time up there until one of us comes to see you. We miss you. We miss you very much.”

Up to this point, any time Rachel talked about missing her mommy, she broke down into tears, but not tonight. She finished with a sad expression on her face, but she went on to bed without any issue. It doesn’t mean that she’s finished with her grief, but it seems like a major step to me, and in more ways than one.

The obvious is that she is slowly moving through her grieving process. Even more important to me, however, is her grasp of the Gospel. She Knows (capital K) about Heaven. She Knows (again, capital K) that those who choose Jesus get to go there. And she Knows (you’ve got it now) that both she and daddy have made that choice, so we get to go someday.

She’s asked before about being baptized, and I’ve always wondered if she was really old enough to understand what she was asking about. She’s told me that she’s asked Jesus into her heart, but part of me wondered if it was truly real. I doubt no longer.

So come, celebrate with me. My Rachel has chosen Jesus, and we will spend eternity together! Then pray for us, that together we can show Zoe the Truth, so that she will also choose to join us on the journey.

Pictures of God's Faithfulness

Finished something that I’ve been working on for a while now – a photo album of 2008. If you live in the Cookeville area, I’ll probably inflict it on you in the near future. As most of you know, Michell was an avid scrapbooker, and while I wanted to continue to take and share pictures, what she did was well beyond me. But I stumbled across the memory books that you can create online, and those I could handle.

After finishing, I’ve gone back through to proofread and to show what I created to a select few. Today, I was thinking about what was in there, and perhaps more importantly, what wasn’t.
I titled the album “2008 – A New Beginning.” The first page has the last (good) family picture from 2007 that included Michell, along with a message about how we miss her. Then you turn that page over, and start into January, where you see pictures of Rachel, Zoe, and I spending time together. As you continue, you see pictures from every month of the year, and every special event you can think of.

So what’s not there? Well, there are no pictures of the days in January I spent laying on the floor, crying uncontrollably. There are no pictures of the nights I lost my temper and threw cups down the hall. Nothing to show how dead to the world I was some days, and nothing to indicate how lonely some days were (and still are sometimes).

What is there is undeniable evidence of God’s faithfulness. How? There are pictures of children laughing, birthday parties, and outdoor fun. There are friends and family who came to visit us here in Cookeville, and those we visited elsewhere. There are messy faces, giggling girls, and a blow-up pool at the bottom of the slide. And, wonder of wonders, a few pictures of Tammy, a wonderful woman I was blessed to have as my girlfriend for a season. (Yes, for those who don’t know, we are still friends, but not dating anymore)

What I see, as I look back, is God carrying me through the darkest chapter in my life. And apparently, I did more than just survive – the pictures show a life full of joy, and they provide evidence of God’s blessings that cannot be denied. I still deal with grief – not so much in overwhelming pain, but in snatches of sadness and moments of emptiness – I expect to deal with that in some ways for the rest of my life. But, as God promised, old things have passed away, and all things have been made new.

The past few months have been frustrating and strange – two surgeries have forced me away from my girls, especially Zoe, for long stretches that I do not like. But, with God’s help, I can do this. With God’s help, I look forward to continuing to heal an move on.

Deep Thoughts... on Loneliness

First of all, for those who haven't heard, my surgery went well. My recovery, however, has been slower than expected. I am still only up for workdays of 5-6 hours, and can't do much after that because of tiredness. I keep praying that things will get better, and trust God to complete my healing quickly.

During this time, I've been thinking lots about loneliness. If loneliness is not knowing anyone, then there is no way I could be lonely. I know tons of people - see some daily, some weekly, and some less often - but not a day goes by that I don't see or talk to people I know.

But what if that's not what loneliness is? What if loneliness isn't about how many people you know, but rather is about wether you know people well. As I look at myself, and the people I know, most of my relationships are very shallow. The worst part - it's my fault.

You see, I've had these impedences to forming deep relationships: first, I was grieving Michell's death, there was discomfort with friends who didn't know what to say, or there was discomfort because my friends were couples and I wasn't anymore, then I was adjusting to being a single parent, and I have to be at home to put my kids to bed, and I don't want to leave my kids with a sitter too often, and... and... and...

But now, I wonder if my impedences are starting to become exscuses. Yes, it's true, I am a single parent. I need to spend time with my kids, and I need to get them in bed at a reasonable time. No issue - but what am I doing to build relationships? Am I using the time that I do have? As I evaluate myself, I find that I am not.

So, how do I change? Well, I've started with this honest evaluation of myself, and coupled what I found with prayer. In an email devotion I read today, it talked about connecting your desires with your prayers - that we need to intentionally pray for the things we desire - so I am now praying specifically that I will look for and schedule events that allow me to build deeper friendships.

Is it going to be easy? No, probably not. Even as I shed the exscuses, I still have the impedences - many are real and must be addressed. The times I have available are limited, and you can't form lasting relationship with a long history overnight. Also, I'm not a college student anymore - I am not in a culture of people searching for new friendships, rather I am in a culture where most people have a good set of friends and don't feel the need to search for more.

What I do know is that it will be worth it. Why? Because God made us for fellowship - both with Him and with each other. As I get to know others better, I will get new glimplses of my Creator, and nothing could be more desirable than that.

Coming Up Next: Steven's Colostomy Takedown

Yep, that's right. I'm about ready to get rid of the bag! For those who haven't been following along, last November I had emergency surgery for a ruptured colon, resulting in a temporary colostomy. If you don't know that word (PG content ahead), it means they disconnected my large intestine from my colon and poked the end of my intestines out my belly. I have a bag essentially taped to my belly that my poop pours into, and that I have to empty regularly to prevent blowouts.

So, my colon is healed now, and I am going back for a surgery to reconnect my intestine to my colon. After my recovery (4-7 days in the hospital, ~2 weeks at home, no lifing for 4-6 weeks) I should be good as new, and able to do anything I could do before.

I just got a call from the hospital, and I have to report tomorrow at 6:30 AM, which is earlier than I hoped. (I don't get up until 7am most days, so this is early for me). I'm watching my kids eat dinner at my parent's tonight (I say watching because I'm restricted to clear liquids today) and then leaving around their bedtimes to go for prayer at a friend's house.

So, there will probably be another long post lag, but I trust God that it will all be good news on the other side!

Rachel's 1st Grade Performance

Just got back from Rachel's 1st grade performance - it was fun! Her class did read/sang/acted out Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day, one of my favorite books from when I was a kid.

"...mom says some days are like that, even in Australia"

Rachel got to hold a sign - the "Horrible" sign. Every time the class said "It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day," Rachel would hold up her sign on cue. She did great, and I am proud of her!