Awesome trip, with moments...

Should have posted this last week, but I’m behind. What else is new?

Went on an awesome trip with some friends – thanks again to MC and JA, it was a blast. It all started back several months ago when I was talking with my sister. Out of the blue, she mentioned that whenever I was ready to go on a trip for myself, she would keep the girls for me. Up to that point, I had not thought about going on a trip for myself, which is strange because I was always pushing for Michell and I to go on trips just the two of us.

At first, I didn’t think I was ready, and didn’t know what I wanted to do. But after a while, I started to think about going to a theme park (in fact, it came to me in a dream). I knew that I didn’t want to go by myself, so I started talking with some of “the gang” from high school and college, and in short order had a trip planned and ready.

We went to Six Flags Over Georgia, and wow – what a trip! We rode all the coasters, plus the sky buckets, the swings, and the log flume. There are some fun pictures at the bottom for your enjoyment.

Most of the trip was uneventful – but I did have two of “those moments.” The first was not unexpected – on the lift hill of Goliath (200’ lift, 70mph), I found myself looking up at the sky and talking with Michell. It didn’t really bother me, in fact it was a bit of a relief, and gave me a chance to continue to make peace with the fact that I am moving on.

The second was very unexpected, and came completely from habit. After our first trip on Superman (face-down coaster), I got off the train and reached back to take Michell’s hand and help her off the train and walk back around with her to ride again. It’s exactly what I used to do – hold her hand – all the time. It wasn’t overwhelming, but it was a noticeable moment.

So, even though I am moving on, there are still some habits that are just so ingrained in me that they haven’t fallen away. And the next few months promise more times which will reveal my loss again:

August – Michell’s birthday
September: Our anniversary
October: Zoe’s Birthday
November: Thanksgiving
December: Christmas, the anniversary of Michell’s death

I don’t know what these next months will bring, but then again we never do. All I know is that God still loves and cares for me, and I want to continue to follow Him.

Oh, and roller coasters are cool.

Long time, no post...

Well, this is the second time that I took about a month between posts. This time, however, it’s been because work has been extremely busy. I’m at a crunch point in my research project, and I want to get it squared away so that I still have time to get ready for classes before the semester starts.

Can you believe that Rachel goes back to school in about 2 weeks? Schools here have the first day on July 24th! Then about a month later, classes start for me at TTU. Seems like the summer just got into full swing, but that’s the schedule they run…

In regards to my last post, my wedding ring is still on my keychain. I still feel strange without it at times – probably about twice a day I find myself noticing how strange that finger still feels – but there have even been a couple of days when I drove the van instead of the car and the ring stayed here in the house instead of going with me.

I’ve also done some cleaning in my bedroom (thanks again, mom) that has freed up some space to start putting together some things I want to keep that were Michell’s (or ours together with special memories). It is strange to me that the house has changed so little, but I really haven’t had the time to make changes. I do know that the décor in the house will change – it reflects her so much and me less so – but for now I almost don’t notice that her collections are still everywhere.

I also started a project that has been waiting a while – making copies of the DVD from Michell’s celebration service to send to those who asked for a copy. Just haven’t been able to make myself sit down and do it before now, but now it seems ok. So, if you want a copy of the video from the service, just let me know and I’ll get you one.

Well, I know this isn’t much of a post, but I just wanted to get something up so that I can move on to the next post without feeling like I have to summarize so much. Happy July, everybody.

With this ring...

It’s been a long and tiring day. Rachel and I went to Splash Country with my sister, nephew, and niece today, so I am very tired as I write this. But something very unexpected happened today, and I wanted to write about it before I went to bed.

We started the day at the wave pool. After getting fresh sunscreen on everyone, we wanted to spend a few minutes there getting wet before we headed off to one of the rides. I hadn’t been in the water long when I threw my hand up in the air, and saw my wedding ring go flying through the air.

Now before anyone panics – I got it back no problem. I saw it fly off my finger, go though the air in an arc, and land in the pool about 15’ away. I walked right over, saw it on the bottom, and picked it up. No panic, no searching, no worry. But it did create an unexpected situation…

You see, I haven’t been able to take my ring off and feel comfortable about it yet. I have taken it off for a few minutes at a time, but it never made it out of my hands, and always went back on my finger. But when it came off today, I knew I had to leave it off at the park or risk losing it somewhere, so I just naturally went and put it in the locker. Then immediately asked myself if I would put it back on or not.

