A Divine Appointment - The Night that Almost Wasn't

OK, really long title for this post, but that's because I couldn't decide which of the two names to use for the post. It all started on a dark and stormy night... no, wait, that's wrong.

It starts about 3 weeks ago. You see, I've been really frustrated lately because I haven't been able to arrange a babysitter so that I could go out and do... anything. I had gotten into a good rhythm of having a sitter over 1-2 times a week so that I could have some evenings to myself - go to Little Flock Bible Study, go to the singles' group at church, go to dinner with a friend... whatever. But do it without 2 kids in tow. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids very much (if you read this regularly you know that), but it's good for me to get out sometimes.

So, back to the actual point, it's been a while since I've been able get a sitter here. But I finally had a sitter arranged for tonight. So I called to see what the singles' group was doing tonight - they had already left for a baseball game in Nashville, and even if I wanted to follow behind I couldn't because I would get back too late. Tried to call several people here in town to see if I could go to dinner with a friend... nothing. Needless to say, I was frustrated.

Decided I should just go on to dinner by myself, then maybe catch Star Trek at the theatre (seen it already, but it was good so I thought I might go again). Went to dinner at Steak & Shake, got up to pay and realized that I left my wallet at home. As you might guess, this is not turning out to be the fun evening I had planned. So, I ran home, got my wallet, went back and paid for my dinner (yes, I talked to them before I left and explained what happened). Now it's 20 minutes past the start time for Star Trek, and I'm trying to figure out what to do.

Here's where the night almost wasn't. Part of me, in fact a pretty big part of me, wanted to just hang it up and go on home. Or at the very least, kill time until just after Rachel's bedtime and go home. But I went on to the theater anyway. Looked at the show times, and found that Up was showing in about 10 minutes.

For the record, the previews for Up never really caught my interest. I just didn't know what it was really about, nor did the commercials I have seen really make me want to see it. But, it was the only acceptable choice showing in the next 90 minutes, so I decided to give it a try. Dare I say, Divine Appointment.

Before I go on, a few words about the movie. To me, this was not a typical Pixar film - more specifically, it was not a kids' movie. Toy Story, Monsters, etc. have been reasonably kid-oriented in storyline, but this was much less so. If you haven't seen it, I don't want to give anything away, but I will say that it spoke to me more directly than it will likely speak to most of you. Vague enough? Well, go see the movie (it's really good) and you'll understand.

Warning... there's not a "spoiler" in the next paragraph, but there is a reasonably vague reference to something that happens in the movie. And the paragraph after that has some even more vague semi-references to stuff in the storyline, sorta. I won't be upset if you stop reading and come back after you see the movie. Did I mention it's really good? But not a kid's movie? You should see it.

Back to the Divine Appointment part. If you've seen the movie, then you've probably already guessed where I'm going... the note at the end of the scrapbook (vague enough?). It's a message I've already gotten, already processed, and am already living. But it was very significant to me to see it presented in this way. For those who knew Michell, you know she loved to scrapbook, and so that was an unexpected connection for me. I was very glad I went.

Those who know me well may also wonder how I handled it emotionally. I would say very well. No overwhelming sorrow and no tears, just an understanding that one chapter of my journey is complete and that another has begun. I loved the life I lived with Michell. I love my life now as I live with my girls. I look forward to loving my life as it enters new chapters in the future.

So, the night that almost wasn't - and certainly wasn't what I wanted it to be earlier today - it ended up being just what God intended... a Divine Appointment. So, if you ever forget your wallet and have to go back to pay for the dinner you've already eaten... watch out!

Why does it have to be so easy?

As I was finishing, I decided to come back to the top and write this quick intro. This is not a normal post for me, but that's OK. You've been warned...

Life has been good lately, and I am incredibly blessed. Why, then, do I still have problems with sin? I know we all have issues with sin ("for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" - Romans 3:23), but what frustrates me is the fact that I have the same problem over and over again.

Truth is, it's way too easy to fall into a pattern of sin-repent-sin-repent. How easy? So easy that the Bible speaks to it specifically. You'll probably recognize the passage...

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1, emphasis mine

Now, I'm not a Biblical scholar, nor have I checked multiple commentaries or even gone back to the original Greek to research the nuances of the original text. What I do know is that in American English, when you talk about "the" something, you mean one specific thing. When parents tell their kids to turn off "the" television, they don't mean any random TV somewhere in the city, they mean that specific TV their kids are watching.

Similarly, I find that in my life there is one particular sin which "so easily entangles" me. Yours may be (and probably is) different than mine, but I would guess that all of us have one of our own. Not something to be proud of, but don't feel that you're a miserable wretch just because you have this problem.

