Moving Forward

Once again, I have let quite a long time pass between posts. Fortunately, this time it’s because things have been generally going well.

Zoe is sleeping better – for the past several nights she has only gotten up once per night, Rachel has settled back into school – yes, Putnam County schools are starting Week 4 on Monday, and I … well, I’m really far behind.

You see, all summer long I have focused my work attention on my research project for TDOT. It’s gone fairly well, but because it didn’t get the attention it deserved back in January-April, it was way behind. Well, now it’s about caught back up to where it needs to be, but now the summer is almost over for me (classes start the 25th) and I haven’t done squat to get ready for class yet.

Not that this is unusual – it seems like it happens every summer. I have great plans, and very little gets accomplished until the week before class starts. So, hopefully I’ll get bunches of work done in the next 7 days.

On the home front, things are also behind where I wanted to be. I had planned to take a day each week and work on the house. For the most part, the house still reflects Michell much more than it does me – she was the collector and the decorator. Don’t get me wrong, I was not upset (in fact enjoyed) the way that she displayed her collections around the house, but for the past few months I have been wanting to make the houise a little more reflective of our new family life – which means more reflective of me.

I do have some plans (lots of plans, very little time or energy to carry them out). My first goal is to do a makeover in the downstairs family room. Dad is going to help me build some bookcases that will match the built-in desk, and I’ve bought a new TV stand and plan to make some matching shelves.

The difficult thing is deciding what to do with the things that were “ours”. The things that were mine, for example my turtle collection, are simple. The things that were hers, for example her porcelain dolls, are reasonably simple – I will keep a few to pass on to Rachel and Zoe, and ask Michell’s family about the rest. But the stuff that was ours – like our collection of playing cards from our trips – these are the hardest to decide what to do with. Do I keep them? Do I display them? How? Where? Are they a permanent fixture? Or can they be taken down if, at some future time, I begin to date or even remary?

In the end, I think I’m going to have a lot of boxes full of stuff in the garage. I feel bad for Rachel and Zoe for when they eventually have to go through them all and decide what to do with the stuff I didn’t know what to do with.

Bad Dad - again.

There are times I am convinced I am a horrible parent. It’s going on half-past midnight, and this is one of those times.

It’s been a stressful weekend – Zoe has been very fussy, and I don’t really know why. Both yesterday morning and this morning, it was a constant struggle to get her to stop fussing – she would scream and fuss over nothing, then after 20 minutes would want to do what you were offering her in the first place.

I’ve also not slept well the past two nights, so I know I am tired on top of all the stress I am feeling from the weekend, but still I should be able to handle my children and not lose my temper, shouldn’t I?

Zoe still isn’t sleeping well. About 10:40, she woke up, took some milk, and went back to bed… for about 10 minutes. From then until 11:40, it was up and down every few minutes, and my stress level went through the roof. I had gone to bed early because I knew I was tired, but it didn’t help because Zoe would not let me sleep.

At 11:45 she kept asking for more milk, which I didn’t really want to give since she just had some an hour before, but I finally was so overcome with frustration that I got her some. After giving her some time to drink it, and her telling me she was finished, I put her back in bed and started to leave. I hadn’t taken two steps toward the door when she started to scream at the top of her lungs about the milk.

I lost my temper. I threw the cup. Not at her – but at her crib. I know I would never throw anything at her, but I threw the cup at the crib to vent my anger.

Problem is, the cup was only plastic, and it broke. It threw milk all over her and her crib, and it terrified her.

How could I let my temper get away from me like that? What kind of parent could do something that would terrify their own child – and only a toddler at that?

I loved on her for a while, until her tears subsided, then cleaned up the mess. I loved on her some more, until my tears subsided, and asked her to forgive me. I know she doesn’t understand, but she nodded her head yes, and it does make me feel better.

After a while, I put her in bed, went into my room and cried some more. I asked God to forgive me, and I know He has.

I know I do a lot of things well as a parent – at least I think I do. But at times like this, I really miss Michell. Not just for the help she gave, but for forgiveness that Zoe doesn’t know how to give.