During the day, it didn’t really bother me for it to be off. But on the drive home, I found myself “noticing” that it was off – fingering the place where it would be on my hand. I couldn’t put it back on during the drive (to keep it losing it in the locker or dropping it without noticing, I put it on my key ring like a key), and started wondering if I would put it back on when I got home.

I’ve been home about 3 hours now, and it’s still on my key ring. With the possible exception of the times I had surgery, this is the longest it has been off since the wedding. I still don’t know what the long-term choice will be. Still feels strange for it not to be on my finger sometimes. I do know that I don’t want to have it re-sized, because that would probably ruin the inscription on the inside of the band (Two Became One – 9-27-97). Maybe it will bother me when I go to bed, maybe I’m so tired I wont’ be awake long enough for it to bother me.

Oh, and the day at the water park with Rachel was great. We rode raft rides, lazy river, tube rides, and she played in the kids area. We’re both tired, and she’s been in bed since about 7:15. That’s the direction I’m going now.

To the Aquarium we went...

Had some fun this week – Rachel and I went to the Georgia Aquarium (see picture below). We made an overnight trip of it, and spent the night with a good friend of mine (thanks again for the hospitality S&B H). Zoe stayed here in Cookeville (thanks for the overnight stay to R&S S).

It was a good trip for us to take. Michell and I loved going to aquariums – I’ve been to at least 5 different ones now, plus several repeat trips – and Rachel likes them too. So, it allowed me to continue establishing the “new normal” of our family life.

Forgot my camera and video camera, so I have almost no tangible evidence of the trip itself, but that’s ok. I almost wonder if just the getting out and doing it was more important than archiving the experience. We have at least one more trip planned this summer (Splash Country, next week) and I have put a hold on a fall trip to Disney.

I’m trying to prepare myself for the Disney trip – Michell and I went twice as a couple, and then we took Rachel when she was 4, so there are lots of memories to deal with. Not to mention that I get sick on the Teacups, and Rachel loved riding them (with Michell, not me).

So far, the summer has gone pretty well – I need to get more stuff done both at work and at the house, but that’s a normal feeling even from before Michell passed away.

Well, this post has been all over the map. Thanks again for all the notes and encouragement that everyone continues to send my way.

Celebrating with sadness

Just got some great news, and it made me really sad.

What’s the great news? I got invited to be a member of a national-level research committee – it’s a great step in my career. In fact, it’s been on my list of goals since I started my job here at Tennessee Tech. For those outside of academia, it’s probably hard to understand, but it’s a really big deal. It means that I have been recognized as an expert in my field, and have gained the respect of my peers nationally.

Why did this make me so sad? Because Michell isn’t here to celebrate with me. I can’t call her and tell her the news. I can’t hear her tell me how proud she is of me. We won’t go out to dinner and celebrate. She won’t drive over to my office on her lunch hour to tell me again how proud she is. We won’t open one of the bottles of sparkling grape juice that still sit in the bottom of the refrigerator waiting for special occasions.

You see, she was always so supportive of me, so proud of my success. Whenever I achieved a goal, or even took a baby step toward one, she did the things I wrote about. She would tell me on the phone how proud she was, she would come by to see me, she would schedule a dinner together… she would celebrate with me.

What am I doing instead? Going home at lunch, eating by myself, loading the dishwasher, and getting the grocery list together so I can go to WalMart this afternoon.

You know, I am so thankful to God for His blessings on my career. Even through these past few months, His hand is evident. I have received awards, been given extensions, had my contract renewed, and now achieved a goal I thought was 3+ years away, if it could ever bee achieved. So please don’t think I am ungrateful – I just wish Michell was still here to share all these blessings with. I miss her so much.

Great weekend, tough start to the week...

I had a great visit with some friends from NC this past weekend. They drove all the way from the Raleigh area with their two kids just to come see us. Michell would have loved it – both showing off the house and staying up until 2am to talk.