I wonder if this is what Paul was referring to in 2 Corinthians when he talks about the "a thorn in my flesh." (2 Corinthians 12:7) According to that chapter, when he asked God to take it away, the response was, "My grace is sufficient for you." (2 Corinthians 12:9) (which probably would have ticked me off if I were Paul) Again, I'm not a Biblical scholar, just a believer who wonders.

So what do we do? Give in because we know that it will "so easily entangle us?" No, we are clearly called to "put aside" our sin, and the "run with endurance." Just because I know I'm not perfect doesn't mean that I want to stay as bad as I am now... I want to get better - get entangled less frequently, or to a lesser extent. And so "I press on toward the goal" (Philippians 3:14) of perfection, but allow myself some grace when I miss the mark.

How about you?

On the outside looking in... by choice!

I knew I wanted to post about this on Monday night, but I've spent most of the week trying to figure out how to write it without making it sound like I'm looking for pity or having a "woe is me" moment. I'm not. I'm perfectly ok with what I'm about to describe. Why? RAFO! (read and find out!)

Went to a cookout on Monday night with my Bible study group, and took the girls with me. Got there pretty much on time, though I was one of the last to arrive, and began to feel like I was on the outside looking in.

Have you ever felt that way - you're at a meeting or function or event, and you just don't fit in with the group? They can be good people, people you know and like, but still something seems to separate you from them... and keeps you from feeling like you are part of the group. I find this happening to me fairly often these days, so you're not the only one.

After prayer, most of the group got food and went to the large room to sit, talk, and eat. We got our food, and had to stay in the kitchen. Why? Because the other room was too loud and full of strangers for Zoe. She was clinging to me from the moment we arrived, because she had never been to this place and didn't know most of the people there. So there I was, separated from the group... and I'm not just talking about the physical separation of being in different rooms, but I was the only one there with young children, so I was socially separated as well.

I did get to talk some... the hostess was gracious and stayed with me to talk while I ate, and then another late arriver sat and ate with us as well. Zoe eventually warmed up a little (now that the room was mostly empty and quiet) and went to pet the dog (getting about 10 feet away from me at times).

I knew ahead of time that I could only stay for about an hour because of the girls' bedtimes, and by the time I finished eating and had a short conversation, it was time to go. I passed through the big room where everyone was enjoying themselves on the way out, and Zoe again clung to me as we went. Had a short conversation on the way to the door, and then was in the car to head home.

I said at the beginning that I'm perfectly fine with all this, but at that moment, right when I was leaving, I'll admit that I really wasn't ok with it. At that moment I was frustrated that I couldn't be part of the big group, I was frustrated that my friends hadn't made an effort to come and talk to me, and I was frustrated that I had to leave so early. But all those frustrations were wrong.

On the way home, God touched me and prompted me to ask myself why I was frustrated. I knew what to expect before I even got there - I knew I had to leave early, I knew that I would have to be "apart" because I would be taking care of my girls, and I knew that everyone else would be focused on socializing and would be unlikely to seek me out as I did so. So why was I frustrated? Because I momentarily forgot my own priorities and let selfishness (i.e. sin) creep in.

I could have gotten a sitter, then that time could have been about me. But I chose - did you hear that? "I chose" - to take my girls with me. And as soon as I made that choice, it meant that my resposibility was to them before me. As I got this dose of Godly perspective, I realized that the evening had been great. I got to go to the party, got to show off my girls a little (love that!), and even if I let selfishness in for a few minutes, God helped me kick it to the curb before I got back home.

So, upon further reflection, I had a great night. It capped off a great holiday weekend (Cane Creek, Fall Creek Falls, Ragland Bottom, the Hajdiks, and the cookout... wshew!) full of quality time for me and my girls. And when I feel like I'm on the outside looking in again, I'll just pull out my priority list and remind myself that I've chosen this life, chosen to be true to God's call on me as a parent, and I'll be perfectly ok with it. Because the blessings of being a daddy are way too good to miss!

Not "Bad Dad", Just "Tired Dad", and He's Not Such a Bad Dad

I've spent the last two days as "Tired Dad." If you've read my posts for a while, you know that I am very open about the fact that I sometimes become "Bad Dad" and treat my kids in ways that I am ashamed of. I know it happens to all of us (partly because several of you have told me that it happens to you), but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Being "Tired Dad" isn't as bad as being "Bad Dad" - I could stick in a joke about "Tired Dad" being "Bad Dad Light"... with 1/3rd less guilt than regular bad dad, but I won't. However, being "Tired Dad" is still an issue that I want to work on. Maybe you've been "Tired Dad" and can let me know the things that help you...