I have to quit now, Zoe just started crying again, so I need to go try and be the parent God wants me to be.

I pray that He helps me.

Awesome trip, with moments...

Should have posted this last week, but I’m behind. What else is new?

Went on an awesome trip with some friends – thanks again to MC and JA, it was a blast. It all started back several months ago when I was talking with my sister. Out of the blue, she mentioned that whenever I was ready to go on a trip for myself, she would keep the girls for me. Up to that point, I had not thought about going on a trip for myself, which is strange because I was always pushing for Michell and I to go on trips just the two of us.

At first, I didn’t think I was ready, and didn’t know what I wanted to do. But after a while, I started to think about going to a theme park (in fact, it came to me in a dream). I knew that I didn’t want to go by myself, so I started talking with some of “the gang” from high school and college, and in short order had a trip planned and ready.

We went to Six Flags Over Georgia, and wow – what a trip! We rode all the coasters, plus the sky buckets, the swings, and the log flume. There are some fun pictures at the bottom for your enjoyment.

Most of the trip was uneventful – but I did have two of “those moments.” The first was not unexpected – on the lift hill of Goliath (200’ lift, 70mph), I found myself looking up at the sky and talking with Michell. It didn’t really bother me, in fact it was a bit of a relief, and gave me a chance to continue to make peace with the fact that I am moving on.

The second was very unexpected, and came completely from habit. After our first trip on Superman (face-down coaster), I got off the train and reached back to take Michell’s hand and help her off the train and walk back around with her to ride again. It’s exactly what I used to do – hold her hand – all the time. It wasn’t overwhelming, but it was a noticeable moment.

So, even though I am moving on, there are still some habits that are just so ingrained in me that they haven’t fallen away. And the next few months promise more times which will reveal my loss again:

August – Michell’s birthday
September: Our anniversary
October: Zoe’s Birthday
November: Thanksgiving
December: Christmas, the anniversary of Michell’s death

I don’t know what these next months will bring, but then again we never do. All I know is that God still loves and cares for me, and I want to continue to follow Him.

Oh, and roller coasters are cool.

Long time, no post...

Well, this is the second time that I took about a month between posts. This time, however, it’s been because work has been extremely busy. I’m at a crunch point in my research project, and I want to get it squared away so that I still have time to get ready for classes before the semester starts.

Can you believe that Rachel goes back to school in about 2 weeks? Schools here have the first day on July 24th! Then about a month later, classes start for me at TTU. Seems like the summer just got into full swing, but that’s the schedule they run…

In regards to my last post, my wedding ring is still on my keychain. I still feel strange without it at times – probably about twice a day I find myself noticing how strange that finger still feels – but there have even been a couple of days when I drove the van instead of the car and the ring stayed here in the house instead of going with me.

I’ve also done some cleaning in my bedroom (thanks again, mom) that has freed up some space to start putting together some things I want to keep that were Michell’s (or ours together with special memories). It is strange to me that the house has changed so little, but I really haven’t had the time to make changes. I do know that the décor in the house will change – it reflects her so much and me less so – but for now I almost don’t notice that her collections are still everywhere.

I also started a project that has been waiting a while – making copies of the DVD from Michell’s celebration service to send to those who asked for a copy. Just haven’t been able to make myself sit down and do it before now, but now it seems ok. So, if you want a copy of the video from the service, just let me know and I’ll get you one.

Well, I know this isn’t much of a post, but I just wanted to get something up so that I can move on to the next post without feeling like I have to summarize so much. Happy July, everybody.

With this ring...

It’s been a long and tiring day. Rachel and I went to Splash Country with my sister, nephew, and niece today, so I am very tired as I write this. But something very unexpected happened today, and I wanted to write about it before I went to bed.

We started the day at the wave pool. After getting fresh sunscreen on everyone, we wanted to spend a few minutes there getting wet before we headed off to one of the rides. I hadn’t been in the water long when I threw my hand up in the air, and saw my wedding ring go flying through the air.