I also loved it – their kids and mine got along great, we got to do several things that are hard to do by myself, and they cooked almost every meal (I don’t think I’ve eaten that well in quite some time…)

Monday and Tuesday were hard. Every time I finish something like this, something that is different than it would have been if Michell was still alive, it forces me to deal with another wave of grief. At my desk at work on Monday, I probably just sat for over an hour, dealing again with the fact that my wife is gone.

Monday evening, Rachel really started having grief of missing Michell. I think seeing our guests operate as a family, especially as a family with a mommy, made her remember all the things she used to do with Michell. I guess I should expect it – if these things stir up my grief, then why not hers as well? It just rips me up, because I can’t fix it.

Then Zoe started fussing at 11pm and didn’t go back to sleep until about 1am, and then I had trouble going to sleep. It’s a good thing Rachel woke up on time – she came and got me up at 7:10 – or we would have been late for school on Tuesday. We were running close as it was!

Tuesday was also not the best day. First, I on the way home from dropping the girls at school, my car died. Just quit running as it came into the neighborhood. Praise God that I was close to home and not with the girls when it happened. Fuel pump, by the way, and should be ready by Thursday.

Then, when I finally got to work after getting the car towed to the shop, I got a call from preschool that Zoe had thrown up. So… away from work to get her, then off to see the doctor, who said “It might be a little cold, or a little virus, or just reflux. She’s fine.” But even this was not all bad, Zoe and I had a fun afternoon at the house together – she clearly wasn’t acting sick, she was playing everywhere (including on top of me).

But now it’s Wednesday. I got better sleep last night (4+3, give or take), Rachel & Zoe were in pretty good moods this morning, and both got up on time and got to school on time. God is good!

Mother's Day

So, how do you prepare for Mother’s Day when your wife, and the mother of your children, passed away a few months ago? Apparently, it doesn’t matter what you do, it doesn’t dull the pain.

Today has been hard. This morning before church, I thought I was going to be OK, but even though we didn’t have a heavily themed service (in fact, service was awesome, despite my pain), it was still a very painful Sunday morning. Fortunately, after church I went to my parents’ house, and that has become such a familiar thing that I didn’t really think about it being Mother’s Day anymore.

I’ve given up trying to describe how bad the hurt is at any particular time, I never seem to be able to explain just how bad it hurts, but church today was the roughest Sunday in quite some time. It follows a rough week, when I tried doing a couple of things on my own that I used to do with Michell.
To celebrate the end of the semester, I went to Knoxville and met my sister to have lunch and do some shopping. Michell and I used to take a “date day” at the end of each semester, and that was our usual agenda. When I was with my sister, things went ok, but both on the drive up and drive home, things were bad. The drive home was especially bad.

I also went out to dinner by myself. Seems a small thing, but I have been avoiding it. Oh, I’ve eaten by myself, but I had not gone out to dinner here in Cookeville alone. I spent most of the meal reading a book, and left the restaurant feeling like the entire evening had been too quiet. That’s become a common feeling for me – that my evenings have been too quiet.

I’ve also begun to feel and express guilt over the fact that I am moving on. I find myself talking out loud to Michell, and telling her that I’m sorry that I have to move on, sorry that I have begin to think of myself as single, sorry that I feel the need to get involved in new communities (I’m thinking of going to my church’s singles group in the next month or so), sorry that the memories of our marriage, great as it was, are not enough to sustain me. I know she wouldn’t be (isn’t) upset, but that doesn’t let me turn off the pain.

I also have to fight the urge to find a girlfriend. I said in a prior post that I really don’t know who I am and what I want to do anymore, and I know I am not in any shape for a serious relationship right now. I still feel this incredible desire for companionship – we were created for community – and I have to continually keep my thoughts in check.

Given the pain I feel at the loss of my wife, I have trouble reconciling my desire to find someone else already being so strong, but maybe it is just a natural response to loss. After God, Michell was the focus of my life, and the Michell-shaped hole looms incredibly large. I trust God to help me with this issue, and pray daily (often more than once) that He will guide my thoughts and desires according to His plan.

Well, that’s more than I set out to write, so I think I will stop now.