"Tired Dad" has some issues. For one, he tends to be a bit unpredictable - especially on discipline. Behaviors from my kids that would normally get ignored become problems, and minor problems can quickly result in spankings. Fortunately, I have learned to recognize when "Tired Dad" is in the house, and I when I tell Rachel that I'm tired, she knows to respond that it means I'm grumpy. Zoe isn't old enough to process this yet, but at least Rachel gets some warning.

Less noticed by others, but very obvious to me, is the fact that "Tired Dad" looks at time from the end to the beginning. (you ask "He does what?!?") I'm glad you asked that. "Tired Dad" tends to always think of how long it is before he gets a break - i.e. "bedtime is in 3 hours... how can I get us through the next 3 hours?" While this is probably a normal mechanism, it often means that I settle for less - I don't give my kids the attention they want, I'm more likely to let them watch TV, and I even find myself asking them to go play in their rooms while I am somewhere else in the house.

As noted, this is much better behavior than "Bad Dad", but I still find myself thinking later that I missed opportunities to be with my kids, instead of just around them. I also don't want this to become a norm in my life - I want to try and work through it and get better.

One good thing about "Tired Dad" is that he has learned a counter-intuitive lesson. One of the best things that "Tired Dad" can do is organize an activity. One of my favorites is the "invite another family to come play" maneuver. For the cost of three pizzas, I can invite others to come to the house. While for some this injection of others would be tiring, I am a very social person and find it energizing to have company at the house. Not to mention that having more kids around tends to reduce my kid's need for my devoted attention, so I get a partial break without feeling like I've deprived them.

My other favorite is the "go do something at a big place" maneuver. The Cookeville Children's Museum is a great destination, and has tons of things for them to do. But even when it's closed (which is often), something as simple as WalMart or Sams can really change up the pace.

Again, counter-intuitive (I have to watch my kids in the store? and that's supposed to take less energy than at home? are you CRAZY?!?), but it really does help. There's travel to-and-fro, with singing (we always sing in the car). There's time in the store - each one gets to "help" with different things, and they're used to strict behavior rules at the store, so there are fewer discipline issues. Maybe it won't work for you, but it works for me.

Well, "Tired Dad" is wrapping up so he can be in bed on time (11pm) and get some sleep. But even though "Tired Dad" was with me all weekend, he did a pretty good job of pushing through and loving his kids really well. All in all, I'm proud of "Tired Dad" instead of ashamed. And that's a good thing.

Three strands...

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 (New International Version)

Life has taken on a new joy recently. You would think the opposite, after recent events. For those who've not been following along, the past 18 months have not been the kind of journey that you would expect to come out of with great joy. My wife passed away (Dec 2007), I had emergency surgery for a ruptured colon (Nov 2008), I had a follow-up surgery (Mar 2009), and then a surprise additional surgery to remove my gall bladder (Apr 2009).

What then, is the difference? How have I been able to not only survive grief, pain, and life on the "DL" (disabled list)? No doubt in my mind, the answer is God. He has carried me, sheltered me, comforted me, and lifted me up. The glory goes to Him and Him alone, because without Him, I would probably be a tangled wreck.

So what's happened here recently to allow my joy to become more complete? Two words: three strands. Ok, maybe I need more than two words to help you understand. So let's try a paragraph or two...

The verse at the top of the post is frequently used to talk about the strength that comes in a Godly marriage - the three strands are God, husband, and wife. When fully united, this trio becomes an unshakable, unstoppable force. But I'm not married anymore... so at best I'm back to two strands, right?

In a word, no. God's plan is always big enough - bigger than the Devil's attempts to mess it up. It's true, I don't have a wife - no constant companion with whom to unite in Christ and form the three-strand cord, but I do have friends. Check back through my posts, and you'll find one on loneliness. I went through a brief period of feeling totally disconnected from others, and had to realize what was happening and take charge of what I was (or, in this case, wasn't) doing.

I am now working hard to build relationships with friends, and in the process I am finding that my good friends can step in and be another strand in the cord of my life - not one of them for all things, but a "network of shared responsibility" that God is building around me. I just have to remember that I am the initiator of contact for the network - I have to keep building the relationships that form it. So I am.

If you're not a single parent, then you probably don't understand how difficult this road is to travel. I know that I was clueless before - I thought I could imagine it, but I was so wrong. That road is made more difficult by the very commitment to be a good parent - those responsibilities make it harder to find the time to develop the "network" I mentioned above. It's taken me almost 18 months just to realize some of the things I need, and to diligently pursue them.