Now before anyone panics – I got it back no problem. I saw it fly off my finger, go though the air in an arc, and land in the pool about 15’ away. I walked right over, saw it on the bottom, and picked it up. No panic, no searching, no worry. But it did create an unexpected situation…

You see, I haven’t been able to take my ring off and feel comfortable about it yet. I have taken it off for a few minutes at a time, but it never made it out of my hands, and always went back on my finger. But when it came off today, I knew I had to leave it off at the park or risk losing it somewhere, so I just naturally went and put it in the locker. Then immediately asked myself if I would put it back on or not.

During the day, it didn’t really bother me for it to be off. But on the drive home, I found myself “noticing” that it was off – fingering the place where it would be on my hand. I couldn’t put it back on during the drive (to keep it losing it in the locker or dropping it without noticing, I put it on my key ring like a key), and started wondering if I would put it back on when I got home.

I’ve been home about 3 hours now, and it’s still on my key ring. With the possible exception of the times I had surgery, this is the longest it has been off since the wedding. I still don’t know what the long-term choice will be. Still feels strange for it not to be on my finger sometimes. I do know that I don’t want to have it re-sized, because that would probably ruin the inscription on the inside of the band (Two Became One – 9-27-97). Maybe it will bother me when I go to bed, maybe I’m so tired I wont’ be awake long enough for it to bother me.

Oh, and the day at the water park with Rachel was great. We rode raft rides, lazy river, tube rides, and she played in the kids area. We’re both tired, and she’s been in bed since about 7:15. That’s the direction I’m going now.

To the Aquarium we went...

Had some fun this week – Rachel and I went to the Georgia Aquarium (see picture below). We made an overnight trip of it, and spent the night with a good friend of mine (thanks again for the hospitality S&B H). Zoe stayed here in Cookeville (thanks for the overnight stay to R&S S).

It was a good trip for us to take. Michell and I loved going to aquariums – I’ve been to at least 5 different ones now, plus several repeat trips – and Rachel likes them too. So, it allowed me to continue establishing the “new normal” of our family life.

Forgot my camera and video camera, so I have almost no tangible evidence of the trip itself, but that’s ok. I almost wonder if just the getting out and doing it was more important than archiving the experience. We have at least one more trip planned this summer (Splash Country, next week) and I have put a hold on a fall trip to Disney.

I’m trying to prepare myself for the Disney trip – Michell and I went twice as a couple, and then we took Rachel when she was 4, so there are lots of memories to deal with. Not to mention that I get sick on the Teacups, and Rachel loved riding them (with Michell, not me).

So far, the summer has gone pretty well – I need to get more stuff done both at work and at the house, but that’s a normal feeling even from before Michell passed away.

Well, this post has been all over the map. Thanks again for all the notes and encouragement that everyone continues to send my way.

Celebrating with sadness

Just got some great news, and it made me really sad.

What’s the great news? I got invited to be a member of a national-level research committee – it’s a great step in my career. In fact, it’s been on my list of goals since I started my job here at Tennessee Tech. For those outside of academia, it’s probably hard to understand, but it’s a really big deal. It means that I have been recognized as an expert in my field, and have gained the respect of my peers nationally.

Why did this make me so sad? Because Michell isn’t here to celebrate with me. I can’t call her and tell her the news. I can’t hear her tell me how proud she is of me. We won’t go out to dinner and celebrate. She won’t drive over to my office on her lunch hour to tell me again how proud she is. We won’t open one of the bottles of sparkling grape juice that still sit in the bottom of the refrigerator waiting for special occasions.

You see, she was always so supportive of me, so proud of my success. Whenever I achieved a goal, or even took a baby step toward one, she did the things I wrote about. She would tell me on the phone how proud she was, she would come by to see me, she would schedule a dinner together… she would celebrate with me.

What am I doing instead? Going home at lunch, eating by myself, loading the dishwasher, and getting the grocery list together so I can go to WalMart this afternoon.

You know, I am so thankful to God for His blessings on my career. Even through these past few months, His hand is evident. I have received awards, been given extensions, had my contract renewed, and now achieved a goal I thought was 3+ years away, if it could ever bee achieved. So please don’t think I am ungrateful – I just wish Michell was still here to share all these blessings with. I miss her so much.