I've shifted the focus here a bit, and maybe muddied the water, so let me summarize what I hope you're getting out of this. For one, God is awesome. He has and will continue to take great care of me, and I thank Him for all He has done. He has made me glad!

For another, if you're in my network - be it in what you think of as a "small" or "large" role, I pray that He blesses you 100-fold for the blessing you are to me. I might be able to survive without my network, but having it is allowing me to thrive, not just survive. I look forward to continuing to build our friendships.

And finally, on a bit of a tangent, if you know a single parent (and I think almost everyone does), prayerfully consider making time in your schedule to get to know them better. All you have to do is give an invitation and open yourself to having another friend. Who knows, God may be able to use you in their network, and that is Kingdom work for sure.

Prayers to heaven

For those of you who have continued to wonder how Rachel is handling Michell’s death, I have an amazing story to share. It happened tonight at bedtime, and it blew me away.

Rachel had just finished reading me her Bible story – I got her a new Bible just this week that she can read from – and I told her it was her turn to pray tonight. She started with her typical, which usually involves telling Jesus that she hopes He had a good day. In itself, that would be pretty cool to blog about, and could get very deep as we consider what we would have done to give Him a good day, but that was just the beginning.

She went on and said something like this…

“I hope you had a good day, too, mommy, you and Jesus. I hope you have a good time up there until one of us comes to see you. We miss you. We miss you very much.”

Up to this point, any time Rachel talked about missing her mommy, she broke down into tears, but not tonight. She finished with a sad expression on her face, but she went on to bed without any issue. It doesn’t mean that she’s finished with her grief, but it seems like a major step to me, and in more ways than one.

The obvious is that she is slowly moving through her grieving process. Even more important to me, however, is her grasp of the Gospel. She Knows (capital K) about Heaven. She Knows (again, capital K) that those who choose Jesus get to go there. And she Knows (you’ve got it now) that both she and daddy have made that choice, so we get to go someday.

She’s asked before about being baptized, and I’ve always wondered if she was really old enough to understand what she was asking about. She’s told me that she’s asked Jesus into her heart, but part of me wondered if it was truly real. I doubt no longer.

So come, celebrate with me. My Rachel has chosen Jesus, and we will spend eternity together! Then pray for us, that together we can show Zoe the Truth, so that she will also choose to join us on the journey.

Pictures of God's Faithfulness

Finished something that I’ve been working on for a while now – a photo album of 2008. If you live in the Cookeville area, I’ll probably inflict it on you in the near future. As most of you know, Michell was an avid scrapbooker, and while I wanted to continue to take and share pictures, what she did was well beyond me. But I stumbled across the memory books that you can create online, and those I could handle.

After finishing, I’ve gone back through to proofread and to show what I created to a select few. Today, I was thinking about what was in there, and perhaps more importantly, what wasn’t.
I titled the album “2008 – A New Beginning.” The first page has the last (good) family picture from 2007 that included Michell, along with a message about how we miss her. Then you turn that page over, and start into January, where you see pictures of Rachel, Zoe, and I spending time together. As you continue, you see pictures from every month of the year, and every special event you can think of.

So what’s not there? Well, there are no pictures of the days in January I spent laying on the floor, crying uncontrollably. There are no pictures of the nights I lost my temper and threw cups down the hall. Nothing to show how dead to the world I was some days, and nothing to indicate how lonely some days were (and still are sometimes).

What is there is undeniable evidence of God’s faithfulness. How? There are pictures of children laughing, birthday parties, and outdoor fun. There are friends and family who came to visit us here in Cookeville, and those we visited elsewhere. There are messy faces, giggling girls, and a blow-up pool at the bottom of the slide. And, wonder of wonders, a few pictures of Tammy, a wonderful woman I was blessed to have as my girlfriend for a season. (Yes, for those who don’t know, we are still friends, but not dating anymore)

What I see, as I look back, is God carrying me through the darkest chapter in my life. And apparently, I did more than just survive – the pictures show a life full of joy, and they provide evidence of God’s blessings that cannot be denied. I still deal with grief – not so much in overwhelming pain, but in snatches of sadness and moments of emptiness – I expect to deal with that in some ways for the rest of my life. But, as God promised, old things have passed away, and all things have been made new.

The past few months have been frustrating and strange – two surgeries have forced me away from my girls, especially Zoe, for long stretches that I do not like. But, with God’s help, I can do this. With God’s help, I look forward to continuing to heal an move on.